Stay sane..

[I made a new blog, but I'm keeping this one as well, to myself.

This is more deeper, I can write anything and shake my shoulders free.

This is the therapy blog, I guess. Another one is the more interesting one, a happy one. The surface.]

What I wanted to write here is that I feel so f****' confused right now.

I met a guy and I fell in love with him... then I'm gone and things get complicated. I live far away.. and I'm not sure if I can deal with this long-distance relationship... and all this heartache it costs me.

Although, I try to keep it up but keep my head cool anyways. He is far away so I have my own life... but still of course, I will talk to him. If everything goes good, maybe I can handle all this.

I'm gonna start a new life anyways. I will step out of my comfort zone and get a fresh start. I just hope I don't blow it off immediately... I'm feeling that something very crazy is gonna happen very soon... I can just beg myself so that I can keep myself in control.

It's gonna be partying... meeting new people and start a newlife in a new city.

Please, let me stay sane..

I gave up on him.

That's what I did.

He thinks that I'm not good enough for him.

Well, as you know... he is so wrong! I'M TOO GOOD FOR HIM.

So I'll just let him fall down

... and disappear.

Sometime I must wonder... does he even existed?

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA!

PS. I _already_ feel so much better without him

mewww!

Hyvää nimipäivää, minä !

My mom gave me a little garden in a jar, including Carnivorous plant! I was so excited about it that I put a stone in there and it almost ate my finger until it snapped and closed! OMGGG I'm a little afraid of a plant

Next week is my mom's birthday, I have to think about something nice for her..

I did my nails today and my hands look very funny when half of the nails are much longer than you can usually see on me and another ones just broke and therefore are now very short (almost no nails) and then they are purple : DDDD and on the top of it, the paint is almost gone already!

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I saw MEW tonight!

I had very nice time and felt like flying inside my head when listening the amazing sounds and saw dreamy flashes and pictures on the screen. I loved it !

I'm just a sad creature

I really hate my reflection. Should I crack all the mirrors in my room? Especially I can't stand the biggest one. Uglyuglyugly body and my face looks like a fat ghost. I can't stand myself.

We had a little visite today with my class.
We went to a place (a little registered association) for people with learning disabilities. You know, problems with reading & writing, dyslexia, ADHD, autism etc.
We had a lecture and first half I was just yawning and tired as hell and then the rest of it made me really sad. It reminded me of school and especially my time in elementary school. Also when I had difficulties with my slow reading in High School. I wanted to hit myself because that lesson we listened the only one I marked as cool guy in my class.. he was sitting across and I must have looked like a zombie, locked inside my bad memories and just staring in a darkness. I'm just a sad creature. But the whole fucking place that I used to go a year, came to my mind. Even thinking that place makes me breathe abnormally. Those were the weakest times in my life.

Lately it has been pretty weak too. Very gloomy, lonely and hard.
Thinking about the last year, I got dumped about this time of a year and that made me miserable. Well, it was my own fault since I didn't wanted to get married.
Then I met a new friend. He was nice and my saviour. I couldn't stand him long enough though, thinking about dumping him, I still feel bad about it and feel like a monster. But I got my eye on someone else during that time and I just felt it wasn't right, right?

Well, seems like that there's no savior for this time. He just doesn't care .. and I want no one else.

At the end, I want to put three songs that make me cry, eventhough I thought I'm not able to do that anymore.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXMF_fEdz2k
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKdUoufMvd4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_gnmBtM49U

Deal with it.

It's about the time.

My whole life I have been denying some truths. It's very easy, I just make myself believe that they are not true and then they really are not.

For example, I'm not getting any skinnier, my jeans are just getting loose.

He didn't answer my message because he doesn't want to see me.

My ex never loved me, he just didn't want to be alone so he wanted to be with me.

There were not too many applicants applying for schools, it was just I didn't get accepted because I was not good enough.

My mom doesn't want to understand me because she doesn't care about me.

That guy just didn't smile for me, probably for someone behind me.

Me doing a right thing in my life is always the opposite for me. I didn't do anything, it was someone else or I should have done that instead of that.. I could have done better, it's not enough.