What bothers me.

There are two things that strongly link together...

First, people.

Where are they?

Lately I have been all alone. I'm not so sure why actually...
Well, some of my friends live far away so I cannot meet them often. When I do meet them, it all ends so fast that it only makes me sad in the end.

Another is my friends here, who are so passive.
Well, I'm passive myself too at times, but I just hate to feel that I'm the pathetic one trying to drag along and have nothing else to do.
I actually walked away for long time ago with those friends who seemed to be selfish and passive, only thinking of themselves. Goodbye I don't miss you because I don't need someone like you..

I'm also easy to make new friends, but just somehow I end up being so fucking difficult and full of problems that many people walk away and don't want to bother anymore. Well, they don't know what they are losing..

just, I feel like there is no way I can even find good friends since they all seem to be scared, too busy or just not interested enough to find who I really am inside. Well that is just sad.. I cannot be a person who is open enough. But I will open up when I see people opened themselves up as well.

Then, another thing is that I feel like everything that I do is useless..

I'm buying new clothes. For who? Whose gonna see them anyway? Maybe I even buy something I have never chance to wear. Or I wear too fancy clothes at home and then they get dirty for the time I should be able to wear them... the time I finally go somewhere.

I'm learning languages. What for? I have no money for even visit the countries or ever live there... should I just speak to myself and end up feeling ridiculous and pathetic? Or just stay home and watch foreign movies which are subtitled anyways?

I'm decorating my room. Too bad there are so few visitors. Also, some people I don't even want to let in here...

I'm baking something delicious. For who? Myself? Well in case I want to get fat. Mostly I end up feeling so pathetic when nobody eats my food that I will end up eating it all by myself. Well that's pathetic. And that's why I don't bake often...

What is the point when there is never a chance to use anything...

I would like to go for a trip to somewhere but with who? I'm taking my cat I suppose.....

wondering

Whoa.

Not sure how i'M FEELING.

it's him. again.. Yes, my little world is moving around him and he probably doesn't even know it. A part of me still wants to believe that he might think of me here and then but let's get real, probably not.
But I know he is thinking someone.. seems like he is in love ! Just maybe.. I should not think about it. Whoever the girl is, I.....
whatever. I'm tired of this.
No way, I think I should now let it out what I think.

I have this HUGE crush in him. Had it since... hmm, from last spring? yeap.
Actually, he filled my head before I broke up with my ex. That's why I broke up with him actually.
Just one thing that makes me wonder is the way he is acting so fucking cold-hearted. I wanted to believe he is not, but it's actually very hard to really see some evidence for that.
But when I was alone with him, he was really nice and and always made me laugh and asked questions. He even teased me a lot. Still he was very spiky with his words sometimes.
He met my parents (accidentally) when we were chilling in a park and visited my house one weekend. I went to movies with him and we had good conversations... he always seemed to have fun with me....... and we were much alike it seemed.

I miss him. We only met once during summer.
For some reason, I'm running away from him. Probably because I can tell that he doesn't give a shit for me..
Still, he is in my head a lot.
At times, I feel like talking to him (sometimes he doesn't reply my txts). But I know that I should not.
I don't know what the hell he wants..
But I should keep myself out.
The only thing is that he has already destroyed me.....

I think I will go for girls from now on