Lately..

I've been spending a lot of money. I bought a new cell phone, shoes, two brand new movies and sunglasses. Well, could be worse, but that's still a bit unusual..

Been watching a lot of movies and all kind of crap from the TV that doesn't really move me that much. I just like that I can disappear to somewhere else for a while and just watch something that has nothing to do with me.
Also I've been reading a lot of books.

I haven't seen any of my friends or anyone lately. Only family. I don't even miss my friends really, because I think most of them are bunch of liars who don't really care a shit.

I feel like I got this sickness again. I call it spiritually paralyzed. So that's what I'm right now.. I feel like doing a lot of things and living my life for the fullest and long for some happy moments and company... but I really cannot do anything. I feel like if I try, it all goes wrong and that I will just fall on my face.

Maybe I'm facing the fear of losing again, because I know that I don't really wanna meet new people in case I would begin to like them so much that it would be hard and even more a pity to say goodbye at the end of summer.

Also my old friends, they might think I've left already and don't want to spend time with me because they feel I will be gone anyways. Well I think thats so wrong...
If someone would be leaving soon, I would just want to double my time with that person so that I would have wonderful memories when the person is gone.

Well, people are mostly very selfish and don't take things as seriously as I might take them. Sometimes I wish I could be that way.. I always have something to worry about, even though I shouldnt have.

Anyways, I'm not feeling so well but cannot change it so therefore I will just be and hope that my new life will start oneday.

So long,

Take care.

got no friends, got no lover

This is my bipolar life.
I'm glad it has a name..
Today was so much of that.

Today has been a hell of a day. Cannot bear it....
My mom woke me up at 9am and I got so angry that had difficult falling back to sleep but still didn't get up. At 10.pm I did. I hid my anger and turned it into chippy-cheerful-over...
I talked with her about my sister, brother, and me being kids. What a conversation.
She went to work and I started freaking out since I didnt have to pretend anymore.
I freaked out in a level that I thought it was better to skip tutoring from tonight.

I wanted to act like a human being when realizing my dad was coming from work so I went to buy some sweets since I felt so shit and planned to watch Romeo and Juliet at midnight as I last time did. My dad was home and I chat with him about my University choices etc. Glad to say, I remained calm for him.

Nowww
What can I say?

I feel like breaking that mirror on my table because it doesn't reflect anything I would like to see. Too bad as well that I just read about a faker's smile so I know 10000% how it looks now.
A faker's smile.. that is the one I have adopted. My own disappeared somewhere and wonder if it gets ever found.
I look like a corpse...

And I was so excited to see Mew in November.. but it's not gonna be cool 'cos I have to be there alone. My friend got a seat and I have a stand area ticket (as it is the best!) but noooo, it's not cool to be there alone and people run me over :<
It's very cool not to have friends.
Got no friends, got no lover.

PS. why the hell I always feel even worthless as human being when I write here?
I should just kick myself.. like I would be someone who has a right to whine.. but whatever, I'm a difficult bitch who is never happy so try to deal with that !