longing.

This week's key word is LONGING.

Longing to be with you..

Since couple days, I have been reading a good book. I will finish it today, since it's quite good.

A second ago, I found a page that had very much to say about the feeling I have right now...:

''I have learned what it means when you miss someone. I have learned to know the feeling of emptiness and the longing, and I can sense both of them around me strongly around me.

I have discovered how long and silent the nights actually are.

He was in my life only a short period of time. Our friendship was only a little breath in a history of humankind. Both of us are still gonna meet so many people in ours lives that our meeting is gonna be only one out of hundreds of all meetings. What we once talked about is not gonna be anything to remember after ten years. We will hardly remember each other after couple of years have passed.

Still, right now, I miss him so much that I never knew that would be even possible. I miss him when I'm awake and in my dreams I meet him again. In a morning when I wake up, I wish I wouldn't have to open my eyes. Why do I have to give him up?

I thought I wouldn't miss him. I thought that I could easily forget his warm brown eyes. I thought I could stop thinking about his voice and words and his thoughts.

I just realized that I was so wrong.''

I don't know

I don't know what's happening.

Maybe nothing and then I just want to mess things up that something would happen.

I know, because I always seem to mess everything up.

---------------

You kept me alive,

Until I wanted to die

So I kicked you out of my life

---------------

It hurts to see

I'm not good enough

that I'm the second one

I gave up on him.

That's what I did.

He thinks that I'm not good enough for him.

Well, as you know... he is so wrong! I'M TOO GOOD FOR HIM.

So I'll just let him fall down

... and disappear.

Sometime I must wonder... does he even existed?

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA!

PS. I _already_ feel so much better without him

mewww!

Hyvää nimipäivää, minä !

My mom gave me a little garden in a jar, including Carnivorous plant! I was so excited about it that I put a stone in there and it almost ate my finger until it snapped and closed! OMGGG I'm a little afraid of a plant

Next week is my mom's birthday, I have to think about something nice for her..

I did my nails today and my hands look very funny when half of the nails are much longer than you can usually see on me and another ones just broke and therefore are now very short (almost no nails) and then they are purple : DDDD and on the top of it, the paint is almost gone already!

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I saw MEW tonight!

I had very nice time and felt like flying inside my head when listening the amazing sounds and saw dreamy flashes and pictures on the screen. I loved it !

sleep.

I don't wanna sleep

because I'm only dreaming of you.

no title.

Last Sunday I went to Placebo's concert ^^

It was awesome ! I cannot put it to words.

I had this smile on my face when I saw my man there singing and playing his guitar ^^

luvvvv.

He is so beautiful..

I wish I could be so beautiful.

--------------------------------------------------

Today was busy

(I got horrible headache couple times..)

First I almost couldn't get up. My dad was making noise and I got curious so I did wake up anyways.

I ate and as soon as I got read two pages of this little-print-no-pictures psych-book, I was soon in a sleep again -__-

I didn't get myself up until my mom called me to eat soup.

After that I went to Itäkeskus. I went to do some runnings and we went to a visit with our class. THE TATTOO GUY!! I saw him too : ) and it saved my day to see him.

it also ruined tings too... He has been in my mind since. I even googled his name !!

Then got home and had so horrible head ache that I almost skipped my japanese lesson.

Glad I didn't though, next week I cannot make it I realized.

I just hate it when I go there and my teacher tells us about Japan and I'm just thinking why the hell I cannot go there and see some new places with someone ?

Well, what ever. I cannot wait for Christmas. I even baked ginger bread on Monday! (Almost ate it all already..)

Also, I found my old candles from last years. They smell melon (green) & strawberry (red).

Just.. I'm glad I don't have to buy so many presents this year, since I have no friends to buy them.

I will buy for my girl

for my sweet cat ^^

and for my family members

+ (also those living abroad)

and have to buy Christmas cards btw! Just some ^^

Silence, please---

I feel

nothing.

I don't wanna think any longer.

I don't wanna see it.

I'm tired of this feeling

and getting sick of my own thoughts

dreams that I couldn't meet

whispers to myself


disappoinment to my own pathetic self.

Let me just look at the blackness, get my eye lost in the darkness

and take me in


forever ...

empty head

The tattoo guy didn't come today either : / last week neither..

I wonder if he got the piggy-pandemia.... or was just busy/lazy/sleepy/troubled
or just couldn't make it there.

Or maybe he changed his mind about the friday studies group......
Nooooooo : <
hope not!

- - -

I also did some cheap shopping today.. my purpose was to buy some presents for Christmas, but well I only bought earrings and a hairband for myself. Just coudln't find anything...
But I got a great idea what to buy for my mom ! Just.. I need 40euros, or otherwise I have to take the 20euro one which one is not as pretty.
Hmm, DAD?! ^__^

i also got this huge and boring looking book about personality psychology... WELLL sounds interesting and stuff but it doesn't seem to be... when I open the book. It's rather scary when I know how much I have to write about it. YIIIIIIKS.

Well, I'm glad I almost finished another essay that I have to do first anyways. Just a little bit more.. gonna be ready tomorrow I hope!
Since tomorrow night I have no time for it...
I hope to meet my favorite girl tomorrow.
But you can never be sure when it's about her.....

...and me.

What bothers me.

There are two things that strongly link together...

First, people.

Where are they?

Lately I have been all alone. I'm not so sure why actually...
Well, some of my friends live far away so I cannot meet them often. When I do meet them, it all ends so fast that it only makes me sad in the end.

Another is my friends here, who are so passive.
Well, I'm passive myself too at times, but I just hate to feel that I'm the pathetic one trying to drag along and have nothing else to do.
I actually walked away for long time ago with those friends who seemed to be selfish and passive, only thinking of themselves. Goodbye I don't miss you because I don't need someone like you..

I'm also easy to make new friends, but just somehow I end up being so fucking difficult and full of problems that many people walk away and don't want to bother anymore. Well, they don't know what they are losing..

just, I feel like there is no way I can even find good friends since they all seem to be scared, too busy or just not interested enough to find who I really am inside. Well that is just sad.. I cannot be a person who is open enough. But I will open up when I see people opened themselves up as well.

Then, another thing is that I feel like everything that I do is useless..

I'm buying new clothes. For who? Whose gonna see them anyway? Maybe I even buy something I have never chance to wear. Or I wear too fancy clothes at home and then they get dirty for the time I should be able to wear them... the time I finally go somewhere.

I'm learning languages. What for? I have no money for even visit the countries or ever live there... should I just speak to myself and end up feeling ridiculous and pathetic? Or just stay home and watch foreign movies which are subtitled anyways?

I'm decorating my room. Too bad there are so few visitors. Also, some people I don't even want to let in here...

I'm baking something delicious. For who? Myself? Well in case I want to get fat. Mostly I end up feeling so pathetic when nobody eats my food that I will end up eating it all by myself. Well that's pathetic. And that's why I don't bake often...

What is the point when there is never a chance to use anything...

I would like to go for a trip to somewhere but with who? I'm taking my cat I suppose.....

loving it!

Today was my lucky day ! ^^

First I was crying over an University that didn't want to let me in (they had put their standards so high this year..) and I was getting totally desperate and just thinking what the hell am I gonna do. Well, it still bites to get a rejection because it was my first choice.. but well, I'm no perfect.

Then my dad got home and I went to check about the situation with Uni applications again (you have no idea, I have been refreshing the page over and over this blank expression on my face very much lately ahahahah!!)

and seeems like I'll move to Scotland to study after all!!

I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw that I have one offer that's quaranteeing me a place in Psychology ! AWWWE!

Still, I want to keep quiet a little bit, since I still have some offers to come. Not yet sure what Uni I'm going to end up.. but I know it's gonna be in Scotland.

I can't wait next year... finally I'm gonna be out of here

and speak English 24/7.

Dizziness

This week has been so strange. Good things happened, bad things happened.
I didn't see him at once.. well, probably my own fault.
Actually, during this week I haven't been so active for several reasons..

I got some medicine and it's making me so dizzy and feeling sick that I have been afraid to go out of home for a long time. It just happens that all of a sudden, I'm staring feeling so sick that I cannot do anything. It's not that I'm eating something bad, just some side effect from the medicine. Just the thing is, it's making me feel so bad that I have to go to sleep that it goes away. I have been sleeping a lot this week, in the middle off the day... Then, when I try to sleep at night, sometimes I have so much trouble to fall into sleep.

Another nightmare happened on Friday. First of all, I already had a bad feeling in a morning but went to school to see N and also the tattoo-guy since he might be in the same group. Well, he didn't show so I was a little disappointed. We went to visit in a place and there, all a sudden... my eye got crazy again and it was having a little shock there since my eye is hurting so bad that it's crying an crying itself out and it was very embarrassing to stand there in a little room with our group (well thank god, I turned my back on them and all the sudden I was ''so into the glass things in the vitrin'' and I was there staring at the glass thingies and just crying myself out of my head. I almost left the whole room but couldn't move myself since it would have been too much attention and probably if I would have done that, I won't come back anymore.

So I was there just waiting to get out of there, waiting to this man to shut up and let us go..... well when he did, I was afraid I look like a mess and was just wiping my eye and explaining this all to N, who though I was just tired and still feeling ill. Well, I'm glad it seemed like that..... well, I told her I have to go home and rest. She told me my eye looked red...

Yeah, well after that I felt so weak that I went to buy something very bad for me..
At home, I started to feel worse and at the end my head was like exploding so I went to a long nap. Also, every day, I have been feeling very cold... so it doesn't really do good for me to go outside?

Okies... I hope to feel better someday soon. Hopefully tomorrow is gonna be a nice day since it's Father's day.
I have a cute present for my dad, of course, since he is my hero

EWWWW, this post was so boring, sorries!!

Hopes and dreams

I have been dreaming and thinking so much lately.


I made a little list so that I can some day probably make some of these true..

I hope to start my old hobby again.

Hoping to be able to see Tabea in the near future.

Planning a railway trip across the Europe for the summer 2010

Finish the two short stories I started.

A dream of losing weight at least 3 kilos.


I got this awesome idea of going abroad and just no one noticing it. Then build my life there, starting from nothing and just enjoying the adventure of not knowing what will happen next. Then thinking again, it would be good to have a friend who would come with me, just in case something happens. Only thing is that people I know are nothing but adventurous... or just too crazy. I need a person I can trust, for a trip like that.

Wishing stairs

I spent Friday with my favorite person ever. We went to a store, bought carrots and candy.
We didn't do much actually, just talking, drinking a little and watching TV. I think we both enjoyed just spending time together, it didn't matter we didn't actually talk so much this time. We just felt we didn't have to.

She asked me questions though, older things that I even forgot that I told her once. I was suprised she still remembers them, I barely remember myself.
I realize that this girl is someone I never want to disappear anywhere. She has to be somewhere quite near that I can be sure she is alright.

We watched a korean scary movie called ''Wishing stairs''.
I really liked it. It wasn't scary though, just very tragic.
And ballet dancers there, ahhhhhhh ^^

I got home very late because it takes so long way from Vantaa to here : D
I didn't feel like sleeping so I didn't.
After sleeping two hours I woke up when my mom comes to my room and tells me my brother is coming. It was 5'am so I was pretty much dead.....
After that I couldn't sleep for hours -__-

Also I was shopping in Helsinki with my mom yesterday.
I found shoes, yay!
Also she gave me money and I bought two necklesses and a little cute bag.
Loving it! : )

I wish I could go back in time.

I wish I could go back in time, the time she was mine.

Yhyy. I miss being with her so much..

I feel absolutely great aroung her.

Still I wish things could be the same...

I wish she would be the same

and me too.

the OLD TIMES!

How nostalgic can I ever get ?

I'm too depressed, too go on

Oaahhhh, *sighhhhhhhh*......



Why-oh-why everything seems so impossible right now ?

I feel like I have lost my ability to do ANYTHING.
I mean, just easy little things seem impossible.
Like, getting up in the mornings.

What the hell is wrong with me ?
I feel like crying but just can't.


This morning I went to a school I applied. Already yesterday and the day before that I realized writing my essay that I actually don't even want to get in there.
Why am I applying there then? Well it's good to be in a school and I thought it would be ok for me to start with since University seems like a fucked-up-dream nowadays.

But yeahh, I know what I want and can't get it so it feels very frustrating to trying to get something that I don't even want. WELLLL, I had a bad feeling about going to this school this morning, I knew it and almost turned back.

Actually I did, after seeing this fucking exam there.
I didn't even read the book the questions were from. What the fuck ? Well, you can tell I wasn't actually so into this thing, yeahh.
So I skipped the whole interview thing and went to school.

It was even worse there. I totally felt like a ghost wrapped in a cloth that didn't let me breathe through. What_is_this ? Well I spent my extra time on the computer and then went to eat when I saw some of my classmates going too.
I got to a table and saw him on the other side of the hall. He actually looked at me.. I quickly looked away.
how embarrassing this can get.....

He is something I can never get.
But I love his laugh.... he was laughing today so much that it made me bleed inside. I'm dreaming for the moment we could laugh together. So sad that's never gonna happen.
I'm just nothing he likes. How could he ever even talk to me? I cannot do anything right.
Yhyyyyyyy..
He doesn't even know that I exist.

I feel like this night is gonna be cry-cry. I feel like crying and I can only do it in the dark, facing my pillow.


I feel so fucking fat !
and very ugly
Stupid as hell
So fucking weak
...and ridiculous.




pssst. I'm so glad I will go to the doctor next Monday. Maybe she should rewrite a description I used to have. That would be my heaven and hell.

sweety weekend

This weekend was sweeeeeet!

On Saturday I spent an awesome day in Helsinki city; playing tourist doing a lot walking around, going into the shops and taking pictures. Before all that, I went to grab my friend from Makasiini terminal, she came straight from Tallinn : DD

We walk around and ended up killing our feet. We found some very cool shop with awesome vintage stuff ! Oaaah it was expensive though, but lovely old-fashioned stuff.
It was freezing cold! We ate in the shopping mall and bought some cheap earrings. We went home and ended up staying there, watching a movie and eating some Estonian chocolate and Japanese candy!

This morning we woke up at 7.00 because we couldn't remember that it's the day when the clock goes an hour back so we thought it's 08.00 hahahahahahhaa! That happens to me soooo often ! See how well information actually gets to me ? It gets lost somewhere.. I just never know where..

Well, we still had a lot to do. We watched both of our photos from Japan, gggreat memories! ^^ We watched Kung fu Panda (in Japanese with English subs) which was great! And went for a walk (with our cameras) and collected some maple leaves (she made me a rose out of it, I never knew how to do it).

Later we did some origami (She made a horse and we both made bunnies thahahaha). And we chilled in the city for a while, ate ice cream and went to a Cybershop. Soon she had to go back to the ship so byebyes.

A lot of fun with Tuuli, my friend from Estonia. We make a great team and have always fun and interesting things to talk about. Ohh and I'm always happy to use ENGLISH ^^
She is so nice that I hope to see her in the future again. She doesn't live that far away anyway.. Next time I'll probably visit her! But she doesn't live in Tallinn though. Well, doesn't matter as long as there is something cheap to shop.

Yahhooo for international friends! <3
And how terribly I'm missing Tabea... I got a letter from her from Germany and almost cried when I looked at the photos she sent.

Just the only bad thing she coming here was that I totally had an overdose with chocolate... way over. Well, never perfect, ehhhh ?

Smells like trouble here

A lot of things happened today ! *___*

I visited a childcare place with my school group. It was a little boring, but I got to see the tattoo guy once again ^^ yay, I actually noticed a lot of new things about him today.

One thing for example... how the hell he is so cute ? ---- OOOPS, Am I getting a new crush? WHAT? Nono, I couldn't bare. One is enough.. I think. But this one, he plays guitar and sings in a band ! Is that hot or what?

And then... WTF !! I saw him today! We actually talked because he seemed to be in no hurry and I was just curious to stop. Haven't talk face to face in months so I totally was out of my mind....

I went to library, home. I ate tons of ice cream and watched a movie called The orther Boleyn girl which has gorgeous Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansson. Well, Eric Bana is ok too : D

I got some progress with some school stuff. yay... Still I feel like I'm a lot behind.

AND, the most important at all.......

I'm starting my diet again. This time it gonna be:
a light breakfast + vitamins, one-two piece of bread and fruits/vegetables and that's all for a day. About 500kcals a day.

Just home my folks don't notice anything and that I can keep myself busy and happy enough to do this. Oh and I also would need to work on my motivation.. seems like it got lost somewhere a while ago.. Wish me luck!

My eyes are cursed!

Today was a little catastrophe.
I finally got my psychology essay sent, yayyy!

But I also had a big fight with my left eye... -__-
I'm telling you, these eyes are fucking cursed ! People say they are pretty and what-so-ever, but the truth is, I always had big fight with these eyes.
One thing, they used to tear always all the time and in wrong places.
I was a kid who always cried, I remember when at school all the sudden I just started to cry.
Then I also cried in the middle of the night and my dad came to wake me up from my nightmares.
Well, that explains my weirdness or what, hahahaha.

Nowadays it's just the opposite.
Like today, my tears would have done good. They didn't come though.

So today I had a fight again... My left contact lense started all a sudden feel very nasty and didn't keep it's place so I was like wtf, should I take it out. Well, all make up on, I thought it's no a good thing to do, it will settle. YEAH, RIGHT, I got outside and just blinked my eye all the time and then I couldn't see at all. I realised the left lense maybe came off my eye or something, I couldn't see anything with my left eye so I though the lense was out. But how the hell did it came off by itself? No way !

I went to a short trip and had to come back home because my right eye was getting tired and I felt a little weird walking around people with not seeing so well. Then at home I tried to see if the lense is somewhere or what. I was looking for it very long time and then I realized a little pain in my upper lid. I saw something in the very corner of my eye.. and I almost fainted of terror when I realized what the hell has happened and where the hell the lense had go.
I always had this amazing fear of touching my eye and I freak out very easily if someone tries to put those nasty drops in or comes anywhere close to my eyes.. well, I went to internet, ask-a-google-friend and found out that it's normal and not harmful and that the lense can go under the upper lid and that it cannot get anywhere it shouldn't have. Yayyy, then I had about thousand fights with my eye and myself and almost gave up.
Then all a sudden, a thing was flying in my eye and I realized I needed to get it out and that it was a piece of my contact lense. A PIECE, omgg fuck, it has broken!
Then I had a crazy hurry to find another piece but couldn't see it anywhere.. Shhhhit. Well, I went to do other things and went to the mirror once a while. Finally I got it out and omg my left eye hurts and is a little red.

Yeah, you want a call my eyes pretty, huh?!
I_don't_think_sooo
-____-

they are a fucking pain.

I'm just a sad creature

I really hate my reflection. Should I crack all the mirrors in my room? Especially I can't stand the biggest one. Uglyuglyugly body and my face looks like a fat ghost. I can't stand myself.

We had a little visite today with my class.
We went to a place (a little registered association) for people with learning disabilities. You know, problems with reading & writing, dyslexia, ADHD, autism etc.
We had a lecture and first half I was just yawning and tired as hell and then the rest of it made me really sad. It reminded me of school and especially my time in elementary school. Also when I had difficulties with my slow reading in High School. I wanted to hit myself because that lesson we listened the only one I marked as cool guy in my class.. he was sitting across and I must have looked like a zombie, locked inside my bad memories and just staring in a darkness. I'm just a sad creature. But the whole fucking place that I used to go a year, came to my mind. Even thinking that place makes me breathe abnormally. Those were the weakest times in my life.

Lately it has been pretty weak too. Very gloomy, lonely and hard.
Thinking about the last year, I got dumped about this time of a year and that made me miserable. Well, it was my own fault since I didn't wanted to get married.
Then I met a new friend. He was nice and my saviour. I couldn't stand him long enough though, thinking about dumping him, I still feel bad about it and feel like a monster. But I got my eye on someone else during that time and I just felt it wasn't right, right?

Well, seems like that there's no savior for this time. He just doesn't care .. and I want no one else.

At the end, I want to put three songs that make me cry, eventhough I thought I'm not able to do that anymore.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXMF_fEdz2k
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKdUoufMvd4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_gnmBtM49U

Let her smile for once, bitch

My day started really awkwardly. First of all, I was such a sleepyhead that I forgot to take my vitamins.. I was ready to go to school when I realize that somethings wrong with my right eye because I put my contact lense in and it the eye hurted so bad that I couldn't keep it open.. So I was wiping my eyes off because it teared so bad and since I couldn't keep it open, it was very hard to get the lense out. I so hate when that happens.. not very often though.

So I had a little shock because I first couldn't get it out of my eye but then I just took a deep breath and tried again and I got it off. The eye was red and still hurted so I just decided to get some more sleep that it would heal and that I don't have to cancel my plans for tonight. School is not that important, so I had to skip and just keep sleeping till noon.. haha.

I went to see my friend at her place. The train was so crouded that it made me hate trains-going-to-Vantaa even more. I got off and my friend was quickly there with her car.
We had tea and just chatted for hours. I noticed that I really had missed it. She was actually a little more talkative than usually, and she is one of the only ones that I can talk to very openly.

Then she had a call from her ex or not-ex. They really have some kind of on-off relationship and I really don't like that relationship at all. I think it makes my friend just miserable and that she has deserved so much better. The call was long and I was watching MTV, haha. Then my friend came back but I read her face very quickly and knew that the call had ruined her day. Well, we tried to catch up the converstation but then her phone rings again. Darn, it's the ex again. Then they talked even longer time (this time she was crying on the phone) and I was really getting bored.. Well, after that my friend apologied and offer me a ride for home. I was actually glad to leave, just too bad that the whole night turned like this.

I'm very disappointed. I just think my friend always gets all the shit on her back. She always seems to make the wrong decicions or just has a bad luck. I already told her that she should end this relationship but she seems to be just too desperate or something to not to do it. She always seems to think that everything is her faulth as well. I try to talk to her every time and stuff but.. Well, I cannot do a lot, she has to realize it by herself.
And I'm always ready to help this girl, she is very important for me eventhough we don't see often.

Anyways I had a nice time with her and a good day eventhough some shit happened. It's just how the life is.
Also I'm proud of myself for not eating all that candy-popcorn-chips-chocolate that was on the table in front of my eyes for a long time. I only took a couple, just to please my friend.

Tomorrow I hope that we will warm up the sauna. I have to relax hahahahaha.

New terrain

I have decided it.

This attitude has to change.

I want myself back again.


Yeahhh, I'm just gonna try harder. Be stronger, be independent.
Maybe some day I'll find the happiness.
I'm gonna take it step by step..

I started today.

This feels a lot better already

And I actually like some things about fall

like for example the leaves the sound when your shoe crushes them

and their colors of course

I also like the excuse walking fast/run everywhere because it's so windy and cold that you just want to get inside really fast

There is some 'feeling going on' only when it's autumn.

A disaster

今日､　まるでぶたみたいにたくさん　食べました

＞'':

I'm so angry at myself.
Enough said.
To punish myself I have to clean my room

right now!

this is hard.

Seems that there is just too much to handle (for me) right now.

I wonder if I'll be able to see an honest smile on my face somewhere around Christmas..
Well, it would be more than nice.

I need to lose weight.

I need to get my skin back to normal..
(seems harder than I thought.. ssssshit!)
based on the research I have done, seems like Im missing some vitamins.. o_O

I should read read and read boring books and prepare all the tasks for school

I should restart my life again.

Don't even ask the last one... I give you a hint though, it's something to do with the last entries..

Yeah, what the fuck ! I find it amazingly difficult to do all those things at the same time ! Because for example, I cannot concentrate on my diet before my skin is alright.. Therefore, all this shit makes me feel so bad that I don't have an ability or motivation to do any of the reading and school things !

Victim of the city

A part of me wants to fall,

Another part wants to keep doing alright.

What a mess

. . .



He is filling my head. Every minute and second. I actually only live for him.
This is just ridiculous. Why am I such a loser ?

My diet is failing. Makes me feel mad but I just have to take care of my skin right now.
Next thing is to keep up with school. After that I can think about my diet again. Grrrrrr!

Back to him.
Ugh...
He really is killing me and at the same time my only reason to live.

I'm only alive as long as I can love him. Then again.. I have to think, is it really love? Well, I'm not sure but I'm dying to see him again.
He is causing me pain but he is the one that could ever make me happy. As long as I love him, it doesn't even mean that he has to love me. Just to be with me would make me happy.

I was about to ask him to hang out with me but on the another hand, I don't want him to see me as I am right now. I feel ugly.. and probably I wouldn't act myself.
Or.. maybe I'm just afraid and want that he would ask me to hang out...

Oh crap, why does it has to be like that ? When I have a chance, I won't use it and when I don't, then I would be ready to go for it ?

onetwothreefour

Haven't written for a while, I just didn't feel like it.

I have been down, very down lately. Too tired to do anything, also found that nothing is exchiting enough to actually do.. I also skipped school, so bad bad..

Load of work and it's GROWING all the time. It made me feel worse but now I decided that fuck that, I will take my holiday first ahahahaha. omg, this is really gonna be a trouble less than in a week
About GROWING.. I could also mention my ass, thighs and belly ... or as it feels. Shit, is that fucking scale lying to me ? It says that I had lost 2 kilos, yeah right what the hell.....

Yesterday and today
I went to 'Crazy Days', a big (and really crazy) sale in Stockmann.
I found some cool stuff (like I always do):

- black gardigan/sweater with buttons 10e
- black/dark jeans 20e
- dark blue zebra-striped hoodie 20e
- tiny and light purple umbrella a 6e
- dark blue normal long-sleeve shirt 6e

- a clock on my wall! It's silver and pretty, has diamonds hahah 20e
- Kiki's delivery service DVD 5e
- Twilight DVD 13e

YAHOOOO! I love stuff like that hahahaha. New clothes<3 And I was with my mom who is the best so she bought them for me<3

Tonight I have to do a little boring paper for school. Hmmm, since I got a book for it and it's gonna be graded as passed/failed...
and it's something about the law...
I'm not gonna spend too much time on it.

OAAAAH now I'm getting so hungry... we bought fish<3
FOOOOOD, NOW!

Ohh, I actually stopped eating wheat products. I eat less carbohydrates as well as sugar (eventhough that seems impossible since I'm a sugarmouse)
and today I cut coffee also :/ (which made me angry and sleepy all morning..)
Why? Simply because my skin has gotten so so so amazingly bad that I'm getting concerned..

I feel so ugly.. :''''<

25% positive

YAYYYY

I got a little cheered up today! : ) First of all, yesterday I found a pair of old mittens (?) which are perfect for this weather. Glad not to have to buy new ones ;) so I spent my money for new headphones, those kinds that are in-ear so they don't fall off. And they are BLUE<3 like my iPod!

In a fitting room, trying a pair of jeans on I felt a little frustrated when they didn't zip up but as the mirror there told me as well, I have so much fat around my waist and ass that I have to get thinner so I bought them ; DDD they were half-prize anyway and therefore if I want to use then, I have to be smaller ;) so brilliant hahaha!!

Also a weird thing is that I saw HIM! It's already two times on this week ! Call it destiny? hahha!! And this time he saw me aswell. I didn't even care about the fact that she was with a girl, I was so happy to see him ! But lol, he didn't look that happy to see me : DDD he looked suprised.

HAHAHAHA, I got a free Cosmopolitan -magazine by mail o_O well, I love magazines. Also, there are always beautiful people inside<3

Tomorrow I will visit my sister's. Probably spend a night too.. Yeaaaah one motive to go is that I can eat whatever I want there ( in this case, I can eat as less as I want ) and my mom is not telling me to eat more or bringing food under my nose.
We are gonna watch movies (Sic & Nancy and Wild Child ) <3

Probably before that I will buy some food for myself (diet Blueberry soup, diet Coke, Solero- ice cream<3)>

Yayyy, tomorrow no school so I will go to a GYM : 'D
Finally, I have a chance to go and my mom wants to so don't have to go alone.

Although, my school week has been amazingly slacking ! I didn't go on Monday, neither Wednesday nor today 8D But the thing is, I like my freedom and if I don't feel like going to school, then I just don't and I study at home (hmmm?).

I should write an essay.. but, how lazy do I feel? o__O

Nightmare continues..

I have tried

so fucking many times

Where did I lose my self control?

I should stop eating totally.


She said: ''Have you lost weight?''

AAARGGGGGGH!!

She said: ''Don't diet too much.''

Me: ''I have GAINED kilos.''

She really pisses me off.

I DIET AS MUCH AS I WANT !


I need to get out of here.. sooner the better. Here I only go insane.

Btw,

Today I had this awesome idea so I sent a txt to my friend. She answered no-no. Tear tear, I wanted to have a party at her house..

AND WHY, OH WHY I have to

-write a good essay about me And at the same time feel like I'm lying and that I'm just the worst applicant ever and that they should not pick me

- write and read about EMOTIONS and FEELINGS and how do they reflect our ACTIONS right now when I should NOT think about them and just forget everything ? I first thought I should not do this essay but wtf, I cannot fail it so I might as well destroy myself and it's all better

Sad sad feelins :<
This time is the worst of the whole year !

I bet it's the fucking darkness, cold and just this shitful life here in the Northern Hell.

PS. Is it true that if u dig a hole deep enough, you end up to China? ^^
(I might be desperate enough to actually try that..)

got no friends, got no lover

This is my bipolar life.
I'm glad it has a name..
Today was so much of that.

Today has been a hell of a day. Cannot bear it....
My mom woke me up at 9am and I got so angry that had difficult falling back to sleep but still didn't get up. At 10.pm I did. I hid my anger and turned it into chippy-cheerful-over...
I talked with her about my sister, brother, and me being kids. What a conversation.
She went to work and I started freaking out since I didnt have to pretend anymore.
I freaked out in a level that I thought it was better to skip tutoring from tonight.

I wanted to act like a human being when realizing my dad was coming from work so I went to buy some sweets since I felt so shit and planned to watch Romeo and Juliet at midnight as I last time did. My dad was home and I chat with him about my University choices etc. Glad to say, I remained calm for him.

Nowww
What can I say?

I feel like breaking that mirror on my table because it doesn't reflect anything I would like to see. Too bad as well that I just read about a faker's smile so I know 10000% how it looks now.
A faker's smile.. that is the one I have adopted. My own disappeared somewhere and wonder if it gets ever found.
I look like a corpse...

And I was so excited to see Mew in November.. but it's not gonna be cool 'cos I have to be there alone. My friend got a seat and I have a stand area ticket (as it is the best!) but noooo, it's not cool to be there alone and people run me over :<
It's very cool not to have friends.
Got no friends, got no lover.

PS. why the hell I always feel even worthless as human being when I write here?
I should just kick myself.. like I would be someone who has a right to whine.. but whatever, I'm a difficult bitch who is never happy so try to deal with that !

Deal with it.

It's about the time.

My whole life I have been denying some truths. It's very easy, I just make myself believe that they are not true and then they really are not.

For example, I'm not getting any skinnier, my jeans are just getting loose.

He didn't answer my message because he doesn't want to see me.

My ex never loved me, he just didn't want to be alone so he wanted to be with me.

There were not too many applicants applying for schools, it was just I didn't get accepted because I was not good enough.

My mom doesn't want to understand me because she doesn't care about me.

That guy just didn't smile for me, probably for someone behind me.

Me doing a right thing in my life is always the opposite for me. I didn't do anything, it was someone else or I should have done that instead of that.. I could have done better, it's not enough.

wondering

Whoa.

Not sure how i'M FEELING.

it's him. again.. Yes, my little world is moving around him and he probably doesn't even know it. A part of me still wants to believe that he might think of me here and then but let's get real, probably not.
But I know he is thinking someone.. seems like he is in love ! Just maybe.. I should not think about it. Whoever the girl is, I.....
whatever. I'm tired of this.
No way, I think I should now let it out what I think.

I have this HUGE crush in him. Had it since... hmm, from last spring? yeap.
Actually, he filled my head before I broke up with my ex. That's why I broke up with him actually.
Just one thing that makes me wonder is the way he is acting so fucking cold-hearted. I wanted to believe he is not, but it's actually very hard to really see some evidence for that.
But when I was alone with him, he was really nice and and always made me laugh and asked questions. He even teased me a lot. Still he was very spiky with his words sometimes.
He met my parents (accidentally) when we were chilling in a park and visited my house one weekend. I went to movies with him and we had good conversations... he always seemed to have fun with me....... and we were much alike it seemed.

I miss him. We only met once during summer.
For some reason, I'm running away from him. Probably because I can tell that he doesn't give a shit for me..
Still, he is in my head a lot.
At times, I feel like talking to him (sometimes he doesn't reply my txts). But I know that I should not.
I don't know what the hell he wants..
But I should keep myself out.
The only thing is that he has already destroyed me.....

I think I will go for girls from now on

WOAAAAH I saw a wonderful showww<3
Miyavi@Tavastia!
<3

I was there alone.. since no one wanted to/could come but it wasn't that bad, only thing was to wait outside in the line because it was sooooo cold and everyone else had a friend or two.

Yesterday I went to a hair dresser (she recolored my roots, and all the hair is now actually more brown and a bit red) and we celebrated my dad's birthday and mom made a cake<3 I ate half of it I'm positive : DD

Later my dad helped me with my essay and I'm happy to get it done very soon : ) also, my old school sent me a reference so that's done aswell ;)

School was very shitful today. I did a group work with someone who was totally stupid and didn't even know how to look good (how to shave and not have a dry skin : DD, new glasses would make a difference and shower for the smell.. hmmm, how would I do as a stylist?! Gotta think my career plans again hahah) and he didn't have any ideas for the work so basically I did all the work and we ended up running out of time.. Well, whatever.. I did my best to ask him ideas and at the end he thank me for the co-operation!
Then one good thing about school.. He talked to me for the first time ! ^^ And at the lunch I asked to sit at his table :o I was too shy to talk to him though.. but at least I sat there so maybe he at least noticed me.
Still I think maybe.. he thinks I'm a weirdow ! hahahahahah but I love his laugh ; ) and he's a cutie and has cool tattoos hahahohoho.

PS. I took a lot pictures today but I look so ugly from that close so I better not to upload them anywhere..

headache + heartache = dead x__X

Seems like they are killing me again. I'll have to find a way not to even look at them !!
I can't stand myself . . . .
WHY I always make everything so difficult?! :<
This is soo wrong . . .

At least I had read a good start out of school books. Still the work is just doubleing all the time !
And where the fuck is my reference from my old school.. ! I can't send any applications if the situation is this. They bastards..!

Then, I got some new ideas for my creative writing. Still, haven't started typing it.

I feel like I could do all of this.. easily and fast.. but there is this one person dragging me down. Haunting in my mind ! I'M TIREDDDDD!

Pearls inside the box of silver roses

I LUVVVVV my grandma!

Yesterday we drove an hour to my Grandma's house (my brother didn't come). We had good food there, watched old photos of my family and my mom and other relatives young ^^

Then my grandma gave me the prettiest jewelery box ever. It is silver and has roses all over. Inside there was a pearl bracelet ^^ She also gave me a Kalevala neckless and a bracelet <3

I love jewelery..

:<

I just realized that my clothes look very ugly on me..

Man, I cannot wait the next year..

(A)nger (B)oredom (C)areless

Why every time I look at the mirror I see some expressionless, bad living, fat and a lifeless girl. She looks like she has lost her life somewhere long time ago!
Well, that's me.

This morning anger hit me. All the sudden I just got angry! I probably was thinkin' about him and that made me breathe some bad air and my brain got overheated. I really wanted to kick something but I couldn't. I'm glad I didn't make a sound, only inside I was screaming from the top of my lungs.
There must be something wrong with me.
Well, I know already that I'm fat and my face has dropped off.

The whole day was pretending. First my mom who all the sudden was leaving the house as I was. I was boiling over a little, but then I immediately hid it.
On my way to school I put some music to let it out with it. (Bullet for my Valentine, I was mad when I noticed I didn't have any screamo or stuff)
I got to school and sit there as calm as I could. Nnnnah, my friend came and I had to talk. I felt bad to ignore some things she said but I just wanted to be alone.
Then the whole hallway was getting full and we went to an art exhibition as a group.

It was pretty cool there though, I put my bad mood on the side and got a dreamy sleepy mood as seeing surrealistic art. There was one interesting video tape which made me to plan my next story to write. I wrote the ideas down for later (right now I'm too weak for the theme on the story; it will be something about manipulation, self-harm and obsessive love, which makes me think of Twilight actually, but nooo I was thinking something way darker).

I was in a weak mood so I needed to spend some money. I only bought sales though, some clothes I was looking at yesterday.
I got a hoodie (it was kinda cute and nice colors hahaha) 15 e
a vest (looks like leather but surely not) 7 e
a t-shirt (green-black striped) 10 e
Not bad actually. I haven't had money to buy clothes lately..

Next I want two CD's. The newest ones from Dúné and Muse. But I have no money... so maybe library or 4shared.com

Tomorrow school.. I hope that there is at least good packed-food if the lession is gonna be boring. Well, maybe I could buy Coca cola zero tomorrow morning ^^<3

A day for failing..

I miss eating sushi :<
And lately my eating habits have been totally messed up. I only ate junk !! An too much comfort food : // The proof is that I tried on very cool jeans today which didn't fit me (my size from last spring..) I couldn' zip them!!
Fail :( well.. the good thing is, there is only one little piece of apple pie in the fridge and I bought my favorite chocolate today which didn't taste good at all and I noticed it was actually already went bad.. no longer fresh !! i was a little mad hahahahaha, how dare they sell quality chocolate in R-kioski for 2 euros and then it's some old crap, wtf!?!

Today school was alright actually. Only thing was that I was exchausted and that I had a bad habit of taking glances on his back, secretly.. I talked to a new girl in my class who seems very nice : ) and we were watching a video about Special Education. There were funny kids on the video : DD

After school I spent some ''quality time'' in a library by myself (being a big nerd surfing in facebook etc : DD) waiting for my friends to get there later. I only got 30minutes there so I tried to go shopping but as I said I lost my appetite for finding a new pair of jeans so I only bought a cute notebook where to write ^^

I thought I would be happy to see my friends for a long time. Actually I was but only the first two minutes.. after that, I wanted to leave. I don't know what's wrong with me.. It just didn't feel good to hang out with them, we have no more things in common and I feel that I'm an outsider who doesn't even wanna be an insider. Another thing that annoys me is that they are so irresponsible. Well, I should have more friends hahaha... Fail..

Since I got home I have been trying to write the final craft of my essay to apply for Universitites.. it's done, finally, but this time it's TOO LONG!! omg.. It was hard enough to write and now I have to take something out.. just.. Im-poss-ible !! :'''z Fail @ everything..

I got my Psychology books today<3 One is slightly horrible 'cos there is not really pictures or colors and it's very tiny print.. Another one is very cool and seems a good book with interesting stuff, yay!
Still.. haven't start my essay for the Special education class.. FAIL ! Well... hopefully tomorrow I will finally get the books from the library.. and just motivated enough to start (it will be night time when I'll have time.. -__- )

Then there is this thing I still didn't figure out. I just hope this one little punk would contact me and that he is not waiting for me to contact. I never call people ! And based to history of couple times.. he doesn't always give an answer to txt messages so I try to avoid that as well.Arrrgh. He's stealing my goodnight sleep.. : //

Tomorrow I hope to go to the movies.. I want to see the newest Harry Potter hahaha!

ps.. I hate blogger when it says that there is soemthing wrong with the html codes.. I'm too lazy to correct it and it's eating my nerves to fix it hundred times :p

clumsy morning, suprising evening

No school today so I took a little job ^^
There was a little girl (5 years old) caught a little cold/cough, staying home from the playschool so I went to take care of her for a day.

First she was very tired (just woke up) then afraid to talk to me (she only nodded/shook her head) so I felt a little frustrated from the inside but made it believable to look calm. I kept talking to her and all the sudden the ice was melted and I was her best friend : DDD And OMG she was cute, big puppy brown eyes ^___^ she somehow remimded me of myself being kid (just what I have seen from the home made movies from my childhood).
The day with her passed very fast especially when we watched Moomins<3 and I learned something new ! I didn't know that there's a Muumipappa's old school friend called 'Hömelö' that exist! :oo hahaahha! And we played domino and I peeled her hot dogs because she didn't want to eat the peel at all (just like me oldtimes!!) Well.. unfortunally I didn't eat the hot dogs myself because I don't eat meat at all ; )

When I left their house, I felt tired for some reason hahaha! Kids.. they have sooooo much energy that they make me jealous! I feel old ! and still so young at the same time..
At the metro station I saw a friend of mine. He walked passed me but didn't notice me. I was about to say hi but since he didn't see me and he was with some girl so I didn't say anything hhahahah.

I got home, ate (starving!!)... a lot. My mom made porridge so I just didn't have a heart to say no! Also apple pie..
And I put a new Marilyn Manson's cd on my computer. Listened to it a bit. I think I still have to listen it more to have an opinion..
Then I stalked one of my friend a little bit (looool, can't help it.. just can't) and noticed something interesting. I'm not sure what to think because I think it's either the best thing ever or the saddest thing ever and I'm trying to handle it now as it even it would be the bad news for me, how could it be good news for me at the same time.. -_- wtf am I saying.. well, just He is about to make my life very hard or make my life the best ever. I can only wait that he will say it more out loud.

It's a little scary.

Tomorrow school.. then shopping/hanging out and more school : DD
how interesting is my life again?!

A normal Monday.. bbah.

Todayyy I applied for schools (polytechnics) and fixed my essay a little and finally sent it forward. Yayy, although I really would prefer to enter a University. But it's good to apply.. I can decide about it later, hahaha. Maybe I'll finally end up where I should..

My hair is getting currrrrly and long again<3 I want to keep it long now. I need a new dye!! HOOOOY, the lady who I usually go had an accident so my hair has gotten very nasty and the color greww out :< hopefully next week I will get it done. I love going to a hairdresser<3 Ohhh and wtf, I still have some photoshoot to go to :/ No problem.. I like big cameras (as long as they let me see and delete the pictures they took) just that my skin is not the prettiest right now ! :< I don't know who put those red little freckles on my cheeks.. and they don't go away.. I have to fight arrrghh!!

Something interesting happened in the last couple days. I crashed into a girl who I only know by name. She is a friend of my brothers and I almost said hi but I just kept walking because my stupid legs just decided to go forward.. Well, I went to the dear irc-galleria and found her photos. I looked at her and saw something I see when I look at my own reflection. Next I read her diary, then I read her blog. I have noooo word for the feeling I felt and what was making me keep reading and looking. This girl, I feel like I know her already. But the sad thing I don't :< What would she think if I'd just drop a line to her? Maybe we have a lot in common.. or am I just imagining?
imagining?!

I drank soooo much diet coke today, whoops..

here we go..

Okiess.

This weekend was nothing special. I only happened to drive myself insane, incredibly sad, mentally ill and excited and at the end, quite happy and positive.
Especially one thing lifted me in waaaaaay up but carefully, not there yet..

Then my parents came home and oaaaaah that hit me right on the face. Slammm.
Like living in a cave a year and all the sudden there is a big bunch of people coming in running and making noise like thousands of birds!?
I really have had it.. I see them too often to act friendly anymore. I should move out that I can be myself at home.. and be as much a bitch I ever want, eat what I want as much as I want.

On the top of it, they brought apples and deliciously tasty apple pie that I couldn't help but eating two pieces.. Hahahha, I really had to kick myself for not eating more.
Gladly, my psychology group had a meeting so I was hurrying out of the house. I felt like walking in a bubble the way to the class..

Hello world

Here I am with this new diary/blog.
I decided to move here from Livejournal since this is just more cute.

I love writing, eventhough I'm not a writer. I'm just a reporter of my own life.
I mostly write about my life, dreams, people I know, silly things, even poems and stories might be published here if I have the courage to share it : DD
Well, my goal is to keep it interesting and I hope there's gonna be some active readers too ^^
I will be as active as I see you are active to read! hahahh

So, please read and comment.