the X-files

I remember having nightmares and how I was so scared I almost fell off the bed when I was five years old. My dad was my hero, he came to calm me down when I cried out loud almost every night.
Still I don't know what was it about. Maybe days were so horrible that I couldn't handle it except in a sleep?! I actually don't remember a lot. I just remember I got a lot of rejection and adults often made me feel like I wasn't good as myself and that I needed to be better in many ways. I was very shy and afraid of a lot of things. Well, go figure why....

So my childhood wasn't easy. I cried so much and remember how I didn't like myself.
I couldn't do a cartwheel like all the other kids could do at my dance class. They still told me I should try out to the other group that train professionals. How ever that hit me and made me even more woundrable. Since that I haven't enjoyed dancing at all.

Since 11-years old I wanted to die. Life just wasn't easy and I felt always that I don't belong anywhere.

Lately..

I've been spending a lot of money. I bought a new cell phone, shoes, two brand new movies and sunglasses. Well, could be worse, but that's still a bit unusual..

Been watching a lot of movies and all kind of crap from the TV that doesn't really move me that much. I just like that I can disappear to somewhere else for a while and just watch something that has nothing to do with me.
Also I've been reading a lot of books.

I haven't seen any of my friends or anyone lately. Only family. I don't even miss my friends really, because I think most of them are bunch of liars who don't really care a shit.

I feel like I got this sickness again. I call it spiritually paralyzed. So that's what I'm right now.. I feel like doing a lot of things and living my life for the fullest and long for some happy moments and company... but I really cannot do anything. I feel like if I try, it all goes wrong and that I will just fall on my face.

Maybe I'm facing the fear of losing again, because I know that I don't really wanna meet new people in case I would begin to like them so much that it would be hard and even more a pity to say goodbye at the end of summer.

Also my old friends, they might think I've left already and don't want to spend time with me because they feel I will be gone anyways. Well I think thats so wrong...
If someone would be leaving soon, I would just want to double my time with that person so that I would have wonderful memories when the person is gone.

Well, people are mostly very selfish and don't take things as seriously as I might take them. Sometimes I wish I could be that way.. I always have something to worry about, even though I shouldnt have.

Anyways, I'm not feeling so well but cannot change it so therefore I will just be and hope that my new life will start oneday.

So long,

Take care.

Where is the girl I adore..

Do you still feel Him
calling in the air tonight
do you still feel Him

Seems like you've done this before
You make breaking hearts look so easy
Seems like you've done this before
You've got breaking hearts all but down
have you done this, you've done this before
You make stealing hearts look so easy
Where is the girl I adore

Do you collect the souls you've lost
in the top of your dresser drawer
Count the number of tears displaced
on lonely bedroom floors
A machine where your heart once was
slowly takes the place of you
Only hold the memories now
of the love I thought I knew

- - - - - - - -

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night.
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind.
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in & out of my life?

- - - - - - - -

What now...

I'm not sure how to handle things anymore.
Things are getting out of control, just before I thought that everything is gonna be fine. I felt good couple days ago, I was smiling and shining when I walked around the streets..

Well, now I got lazy and unhappy again. But still, when I think of it, NO PAIN NO GAIN.

So I bet I can handle this as well :] just now it takes a hell out of me, but soon....


I'll be happy again.

I just need three things: 1] new cell phone 2] new shoes 3] warm weather

So that's not a lot ! Especially... in the case that I'm going shopping tomorrow.

Hell is breaking...

As always, this is not gonna be something nice. I will just try to keep myself sane by writing about it.

So I invited couple of friends to celebrate Valentine's day or something like that and the person I really wanted to come, well obviously, he didn't come. I really hate that when I do some effort and try my best and then people don't appreciate anything...
Well it was nice to see two of my friends, until... the another one's new girlfriend arrives...
Well I just have to say that the girl was just amazingly annoying.... well I don't want to say that she is horrible or whatever because it just makes me look like jealous person but whatever I really wanted just leave very soon. Hehhe, I have to say that probably the main reason why she was so annoying is just that the fact that she is couple years younger than all of us so she is just still a teenager so in another words.. pain in the ass.
Writing this makes me feel like a super adult now : D Well, at least I can behave and appreciate people around me and not being so self-centered.... OMG.

So yeahhhhhh I really can't stand it when people who are dating are all the time all over each other. I mean it's okay to kiss and stuff but not all the time and in front of other people's eyes. At least I don't like doing that... and even more, I really don't want to see that.. So I had to say; ''Get a room you two'' for couple times as a joke. Well for me it wasn't a joke at all, I just didn't want to be rude.

But I'm very sick of being nice to everyone..... but I guess it's just me and that in some level I feel like that by being nice I make people like me more. I guess it's true, but so often I feel like I'm being used and just that all my goodness for other people just goes into waste.
Because I still feel that I'm so much better than many of my friends. Because actually, I can't really say they are my friends. They are just a bunch of assholes....... who only care about themselves.
So now I'm thinking to say goodbye to one or two of my friends again. I just hate the feeling that they are just playing behind my back and just acting nice. To tell the truth, they really don't care about me at all. And I need to feel that I'm appreciated because I really appreciate them. They just don't deserve it...
So I guess it's saying goodbye to a one of my oldest friend and one that I really liked once.
It's kinda sad but I really am rather by myself than with someone that I cannot trust or who doesn't care a shit about me. So　さようなら。

HMMPH.

I'm sick of the fact that lately I've been so mysterious and kept into myself so that other people have no idea what's going on...

There are not so many things that make me smile anymore. Everything just sucks..

And because everything suck, I love to cry in the shower so that no one can hear me..

I know this is not who I am and that normally I would just kick my ver own ass and just keep my head up high...

...keep smiling
keep going
...keep shining

but this is not the time for it.

I need to fix things one by one.

longing.

This week's key word is LONGING.

Longing to be with you..

Since couple days, I have been reading a good book. I will finish it today, since it's quite good.

A second ago, I found a page that had very much to say about the feeling I have right now...:

''I have learned what it means when you miss someone. I have learned to know the feeling of emptiness and the longing, and I can sense both of them around me strongly around me.

I have discovered how long and silent the nights actually are.

He was in my life only a short period of time. Our friendship was only a little breath in a history of humankind. Both of us are still gonna meet so many people in ours lives that our meeting is gonna be only one out of hundreds of all meetings. What we once talked about is not gonna be anything to remember after ten years. We will hardly remember each other after couple of years have passed.

Still, right now, I miss him so much that I never knew that would be even possible. I miss him when I'm awake and in my dreams I meet him again. In a morning when I wake up, I wish I wouldn't have to open my eyes. Why do I have to give him up?

I thought I wouldn't miss him. I thought that I could easily forget his warm brown eyes. I thought I could stop thinking about his voice and words and his thoughts.

I just realized that I was so wrong.''

I'm too depressed, too go on

Oaahhhh, *sighhhhhhhh*......



Why-oh-why everything seems so impossible right now ?

I feel like I have lost my ability to do ANYTHING.
I mean, just easy little things seem impossible.
Like, getting up in the mornings.

What the hell is wrong with me ?
I feel like crying but just can't.


This morning I went to a school I applied. Already yesterday and the day before that I realized writing my essay that I actually don't even want to get in there.
Why am I applying there then? Well it's good to be in a school and I thought it would be ok for me to start with since University seems like a fucked-up-dream nowadays.

But yeahh, I know what I want and can't get it so it feels very frustrating to trying to get something that I don't even want. WELLLL, I had a bad feeling about going to this school this morning, I knew it and almost turned back.

Actually I did, after seeing this fucking exam there.
I didn't even read the book the questions were from. What the fuck ? Well, you can tell I wasn't actually so into this thing, yeahh.
So I skipped the whole interview thing and went to school.

It was even worse there. I totally felt like a ghost wrapped in a cloth that didn't let me breathe through. What_is_this ? Well I spent my extra time on the computer and then went to eat when I saw some of my classmates going too.
I got to a table and saw him on the other side of the hall. He actually looked at me.. I quickly looked away.
how embarrassing this can get.....

He is something I can never get.
But I love his laugh.... he was laughing today so much that it made me bleed inside. I'm dreaming for the moment we could laugh together. So sad that's never gonna happen.
I'm just nothing he likes. How could he ever even talk to me? I cannot do anything right.
Yhyyyyyyy..
He doesn't even know that I exist.

I feel like this night is gonna be cry-cry. I feel like crying and I can only do it in the dark, facing my pillow.


I feel so fucking fat !
and very ugly
Stupid as hell
So fucking weak
...and ridiculous.




pssst. I'm so glad I will go to the doctor next Monday. Maybe she should rewrite a description I used to have. That would be my heaven and hell.

A disaster

今日､　まるでぶたみたいにたくさん　食べました

＞'':

I'm so angry at myself.
Enough said.
To punish myself I have to clean my room

right now!

Victim of the city

A part of me wants to fall,

Another part wants to keep doing alright.

What a mess

. . .



He is filling my head. Every minute and second. I actually only live for him.
This is just ridiculous. Why am I such a loser ?

My diet is failing. Makes me feel mad but I just have to take care of my skin right now.
Next thing is to keep up with school. After that I can think about my diet again. Grrrrrr!

Back to him.
Ugh...
He really is killing me and at the same time my only reason to live.

I'm only alive as long as I can love him. Then again.. I have to think, is it really love? Well, I'm not sure but I'm dying to see him again.
He is causing me pain but he is the one that could ever make me happy. As long as I love him, it doesn't even mean that he has to love me. Just to be with me would make me happy.

I was about to ask him to hang out with me but on the another hand, I don't want him to see me as I am right now. I feel ugly.. and probably I wouldn't act myself.
Or.. maybe I'm just afraid and want that he would ask me to hang out...

Oh crap, why does it has to be like that ? When I have a chance, I won't use it and when I don't, then I would be ready to go for it ?

onetwothreefour

Haven't written for a while, I just didn't feel like it.

I have been down, very down lately. Too tired to do anything, also found that nothing is exchiting enough to actually do.. I also skipped school, so bad bad..

Load of work and it's GROWING all the time. It made me feel worse but now I decided that fuck that, I will take my holiday first ahahahaha. omg, this is really gonna be a trouble less than in a week
About GROWING.. I could also mention my ass, thighs and belly ... or as it feels. Shit, is that fucking scale lying to me ? It says that I had lost 2 kilos, yeah right what the hell.....

Yesterday and today
I went to 'Crazy Days', a big (and really crazy) sale in Stockmann.
I found some cool stuff (like I always do):

- black gardigan/sweater with buttons 10e
- black/dark jeans 20e
- dark blue zebra-striped hoodie 20e
- tiny and light purple umbrella a 6e
- dark blue normal long-sleeve shirt 6e

- a clock on my wall! It's silver and pretty, has diamonds hahah 20e
- Kiki's delivery service DVD 5e
- Twilight DVD 13e

YAHOOOO! I love stuff like that hahahaha. New clothes<3 And I was with my mom who is the best so she bought them for me<3

Tonight I have to do a little boring paper for school. Hmmm, since I got a book for it and it's gonna be graded as passed/failed...
and it's something about the law...
I'm not gonna spend too much time on it.

OAAAAH now I'm getting so hungry... we bought fish<3
FOOOOOD, NOW!

Ohh, I actually stopped eating wheat products. I eat less carbohydrates as well as sugar (eventhough that seems impossible since I'm a sugarmouse)
and today I cut coffee also :/ (which made me angry and sleepy all morning..)
Why? Simply because my skin has gotten so so so amazingly bad that I'm getting concerned..

I feel so ugly.. :''''<

Deal with it.

It's about the time.

My whole life I have been denying some truths. It's very easy, I just make myself believe that they are not true and then they really are not.

For example, I'm not getting any skinnier, my jeans are just getting loose.

He didn't answer my message because he doesn't want to see me.

My ex never loved me, he just didn't want to be alone so he wanted to be with me.

There were not too many applicants applying for schools, it was just I didn't get accepted because I was not good enough.

My mom doesn't want to understand me because she doesn't care about me.

That guy just didn't smile for me, probably for someone behind me.

Me doing a right thing in my life is always the opposite for me. I didn't do anything, it was someone else or I should have done that instead of that.. I could have done better, it's not enough.

(A)nger (B)oredom (C)areless

Why every time I look at the mirror I see some expressionless, bad living, fat and a lifeless girl. She looks like she has lost her life somewhere long time ago!
Well, that's me.

This morning anger hit me. All the sudden I just got angry! I probably was thinkin' about him and that made me breathe some bad air and my brain got overheated. I really wanted to kick something but I couldn't. I'm glad I didn't make a sound, only inside I was screaming from the top of my lungs.
There must be something wrong with me.
Well, I know already that I'm fat and my face has dropped off.

The whole day was pretending. First my mom who all the sudden was leaving the house as I was. I was boiling over a little, but then I immediately hid it.
On my way to school I put some music to let it out with it. (Bullet for my Valentine, I was mad when I noticed I didn't have any screamo or stuff)
I got to school and sit there as calm as I could. Nnnnah, my friend came and I had to talk. I felt bad to ignore some things she said but I just wanted to be alone.
Then the whole hallway was getting full and we went to an art exhibition as a group.

It was pretty cool there though, I put my bad mood on the side and got a dreamy sleepy mood as seeing surrealistic art. There was one interesting video tape which made me to plan my next story to write. I wrote the ideas down for later (right now I'm too weak for the theme on the story; it will be something about manipulation, self-harm and obsessive love, which makes me think of Twilight actually, but nooo I was thinking something way darker).

I was in a weak mood so I needed to spend some money. I only bought sales though, some clothes I was looking at yesterday.
I got a hoodie (it was kinda cute and nice colors hahaha) 15 e
a vest (looks like leather but surely not) 7 e
a t-shirt (green-black striped) 10 e
Not bad actually. I haven't had money to buy clothes lately..

Next I want two CD's. The newest ones from Dúné and Muse. But I have no money... so maybe library or 4shared.com

Tomorrow school.. I hope that there is at least good packed-food if the lession is gonna be boring. Well, maybe I could buy Coca cola zero tomorrow morning ^^<3