I have tried
so fucking many times
Where did I lose my self control?
I should stop eating totally.
She said: ''Have you lost weight?''
AAARGGGGGGH!!
She said: ''Don't diet too much.''
Me: ''I have GAINED kilos.''
She really pisses me off.
I DIET AS MUCH AS I WANT !
I need to get out of here.. sooner the better. Here I only go insane.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Btw,
Today I had this awesome idea so I sent a txt to my friend. She answered no-no. Tear tear, I wanted to have a party at her house..
AND WHY, OH WHY I have to
-write a good essay about me And at the same time feel like I'm lying and that I'm just the worst applicant ever and that they should not pick me
- write and read about EMOTIONS and FEELINGS and how do they reflect our ACTIONS right now when I should NOT think about them and just forget everything ? I first thought I should not do this essay but wtf, I cannot fail it so I might as well destroy myself and it's all better
Sad sad feelins :<
This time is the worst of the whole year !
I bet it's the fucking darkness, cold and just this shitful life here in the Northern Hell.
PS. Is it true that if u dig a hole deep enough, you end up to China? ^^
(I might be desperate enough to actually try that..)
Today I had this awesome idea so I sent a txt to my friend. She answered no-no. Tear tear, I wanted to have a party at her house..
AND WHY, OH WHY I have to
-write a good essay about me And at the same time feel like I'm lying and that I'm just the worst applicant ever and that they should not pick me
- write and read about EMOTIONS and FEELINGS and how do they reflect our ACTIONS right now when I should NOT think about them and just forget everything ? I first thought I should not do this essay but wtf, I cannot fail it so I might as well destroy myself and it's all better
Sad sad feelins :<
This time is the worst of the whole year !
I bet it's the fucking darkness, cold and just this shitful life here in the Northern Hell.
PS. Is it true that if u dig a hole deep enough, you end up to China? ^^
(I might be desperate enough to actually try that..)
got no friends, got no lover
This is my bipolar life.
I'm glad it has a name..
Today was so much of that.
Today has been a hell of a day. Cannot bear it....
My mom woke me up at 9am and I got so angry that had difficult falling back to sleep but still didn't get up. At 10.pm I did. I hid my anger and turned it into chippy-cheerful-over...
I talked with her about my sister, brother, and me being kids. What a conversation.
She went to work and I started freaking out since I didnt have to pretend anymore.
I freaked out in a level that I thought it was better to skip tutoring from tonight.
I wanted to act like a human being when realizing my dad was coming from work so I went to buy some sweets since I felt so shit and planned to watch Romeo and Juliet at midnight as I last time did. My dad was home and I chat with him about my University choices etc. Glad to say, I remained calm for him.
Nowww
What can I say?
I feel like breaking that mirror on my table because it doesn't reflect anything I would like to see. Too bad as well that I just read about a faker's smile so I know 10000% how it looks now.
A faker's smile.. that is the one I have adopted. My own disappeared somewhere and wonder if it gets ever found.
I look like a corpse...
And I was so excited to see Mew in November.. but it's not gonna be cool 'cos I have to be there alone. My friend got a seat and I have a stand area ticket (as it is the best!) but noooo, it's not cool to be there alone and people run me over :<
It's very cool not to have friends.
Got no friends, got no lover.
PS. why the hell I always feel even worthless as human being when I write here?
I should just kick myself.. like I would be someone who has a right to whine.. but whatever, I'm a difficult bitch who is never happy so try to deal with that !
I'm glad it has a name..
Today was so much of that.
Today has been a hell of a day. Cannot bear it....
My mom woke me up at 9am and I got so angry that had difficult falling back to sleep but still didn't get up. At 10.pm I did. I hid my anger and turned it into chippy-cheerful-over...
I talked with her about my sister, brother, and me being kids. What a conversation.
She went to work and I started freaking out since I didnt have to pretend anymore.
I freaked out in a level that I thought it was better to skip tutoring from tonight.
I wanted to act like a human being when realizing my dad was coming from work so I went to buy some sweets since I felt so shit and planned to watch Romeo and Juliet at midnight as I last time did. My dad was home and I chat with him about my University choices etc. Glad to say, I remained calm for him.
Nowww
What can I say?
I feel like breaking that mirror on my table because it doesn't reflect anything I would like to see. Too bad as well that I just read about a faker's smile so I know 10000% how it looks now.
A faker's smile.. that is the one I have adopted. My own disappeared somewhere and wonder if it gets ever found.
I look like a corpse...
And I was so excited to see Mew in November.. but it's not gonna be cool 'cos I have to be there alone. My friend got a seat and I have a stand area ticket (as it is the best!) but noooo, it's not cool to be there alone and people run me over :<
It's very cool not to have friends.
Got no friends, got no lover.
PS. why the hell I always feel even worthless as human being when I write here?
I should just kick myself.. like I would be someone who has a right to whine.. but whatever, I'm a difficult bitch who is never happy so try to deal with that !
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Deal with it.
It's about the time.
My whole life I have been denying some truths. It's very easy, I just make myself believe that they are not true and then they really are not.
For example, I'm not getting any skinnier, my jeans are just getting loose.
He didn't answer my message because he doesn't want to see me.
My ex never loved me, he just didn't want to be alone so he wanted to be with me.
There were not too many applicants applying for schools, it was just I didn't get accepted because I was not good enough.
My mom doesn't want to understand me because she doesn't care about me.
That guy just didn't smile for me, probably for someone behind me.
Me doing a right thing in my life is always the opposite for me. I didn't do anything, it was someone else or I should have done that instead of that.. I could have done better, it's not enough.
My whole life I have been denying some truths. It's very easy, I just make myself believe that they are not true and then they really are not.
For example, I'm not getting any skinnier, my jeans are just getting loose.
He didn't answer my message because he doesn't want to see me.
My ex never loved me, he just didn't want to be alone so he wanted to be with me.
There were not too many applicants applying for schools, it was just I didn't get accepted because I was not good enough.
My mom doesn't want to understand me because she doesn't care about me.
That guy just didn't smile for me, probably for someone behind me.
Me doing a right thing in my life is always the opposite for me. I didn't do anything, it was someone else or I should have done that instead of that.. I could have done better, it's not enough.
wondering
Whoa.
Not sure how i'M FEELING.
it's him. again.. Yes, my little world is moving around him and he probably doesn't even know it. A part of me still wants to believe that he might think of me here and then but let's get real, probably not.
But I know he is thinking someone.. seems like he is in love ! Just maybe.. I should not think about it. Whoever the girl is, I.....
whatever. I'm tired of this.
No way, I think I should now let it out what I think.
I have this HUGE crush in him. Had it since... hmm, from last spring? yeap.
Actually, he filled my head before I broke up with my ex. That's why I broke up with him actually.
Just one thing that makes me wonder is the way he is acting so fucking cold-hearted. I wanted to believe he is not, but it's actually very hard to really see some evidence for that.
But when I was alone with him, he was really nice and and always made me laugh and asked questions. He even teased me a lot. Still he was very spiky with his words sometimes.
He met my parents (accidentally) when we were chilling in a park and visited my house one weekend. I went to movies with him and we had good conversations... he always seemed to have fun with me....... and we were much alike it seemed.
I miss him. We only met once during summer.
For some reason, I'm running away from him. Probably because I can tell that he doesn't give a shit for me..
Still, he is in my head a lot.
At times, I feel like talking to him (sometimes he doesn't reply my txts). But I know that I should not.
I don't know what the hell he wants..
But I should keep myself out.
The only thing is that he has already destroyed me.....
I think I will go for girls from now on
Not sure how i'M FEELING.
it's him. again.. Yes, my little world is moving around him and he probably doesn't even know it. A part of me still wants to believe that he might think of me here and then but let's get real, probably not.
But I know he is thinking someone.. seems like he is in love ! Just maybe.. I should not think about it. Whoever the girl is, I.....
whatever. I'm tired of this.
No way, I think I should now let it out what I think.
I have this HUGE crush in him. Had it since... hmm, from last spring? yeap.
Actually, he filled my head before I broke up with my ex. That's why I broke up with him actually.
Just one thing that makes me wonder is the way he is acting so fucking cold-hearted. I wanted to believe he is not, but it's actually very hard to really see some evidence for that.
But when I was alone with him, he was really nice and and always made me laugh and asked questions. He even teased me a lot. Still he was very spiky with his words sometimes.
He met my parents (accidentally) when we were chilling in a park and visited my house one weekend. I went to movies with him and we had good conversations... he always seemed to have fun with me....... and we were much alike it seemed.
I miss him. We only met once during summer.
For some reason, I'm running away from him. Probably because I can tell that he doesn't give a shit for me..
Still, he is in my head a lot.
At times, I feel like talking to him (sometimes he doesn't reply my txts). But I know that I should not.
I don't know what the hell he wants..
But I should keep myself out.
The only thing is that he has already destroyed me.....
I think I will go for girls from now on
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
WOAAAAH I saw a wonderful showww<3
Miyavi@Tavastia!
<3
I was there alone.. since no one wanted to/could come but it wasn't that bad, only thing was to wait outside in the line because it was sooooo cold and everyone else had a friend or two.
Yesterday I went to a hair dresser (she recolored my roots, and all the hair is now actually more brown and a bit red) and we celebrated my dad's birthday and mom made a cake<3 I ate half of it I'm positive : DD
Later my dad helped me with my essay and I'm happy to get it done very soon : ) also, my old school sent me a reference so that's done aswell ;)
School was very shitful today. I did a group work with someone who was totally stupid and didn't even know how to look good (how to shave and not have a dry skin : DD, new glasses would make a difference and shower for the smell.. hmmm, how would I do as a stylist?! Gotta think my career plans again hahah) and he didn't have any ideas for the work so basically I did all the work and we ended up running out of time.. Well, whatever.. I did my best to ask him ideas and at the end he thank me for the co-operation!
Then one good thing about school.. He talked to me for the first time ! ^^ And at the lunch I asked to sit at his table :o I was too shy to talk to him though.. but at least I sat there so maybe he at least noticed me.
Still I think maybe.. he thinks I'm a weirdow ! hahahahahah but I love his laugh ; ) and he's a cutie and has cool tattoos hahahohoho.
PS. I took a lot pictures today but I look so ugly from that close so I better not to upload them anywhere..
Miyavi@Tavastia!
<3
I was there alone.. since no one wanted to/could come but it wasn't that bad, only thing was to wait outside in the line because it was sooooo cold and everyone else had a friend or two.
Yesterday I went to a hair dresser (she recolored my roots, and all the hair is now actually more brown and a bit red) and we celebrated my dad's birthday and mom made a cake<3 I ate half of it I'm positive : DD
Later my dad helped me with my essay and I'm happy to get it done very soon : ) also, my old school sent me a reference so that's done aswell ;)
School was very shitful today. I did a group work with someone who was totally stupid and didn't even know how to look good (how to shave and not have a dry skin : DD, new glasses would make a difference and shower for the smell.. hmmm, how would I do as a stylist?! Gotta think my career plans again hahah) and he didn't have any ideas for the work so basically I did all the work and we ended up running out of time.. Well, whatever.. I did my best to ask him ideas and at the end he thank me for the co-operation!
Then one good thing about school.. He talked to me for the first time ! ^^ And at the lunch I asked to sit at his table :o I was too shy to talk to him though.. but at least I sat there so maybe he at least noticed me.
Still I think maybe.. he thinks I'm a weirdow ! hahahahahah but I love his laugh ; ) and he's a cutie and has cool tattoos hahahohoho.
PS. I took a lot pictures today but I look so ugly from that close so I better not to upload them anywhere..
Monday, September 21, 2009
headache + heartache = dead x__X
Seems like they are killing me again. I'll have to find a way not to even look at them !!
I can't stand myself . . . .
WHY I always make everything so difficult?! :<
This is soo wrong . . .
At least I had read a good start out of school books. Still the work is just doubleing all the time !
And where the fuck is my reference from my old school.. ! I can't send any applications if the situation is this. They bastards..!
Then, I got some new ideas for my creative writing. Still, haven't started typing it.
I feel like I could do all of this.. easily and fast.. but there is this one person dragging me down. Haunting in my mind ! I'M TIREDDDDD!
I can't stand myself . . . .
WHY I always make everything so difficult?! :<
This is soo wrong . . .
At least I had read a good start out of school books. Still the work is just doubleing all the time !
And where the fuck is my reference from my old school.. ! I can't send any applications if the situation is this. They bastards..!
Then, I got some new ideas for my creative writing. Still, haven't started typing it.
I feel like I could do all of this.. easily and fast.. but there is this one person dragging me down. Haunting in my mind ! I'M TIREDDDDD!
Pearls inside the box of silver roses
I LUVVVVV my grandma!
Yesterday we drove an hour to my Grandma's house (my brother didn't come). We had good food there, watched old photos of my family and my mom and other relatives young ^^
Then my grandma gave me the prettiest jewelery box ever. It is silver and has roses all over. Inside there was a pearl bracelet ^^ She also gave me a Kalevala neckless and a bracelet <3
I love jewelery..
Yesterday we drove an hour to my Grandma's house (my brother didn't come). We had good food there, watched old photos of my family and my mom and other relatives young ^^
Then my grandma gave me the prettiest jewelery box ever. It is silver and has roses all over. Inside there was a pearl bracelet ^^ She also gave me a Kalevala neckless and a bracelet <3
I love jewelery..
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
(A)nger (B)oredom (C)areless
Why every time I look at the mirror I see some expressionless, bad living, fat and a lifeless girl. She looks like she has lost her life somewhere long time ago!
Well, that's me.
This morning anger hit me. All the sudden I just got angry! I probably was thinkin' about him and that made me breathe some bad air and my brain got overheated. I really wanted to kick something but I couldn't. I'm glad I didn't make a sound, only inside I was screaming from the top of my lungs.
There must be something wrong with me.
Well, I know already that I'm fat and my face has dropped off.
The whole day was pretending. First my mom who all the sudden was leaving the house as I was. I was boiling over a little, but then I immediately hid it.
On my way to school I put some music to let it out with it. (Bullet for my Valentine, I was mad when I noticed I didn't have any screamo or stuff)
I got to school and sit there as calm as I could. Nnnnah, my friend came and I had to talk. I felt bad to ignore some things she said but I just wanted to be alone.
Then the whole hallway was getting full and we went to an art exhibition as a group.
It was pretty cool there though, I put my bad mood on the side and got a dreamy sleepy mood as seeing surrealistic art. There was one interesting video tape which made me to plan my next story to write. I wrote the ideas down for later (right now I'm too weak for the theme on the story; it will be something about manipulation, self-harm and obsessive love, which makes me think of Twilight actually, but nooo I was thinking something way darker).
I was in a weak mood so I needed to spend some money. I only bought sales though, some clothes I was looking at yesterday.
I got a hoodie (it was kinda cute and nice colors hahaha) 15 e
a vest (looks like leather but surely not) 7 e
a t-shirt (green-black striped) 10 e
Not bad actually. I haven't had money to buy clothes lately..
Next I want two CD's. The newest ones from Dúné and Muse. But I have no money... so maybe library or 4shared.com
Tomorrow school.. I hope that there is at least good packed-food if the lession is gonna be boring. Well, maybe I could buy Coca cola zero tomorrow morning ^^<3
Well, that's me.
This morning anger hit me. All the sudden I just got angry! I probably was thinkin' about him and that made me breathe some bad air and my brain got overheated. I really wanted to kick something but I couldn't. I'm glad I didn't make a sound, only inside I was screaming from the top of my lungs.
There must be something wrong with me.
Well, I know already that I'm fat and my face has dropped off.
The whole day was pretending. First my mom who all the sudden was leaving the house as I was. I was boiling over a little, but then I immediately hid it.
On my way to school I put some music to let it out with it. (Bullet for my Valentine, I was mad when I noticed I didn't have any screamo or stuff)
I got to school and sit there as calm as I could. Nnnnah, my friend came and I had to talk. I felt bad to ignore some things she said but I just wanted to be alone.
Then the whole hallway was getting full and we went to an art exhibition as a group.
It was pretty cool there though, I put my bad mood on the side and got a dreamy sleepy mood as seeing surrealistic art. There was one interesting video tape which made me to plan my next story to write. I wrote the ideas down for later (right now I'm too weak for the theme on the story; it will be something about manipulation, self-harm and obsessive love, which makes me think of Twilight actually, but nooo I was thinking something way darker).
I was in a weak mood so I needed to spend some money. I only bought sales though, some clothes I was looking at yesterday.
I got a hoodie (it was kinda cute and nice colors hahaha) 15 e
a vest (looks like leather but surely not) 7 e
a t-shirt (green-black striped) 10 e
Not bad actually. I haven't had money to buy clothes lately..
Next I want two CD's. The newest ones from Dúné and Muse. But I have no money... so maybe library or 4shared.com
Tomorrow school.. I hope that there is at least good packed-food if the lession is gonna be boring. Well, maybe I could buy Coca cola zero tomorrow morning ^^<3
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
A day for failing..
I miss eating sushi :<
And lately my eating habits have been totally messed up. I only ate junk !! An too much comfort food : // The proof is that I tried on very cool jeans today which didn't fit me (my size from last spring..) I couldn' zip them!!
Fail :( well.. the good thing is, there is only one little piece of apple pie in the fridge and I bought my favorite chocolate today which didn't taste good at all and I noticed it was actually already went bad.. no longer fresh !! i was a little mad hahahahaha, how dare they sell quality chocolate in R-kioski for 2 euros and then it's some old crap, wtf!?!
Today school was alright actually. Only thing was that I was exchausted and that I had a bad habit of taking glances on his back, secretly.. I talked to a new girl in my class who seems very nice : ) and we were watching a video about Special Education. There were funny kids on the video : DD
After school I spent some ''quality time'' in a library by myself (being a big nerd surfing in facebook etc : DD) waiting for my friends to get there later. I only got 30minutes there so I tried to go shopping but as I said I lost my appetite for finding a new pair of jeans so I only bought a cute notebook where to write ^^
I thought I would be happy to see my friends for a long time. Actually I was but only the first two minutes.. after that, I wanted to leave. I don't know what's wrong with me.. It just didn't feel good to hang out with them, we have no more things in common and I feel that I'm an outsider who doesn't even wanna be an insider. Another thing that annoys me is that they are so irresponsible. Well, I should have more friends hahaha... Fail..
Since I got home I have been trying to write the final craft of my essay to apply for Universitites.. it's done, finally, but this time it's TOO LONG!! omg.. It was hard enough to write and now I have to take something out.. just.. Im-poss-ible !! :'''z Fail @ everything..
I got my Psychology books today<3 One is slightly horrible 'cos there is not really pictures or colors and it's very tiny print.. Another one is very cool and seems a good book with interesting stuff, yay!
Still.. haven't start my essay for the Special education class.. FAIL ! Well... hopefully tomorrow I will finally get the books from the library.. and just motivated enough to start (it will be night time when I'll have time.. -__- )
Then there is this thing I still didn't figure out. I just hope this one little punk would contact me and that he is not waiting for me to contact. I never call people ! And based to history of couple times.. he doesn't always give an answer to txt messages so I try to avoid that as well.Arrrgh. He's stealing my goodnight sleep.. : //
Tomorrow I hope to go to the movies.. I want to see the newest Harry Potter hahaha!
ps.. I hate blogger when it says that there is soemthing wrong with the html codes.. I'm too lazy to correct it and it's eating my nerves to fix it hundred times :p
And lately my eating habits have been totally messed up. I only ate junk !! An too much comfort food : // The proof is that I tried on very cool jeans today which didn't fit me (my size from last spring..) I couldn' zip them!!
Fail :( well.. the good thing is, there is only one little piece of apple pie in the fridge and I bought my favorite chocolate today which didn't taste good at all and I noticed it was actually already went bad.. no longer fresh !! i was a little mad hahahahaha, how dare they sell quality chocolate in R-kioski for 2 euros and then it's some old crap, wtf!?!
Today school was alright actually. Only thing was that I was exchausted and that I had a bad habit of taking glances on his back, secretly.. I talked to a new girl in my class who seems very nice : ) and we were watching a video about Special Education. There were funny kids on the video : DD
After school I spent some ''quality time'' in a library by myself (being a big nerd surfing in facebook etc : DD) waiting for my friends to get there later. I only got 30minutes there so I tried to go shopping but as I said I lost my appetite for finding a new pair of jeans so I only bought a cute notebook where to write ^^
I thought I would be happy to see my friends for a long time. Actually I was but only the first two minutes.. after that, I wanted to leave. I don't know what's wrong with me.. It just didn't feel good to hang out with them, we have no more things in common and I feel that I'm an outsider who doesn't even wanna be an insider. Another thing that annoys me is that they are so irresponsible. Well, I should have more friends hahaha... Fail..
Since I got home I have been trying to write the final craft of my essay to apply for Universitites.. it's done, finally, but this time it's TOO LONG!! omg.. It was hard enough to write and now I have to take something out.. just.. Im-poss-ible !! :'''z Fail @ everything..
I got my Psychology books today<3 One is slightly horrible 'cos there is not really pictures or colors and it's very tiny print.. Another one is very cool and seems a good book with interesting stuff, yay!
Still.. haven't start my essay for the Special education class.. FAIL ! Well... hopefully tomorrow I will finally get the books from the library.. and just motivated enough to start (it will be night time when I'll have time.. -__- )
Then there is this thing I still didn't figure out. I just hope this one little punk would contact me and that he is not waiting for me to contact. I never call people ! And based to history of couple times.. he doesn't always give an answer to txt messages so I try to avoid that as well.Arrrgh. He's stealing my goodnight sleep.. : //
Tomorrow I hope to go to the movies.. I want to see the newest Harry Potter hahaha!
ps.. I hate blogger when it says that there is soemthing wrong with the html codes.. I'm too lazy to correct it and it's eating my nerves to fix it hundred times :p
clumsy morning, suprising evening
No school today so I took a little job ^^
There was a little girl (5 years old) caught a little cold/cough, staying home from the playschool so I went to take care of her for a day.
First she was very tired (just woke up) then afraid to talk to me (she only nodded/shook her head) so I felt a little frustrated from the inside but made it believable to look calm. I kept talking to her and all the sudden the ice was melted and I was her best friend : DDD And OMG she was cute, big puppy brown eyes ^___^ she somehow remimded me of myself being kid (just what I have seen from the home made movies from my childhood).
The day with her passed very fast especially when we watched Moomins<3 and I learned something new ! I didn't know that there's a Muumipappa's old school friend called 'Hömelö' that exist! :oo hahaahha! And we played domino and I peeled her hot dogs because she didn't want to eat the peel at all (just like me oldtimes!!) Well.. unfortunally I didn't eat the hot dogs myself because I don't eat meat at all ; )
When I left their house, I felt tired for some reason hahaha! Kids.. they have sooooo much energy that they make me jealous! I feel old ! and still so young at the same time..
At the metro station I saw a friend of mine. He walked passed me but didn't notice me. I was about to say hi but since he didn't see me and he was with some girl so I didn't say anything hhahahah.
I got home, ate (starving!!)... a lot. My mom made porridge so I just didn't have a heart to say no! Also apple pie..
And I put a new Marilyn Manson's cd on my computer. Listened to it a bit. I think I still have to listen it more to have an opinion..
Then I stalked one of my friend a little bit (looool, can't help it.. just can't) and noticed something interesting. I'm not sure what to think because I think it's either the best thing ever or the saddest thing ever and I'm trying to handle it now as it even it would be the bad news for me, how could it be good news for me at the same time.. -_- wtf am I saying.. well, just He is about to make my life very hard or make my life the best ever. I can only wait that he will say it more out loud.
It's a little scary.
Tomorrow school.. then shopping/hanging out and more school : DD
how interesting is my life again?!
There was a little girl (5 years old) caught a little cold/cough, staying home from the playschool so I went to take care of her for a day.
First she was very tired (just woke up) then afraid to talk to me (she only nodded/shook her head) so I felt a little frustrated from the inside but made it believable to look calm. I kept talking to her and all the sudden the ice was melted and I was her best friend : DDD And OMG she was cute, big puppy brown eyes ^___^ she somehow remimded me of myself being kid (just what I have seen from the home made movies from my childhood).
The day with her passed very fast especially when we watched Moomins<3 and I learned something new ! I didn't know that there's a Muumipappa's old school friend called 'Hömelö' that exist! :oo hahaahha! And we played domino and I peeled her hot dogs because she didn't want to eat the peel at all (just like me oldtimes!!) Well.. unfortunally I didn't eat the hot dogs myself because I don't eat meat at all ; )
When I left their house, I felt tired for some reason hahaha! Kids.. they have sooooo much energy that they make me jealous! I feel old ! and still so young at the same time..
At the metro station I saw a friend of mine. He walked passed me but didn't notice me. I was about to say hi but since he didn't see me and he was with some girl so I didn't say anything hhahahah.
I got home, ate (starving!!)... a lot. My mom made porridge so I just didn't have a heart to say no! Also apple pie..
And I put a new Marilyn Manson's cd on my computer. Listened to it a bit. I think I still have to listen it more to have an opinion..
Then I stalked one of my friend a little bit (looool, can't help it.. just can't) and noticed something interesting. I'm not sure what to think because I think it's either the best thing ever or the saddest thing ever and I'm trying to handle it now as it even it would be the bad news for me, how could it be good news for me at the same time.. -_- wtf am I saying.. well, just He is about to make my life very hard or make my life the best ever. I can only wait that he will say it more out loud.
It's a little scary.
Tomorrow school.. then shopping/hanging out and more school : DD
how interesting is my life again?!
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
A normal Monday.. bbah.
Todayyy I applied for schools (polytechnics) and fixed my essay a little and finally sent it forward. Yayy, although I really would prefer to enter a University. But it's good to apply.. I can decide about it later, hahaha. Maybe I'll finally end up where I should..
My hair is getting currrrrly and long again<3 I want to keep it long now. I need a new dye!! HOOOOY, the lady who I usually go had an accident so my hair has gotten very nasty and the color greww out :< hopefully next week I will get it done. I love going to a hairdresser<3 Ohhh and wtf, I still have some photoshoot to go to :/ No problem.. I like big cameras (as long as they let me see and delete the pictures they took) just that my skin is not the prettiest right now ! :< I don't know who put those red little freckles on my cheeks.. and they don't go away.. I have to fight arrrghh!!
Something interesting happened in the last couple days. I crashed into a girl who I only know by name. She is a friend of my brothers and I almost said hi but I just kept walking because my stupid legs just decided to go forward.. Well, I went to the dear irc-galleria and found her photos. I looked at her and saw something I see when I look at my own reflection. Next I read her diary, then I read her blog. I have noooo word for the feeling I felt and what was making me keep reading and looking. This girl, I feel like I know her already. But the sad thing I don't :< What would she think if I'd just drop a line to her? Maybe we have a lot in common.. or am I just imagining?
imagining?!
I drank soooo much diet coke today, whoops..
My hair is getting currrrrly and long again<3 I want to keep it long now. I need a new dye!! HOOOOY, the lady who I usually go had an accident so my hair has gotten very nasty and the color greww out :< hopefully next week I will get it done. I love going to a hairdresser<3 Ohhh and wtf, I still have some photoshoot to go to :/ No problem.. I like big cameras (as long as they let me see and delete the pictures they took) just that my skin is not the prettiest right now ! :< I don't know who put those red little freckles on my cheeks.. and they don't go away.. I have to fight arrrghh!!
Something interesting happened in the last couple days. I crashed into a girl who I only know by name. She is a friend of my brothers and I almost said hi but I just kept walking because my stupid legs just decided to go forward.. Well, I went to the dear irc-galleria and found her photos. I looked at her and saw something I see when I look at my own reflection. Next I read her diary, then I read her blog. I have noooo word for the feeling I felt and what was making me keep reading and looking. This girl, I feel like I know her already. But the sad thing I don't :< What would she think if I'd just drop a line to her? Maybe we have a lot in common.. or am I just imagining?
imagining?!
I drank soooo much diet coke today, whoops..
here we go..
Okiess.
This weekend was nothing special. I only happened to drive myself insane, incredibly sad, mentally ill and excited and at the end, quite happy and positive.
Especially one thing lifted me in waaaaaay up but carefully, not there yet..
Then my parents came home and oaaaaah that hit me right on the face. Slammm.
Like living in a cave a year and all the sudden there is a big bunch of people coming in running and making noise like thousands of birds!?
I really have had it.. I see them too often to act friendly anymore. I should move out that I can be myself at home.. and be as much a bitch I ever want, eat what I want as much as I want.
On the top of it, they brought apples and deliciously tasty apple pie that I couldn't help but eating two pieces.. Hahahha, I really had to kick myself for not eating more.
Gladly, my psychology group had a meeting so I was hurrying out of the house. I felt like walking in a bubble the way to the class..
This weekend was nothing special. I only happened to drive myself insane, incredibly sad, mentally ill and excited and at the end, quite happy and positive.
Especially one thing lifted me in waaaaaay up but carefully, not there yet..
Then my parents came home and oaaaaah that hit me right on the face. Slammm.
Like living in a cave a year and all the sudden there is a big bunch of people coming in running and making noise like thousands of birds!?
I really have had it.. I see them too often to act friendly anymore. I should move out that I can be myself at home.. and be as much a bitch I ever want, eat what I want as much as I want.
On the top of it, they brought apples and deliciously tasty apple pie that I couldn't help but eating two pieces.. Hahahha, I really had to kick myself for not eating more.
Gladly, my psychology group had a meeting so I was hurrying out of the house. I felt like walking in a bubble the way to the class..
Monday, September 14, 2009
Hello world
Here I am with this new diary/blog.
I decided to move here from Livejournal since this is just more cute.
I love writing, eventhough I'm not a writer. I'm just a reporter of my own life.
I mostly write about my life, dreams, people I know, silly things, even poems and stories might be published here if I have the courage to share it : DD
Well, my goal is to keep it interesting and I hope there's gonna be some active readers too ^^
I will be as active as I see you are active to read! hahahh
So, please read and comment.
I decided to move here from Livejournal since this is just more cute.
I love writing, eventhough I'm not a writer. I'm just a reporter of my own life.
I mostly write about my life, dreams, people I know, silly things, even poems and stories might be published here if I have the courage to share it : DD
Well, my goal is to keep it interesting and I hope there's gonna be some active readers too ^^
I will be as active as I see you are active to read! hahahh
So, please read and comment.
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