Sorry seems to be the hardest word

I'm so sorry I didn't trust you enough, all those situations when I doubt you.
I feel like I should have told you how much you meant to me...
I'm sorry how much I really expected from you.
I'm sorry I lied to you... and teased you by not answering my phone and ignoring some of your messages. But you did that to... just ignored me once in a while.

So I started to play your game.... and I just hurt myself. Maybe you liked it, at least it looked like that.

I still don't know the truth. I think we just couldnt make it work and either one of us didn't want to give up the game. But I really hope that I would have just lose to you, because I feel much more loser now...

I really want you back..

I know I will never be able to say this to him so therefore I just wrote it.

Lately..

I've been spending a lot of money. I bought a new cell phone, shoes, two brand new movies and sunglasses. Well, could be worse, but that's still a bit unusual..

Been watching a lot of movies and all kind of crap from the TV that doesn't really move me that much. I just like that I can disappear to somewhere else for a while and just watch something that has nothing to do with me.
Also I've been reading a lot of books.

I haven't seen any of my friends or anyone lately. Only family. I don't even miss my friends really, because I think most of them are bunch of liars who don't really care a shit.

I feel like I got this sickness again. I call it spiritually paralyzed. So that's what I'm right now.. I feel like doing a lot of things and living my life for the fullest and long for some happy moments and company... but I really cannot do anything. I feel like if I try, it all goes wrong and that I will just fall on my face.

Maybe I'm facing the fear of losing again, because I know that I don't really wanna meet new people in case I would begin to like them so much that it would be hard and even more a pity to say goodbye at the end of summer.

Also my old friends, they might think I've left already and don't want to spend time with me because they feel I will be gone anyways. Well I think thats so wrong...
If someone would be leaving soon, I would just want to double my time with that person so that I would have wonderful memories when the person is gone.

Well, people are mostly very selfish and don't take things as seriously as I might take them. Sometimes I wish I could be that way.. I always have something to worry about, even though I shouldnt have.

Anyways, I'm not feeling so well but cannot change it so therefore I will just be and hope that my new life will start oneday.

So long,

Take care.