Stay sane..

[I made a new blog, but I'm keeping this one as well, to myself.

This is more deeper, I can write anything and shake my shoulders free.

This is the therapy blog, I guess. Another one is the more interesting one, a happy one. The surface.]

What I wanted to write here is that I feel so f****' confused right now.

I met a guy and I fell in love with him... then I'm gone and things get complicated. I live far away.. and I'm not sure if I can deal with this long-distance relationship... and all this heartache it costs me.

Although, I try to keep it up but keep my head cool anyways. He is far away so I have my own life... but still of course, I will talk to him. If everything goes good, maybe I can handle all this.

I'm gonna start a new life anyways. I will step out of my comfort zone and get a fresh start. I just hope I don't blow it off immediately... I'm feeling that something very crazy is gonna happen very soon... I can just beg myself so that I can keep myself in control.

It's gonna be partying... meeting new people and start a newlife in a new city.

Please, let me stay sane..

どうするの?

Σ΄αγαπώ....
사랑해...
Seni seviyorum...
я тебя люблю...
我愛你...
Mahal kita...
Em yêu anh...
Te amo...
Ma armastan sind...
אני אוהבת אותך...
Jag älskar dig...
Ah loove ye...
Ich liebe Dich...
Ti amo...
Rakastan sinua...
愛してる...
Je t'aime...
I love you.


I've loved him for more than a year already.,.,.,.,

Always wish to see him and talk to him see his smile and hear his voice

I'm not sure what should I do.

Somehow he is special to me.

They left me all alone.
Everyone.......

//''There is so much I want to tell you.

There is so much I want to hear.

But, if after learning everything, our love breaks........

Then, I'd rather be as I am now.''

...

''You can't put your true feelings into words.

I can't express my important feelings.

If the two of us could exchange the feelings in our hearts.........''

''What is the boundary between being friends and being lovers?
Perhaps you'll only find out once you've crossed it..''

I believe in you.

''We meet, come to know each other, fall in love and part right after. This is how many sad stories evolve.'' -Samuel Taylor Coleridge

''In love there is only one law: to make your love happy.'' -Stendhal

''When two people cry together for the first time, they understand how much they love each other.'' -Emile Deschamps

''Love is a sacred madness.'' -Renaissance proverb

''The moment one begins to love another, is when life really starts.'' -Scuderi

A little story

This was something that I wrote. Just fiction. It hit me today and I had a flashback.


''I told her a lie.

It made her feel sad and betrayed, but when time passed by every day I felt even more miserable and couldn't think what to do. So I lied to her. It was the easiest thing to do and because she was somewhere far away, I didn't have to see her face or even look at her. I postponed my sorrow and agony, at that moment I didn't feel nothing. Not even her pain and I couldn't think about her tears. I concentrated totally to the thought to keep my strenght and my power over her.

She lost her faith in me and still today, I haven't got it back. I know that I don't deserve it back, but at the same time I'm angry at myself for letting her down and even more, telling her things that were horrible lies. Just to save her and save myself (I thought..)

But she still doesn't know the truth, and some of these days, I'm not sure if I know either. I hid my feelings so well that I made myself to believe my own lies. But the truth is, I was only hiding. I was scared and couldn't handle with the truth that I really was feeling what I felt. I wanted to make things simple, to make my life easy and clear. Go straight forwardly...

But my feelings, still haven't change and as much as it kills me to see that you lost your faith in me.... I still can't tell you the truth. Even though this all theater kills me.

I love her more than she can ever know.''

Taste in men

Just for fun,

I made a little list hahaha..!

1. Guys with brown eyes and light brown/dark hair

2. Those with a nice clothing style, those who just want to look good, or cool.

3. Silent and mysterious type, so that you can see it from the outside. Still, with a smile. (Those who really hate themselves or are just too weak to be a man, they just make me feel miserable..)

4. Natural curly hair ! Not too wild though..

5. Those who look like their interesting personality, stand from the crowd.

~~~~Also I like a lot ASIAN GUYS!

Love.me.

It's funny how we always miss something when it's already gone.

I can still remember how my ex-boyfriend used to be so obsessedly keen in me and he always had to know everything (when he was over, he almost opened my closets to see what I have in there..) and always wanted to search everything through. When I got a text msg, he wanted to read it. He always knew where I was and what was I doing pretty much.

That made me feel like suffocated and that I had no private life. Well af course, I still did things that he never knew but obviously, he got mad or sad if I was hiding something and he knew about it.

We were just too close and intense. He held me too tight, I died in his arms pretty much.. so suffocated and drowned I felt.

Now I'm just alone. I miss him like hell. I would give anything to have those days back now, or just keep him for a little while. Making me feel important and loved.

But I don't love him like he loves me. It would be like braking the balance.

Now I just feel so alone and that everyday is just a waste of make up and... worthless.

I'm such a lover. I need someone to dream about and someone to love, always.

Well I have someone, it's just the thing that he already has someone.

So I love him, but he doesn't love me back.

Just like my friend loves me but I don't love her.

Just like I love her but she loves someone else.

Feels like it all goes wrong and that it's all worthless.

It's just a lot of love.

And love makes the world go around.

Please, love me.

Bring me back to life again.

　　　私を　愛して　ください。

　　　

Aime moi

I'm asking....

What is the point in DATING someone, if you never see each other ?

When I date someone, I want to meet almost everyday!

Not everyday because it will get boring so quickly, but definitely not just once or twice a month. That's just fooling youselves...

It's a different story though if the two live in another countries or just far away because of some big reasons or temporarily... Because that's true love.

Hmmm?

I'm back in business.


And I'm angry at myself. Just because, it seems like I have nothing interesting in my life right now. I have no idea when I quit living my life, but it seems like everytime I try to make plans and change things - in other words; try LIVING instead - everything goes wrong.

Lately I was searching a job. I found one and it seemed like bad idea but I decided to give it a try and I wouldn't say I hate it, it's actually my all life right now so I should not complain.
I get to be with kids and take care of them. In the daycare center where I work, there are so sweet kids. Of course, all of them are not as sweet and need some special attention or just cause problems more.. but I still love them all.
My favorites are girl twins who are just so adorable. They are not even three year-olds yet but they can do so many things already by themselves. And they are so beautiful<3 One of them I usually hold in my arms because she likes to be hold and she has this demanding desperate look in her eyes when she raises her arms to jump on my shoulders. She sometimes wakes up while daydreaming and then she just cries and in the bad case; wakes everyone up. Then I just take her and carry her and do her hair.
Her twin sis is also soooo cute, but she is more independent and happier. She usually smiles at me. And lately I've been noticed that I'm pretty much the only one who can recognize them, which one is which.

Then there is this another girl who is about the same age as the twins but she needs me all the time. She is so clingy and follows me all the time. She starts to cry if she sees me leaving... or realizes that I'm gone. It's kinda sweet to be that important to someone, but I really can't stand that all the time because I have to always be next to her like there would be some invinsible link between us. Last time when she was taking a nap like little kids do during the daytime, she was checking at me all the time and wanted to hold my hand. She was cute when she fallen into sleep and suddenly didn't hold my hand so tightly anymore. I almost fallen into sleep myself too....

Yeah, those kids are pretty much all that I have in my life hahaha. And sometimes they really drive me crazy... but it seems pretty important that I'm there.

I just hate myself for having no life and just going to work and never see my friends and just hanging out by myself. I should go and party, see my friends, meet guys and travel and see the world. Even spending time with my family, but seems like they are all so busy and don't have time for me.
Just the thing is, I have no friends to travel with. And chances to meet guys are not that common. Or maybe the thing is that nobody is like him...

Also, I got this job offer for working as an au pair in a family in New York. I almost bought the flight tickets immediately but then my parents talked me over and told me not to go. So that's it, destroying my another dream just like that.
How did I gave up so easily? Well, I have no idea...

I just feel so pathetic...

longing.

This week's key word is LONGING.

Longing to be with you..

Since couple days, I have been reading a good book. I will finish it today, since it's quite good.

A second ago, I found a page that had very much to say about the feeling I have right now...:

''I have learned what it means when you miss someone. I have learned to know the feeling of emptiness and the longing, and I can sense both of them around me strongly around me.

I have discovered how long and silent the nights actually are.

He was in my life only a short period of time. Our friendship was only a little breath in a history of humankind. Both of us are still gonna meet so many people in ours lives that our meeting is gonna be only one out of hundreds of all meetings. What we once talked about is not gonna be anything to remember after ten years. We will hardly remember each other after couple of years have passed.

Still, right now, I miss him so much that I never knew that would be even possible. I miss him when I'm awake and in my dreams I meet him again. In a morning when I wake up, I wish I wouldn't have to open my eyes. Why do I have to give him up?

I thought I wouldn't miss him. I thought that I could easily forget his warm brown eyes. I thought I could stop thinking about his voice and words and his thoughts.

I just realized that I was so wrong.''

I don't know

I don't know what's happening.

Maybe nothing and then I just want to mess things up that something would happen.

I know, because I always seem to mess everything up.

---------------

You kept me alive,

Until I wanted to die

So I kicked you out of my life

---------------

It hurts to see

I'm not good enough

that I'm the second one

I gave up on him.

That's what I did.

He thinks that I'm not good enough for him.

Well, as you know... he is so wrong! I'M TOO GOOD FOR HIM.

So I'll just let him fall down

... and disappear.

Sometime I must wonder... does he even existed?

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA!

PS. I _already_ feel so much better without him

no title.

Last Sunday I went to Placebo's concert ^^

It was awesome ! I cannot put it to words.

I had this smile on my face when I saw my man there singing and playing his guitar ^^

luvvvv.

He is so beautiful..

I wish I could be so beautiful.

--------------------------------------------------

Today was busy

(I got horrible headache couple times..)

First I almost couldn't get up. My dad was making noise and I got curious so I did wake up anyways.

I ate and as soon as I got read two pages of this little-print-no-pictures psych-book, I was soon in a sleep again -__-

I didn't get myself up until my mom called me to eat soup.

After that I went to Itäkeskus. I went to do some runnings and we went to a visit with our class. THE TATTOO GUY!! I saw him too : ) and it saved my day to see him.

it also ruined tings too... He has been in my mind since. I even googled his name !!

Then got home and had so horrible head ache that I almost skipped my japanese lesson.

Glad I didn't though, next week I cannot make it I realized.

I just hate it when I go there and my teacher tells us about Japan and I'm just thinking why the hell I cannot go there and see some new places with someone ?

Well, what ever. I cannot wait for Christmas. I even baked ginger bread on Monday! (Almost ate it all already..)

Also, I found my old candles from last years. They smell melon (green) & strawberry (red).

Just.. I'm glad I don't have to buy so many presents this year, since I have no friends to buy them.

I will buy for my girl

for my sweet cat ^^

and for my family members

+ (also those living abroad)

and have to buy Christmas cards btw! Just some ^^

I wish I could go back in time.

I wish I could go back in time, the time she was mine.

Yhyy. I miss being with her so much..

I feel absolutely great aroung her.

Still I wish things could be the same...

I wish she would be the same

and me too.

the OLD TIMES!

How nostalgic can I ever get ?

Smells like trouble here

A lot of things happened today ! *___*

I visited a childcare place with my school group. It was a little boring, but I got to see the tattoo guy once again ^^ yay, I actually noticed a lot of new things about him today.

One thing for example... how the hell he is so cute ? ---- OOOPS, Am I getting a new crush? WHAT? Nono, I couldn't bare. One is enough.. I think. But this one, he plays guitar and sings in a band ! Is that hot or what?

And then... WTF !! I saw him today! We actually talked because he seemed to be in no hurry and I was just curious to stop. Haven't talk face to face in months so I totally was out of my mind....

I went to library, home. I ate tons of ice cream and watched a movie called The orther Boleyn girl which has gorgeous Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansson. Well, Eric Bana is ok too : D

I got some progress with some school stuff. yay... Still I feel like I'm a lot behind.

AND, the most important at all.......

I'm starting my diet again. This time it gonna be:
a light breakfast + vitamins, one-two piece of bread and fruits/vegetables and that's all for a day. About 500kcals a day.

Just home my folks don't notice anything and that I can keep myself busy and happy enough to do this. Oh and I also would need to work on my motivation.. seems like it got lost somewhere a while ago.. Wish me luck!

Victim of the city

A part of me wants to fall,

Another part wants to keep doing alright.

What a mess

. . .



He is filling my head. Every minute and second. I actually only live for him.
This is just ridiculous. Why am I such a loser ?

My diet is failing. Makes me feel mad but I just have to take care of my skin right now.
Next thing is to keep up with school. After that I can think about my diet again. Grrrrrr!

Back to him.
Ugh...
He really is killing me and at the same time my only reason to live.

I'm only alive as long as I can love him. Then again.. I have to think, is it really love? Well, I'm not sure but I'm dying to see him again.
He is causing me pain but he is the one that could ever make me happy. As long as I love him, it doesn't even mean that he has to love me. Just to be with me would make me happy.

I was about to ask him to hang out with me but on the another hand, I don't want him to see me as I am right now. I feel ugly.. and probably I wouldn't act myself.
Or.. maybe I'm just afraid and want that he would ask me to hang out...

Oh crap, why does it has to be like that ? When I have a chance, I won't use it and when I don't, then I would be ready to go for it ?

wondering

Whoa.

Not sure how i'M FEELING.

it's him. again.. Yes, my little world is moving around him and he probably doesn't even know it. A part of me still wants to believe that he might think of me here and then but let's get real, probably not.
But I know he is thinking someone.. seems like he is in love ! Just maybe.. I should not think about it. Whoever the girl is, I.....
whatever. I'm tired of this.
No way, I think I should now let it out what I think.

I have this HUGE crush in him. Had it since... hmm, from last spring? yeap.
Actually, he filled my head before I broke up with my ex. That's why I broke up with him actually.
Just one thing that makes me wonder is the way he is acting so fucking cold-hearted. I wanted to believe he is not, but it's actually very hard to really see some evidence for that.
But when I was alone with him, he was really nice and and always made me laugh and asked questions. He even teased me a lot. Still he was very spiky with his words sometimes.
He met my parents (accidentally) when we were chilling in a park and visited my house one weekend. I went to movies with him and we had good conversations... he always seemed to have fun with me....... and we were much alike it seemed.

I miss him. We only met once during summer.
For some reason, I'm running away from him. Probably because I can tell that he doesn't give a shit for me..
Still, he is in my head a lot.
At times, I feel like talking to him (sometimes he doesn't reply my txts). But I know that I should not.
I don't know what the hell he wants..
But I should keep myself out.
The only thing is that he has already destroyed me.....

I think I will go for girls from now on