Stay sane..

[I made a new blog, but I'm keeping this one as well, to myself.

This is more deeper, I can write anything and shake my shoulders free.

This is the therapy blog, I guess. Another one is the more interesting one, a happy one. The surface.]

What I wanted to write here is that I feel so f****' confused right now.

I met a guy and I fell in love with him... then I'm gone and things get complicated. I live far away.. and I'm not sure if I can deal with this long-distance relationship... and all this heartache it costs me.

Although, I try to keep it up but keep my head cool anyways. He is far away so I have my own life... but still of course, I will talk to him. If everything goes good, maybe I can handle all this.

I'm gonna start a new life anyways. I will step out of my comfort zone and get a fresh start. I just hope I don't blow it off immediately... I'm feeling that something very crazy is gonna happen very soon... I can just beg myself so that I can keep myself in control.

It's gonna be partying... meeting new people and start a newlife in a new city.

Please, let me stay sane..

Sweet times, a bitter end

Hellohey, I've been busy these couple weeks.

It's been great to show around Helsinki and Finland with Yuuki! We also went to our cottage; fishing, rowing a boat and picking up blueberries from the island on a lake. Yesterday we went to Linnanmäki amusement park and the day before we visited Suomenlinna. He is a great guy!! Just too bad he is younger than me..

We have done so much here, the best was probably last week when we went to a forest in a middle of the night to see shooting stars!! I loved it and I saw so many!
I've been feeling very good and even hyper. Also, I have learned Japanese and a lot about Japanese culture. I'm gonna be very sad when he goes home the day after tomorrow..byaaa-

Today we are gonna make sushi!
Also, I finally get my lovely cat back today.

Mata neeee~

Around Helsinki

I've been playing a tourist guide and showing around Helsinki to a French girl. She is great! And we have had so much fun together! I really like her.
She is also learning Finnish so I do my best to help her. We have been to Suomenlinna, Korkeasaari (zoo), Helsinki churches and went to a beach today. Tomorrow we will be visiting a garden and the stone church.
Also, of course shopping!

just.. one another day I also met my friend.. It was fun with him!
Although now he doesn't answer my messages so I'm afraid he is mad at me.
I'm gonna lose him too.

Well, at least it's gonna be f*cking easy to leave this country on the day when I go. I'm not gonna miss people anymore and No one is gonna miss me. So happy end I guess......

!!

I really hate people right now.......

My so called 'friend' has been treating me like a shit everytime she is dating someone. She always cancels our meetings and drangs her dates with us.. I really can't stand it but i don't wanna lose her though because I really don't have many friends. And I always pretend that I don't care and that it doesn't hurt me when she cancels...
Although now I told her how I feel and she is just saing she is sorry but you know what*? I think I really are not gonna see her that much anymore... If she wants me around, she will show it to me. I will make her beg !

Other people then... they are just being mean to me or like teasing me with their stupid jokes that I really don't want to hear.
I might be sensitive but for someone who is sensitive himself shouldn't be saying those things to me because he should know how they hurt !

So is it any surprise that I'm all alone? guess not because everyone is just being an asshole and doesnt really care about me at all.

Those two that are the closest ones for me, make me feel like shit all the time. It really doesnt help me...

どうするの?

Σ΄αγαπώ....
사랑해...
Seni seviyorum...
я тебя люблю...
我愛你...
Mahal kita...
Em yêu anh...
Te amo...
Ma armastan sind...
אני אוהבת אותך...
Jag älskar dig...
Ah loove ye...
Ich liebe Dich...
Ti amo...
Rakastan sinua...
愛してる...
Je t'aime...
I love you.


I've loved him for more than a year already.,.,.,.,

Always wish to see him and talk to him see his smile and hear his voice

I'm not sure what should I do.

Somehow he is special to me.

Songs I like to sing.

Just listed a of couple songs I like to sing. Although I rarely sing in company..

- Keane feat K'naan: Stop for a minute
- Paramore: The only exception
- Three days grace: Never too late
- Evanescence: My immortal
- Evanescence: Bring me to life
- My chemical romance: Helena

Greek adventure

I had a great and amazing trip to Greece. I enjoyed it for 11 days.

I met some amazing people, went to some beautiful places and swam in the crystal clear blue water !
Although sun turned out to be my enemy when I burn my skin and got sick for one day for not drinking enough water..
So people, please drink water as much as you can!!

I also visited Crete island, there was a very mysterious and fantastic cave ! It was something I will always remember.. and I love caves hahah.

In Athens I saw some very cool anthic temples and other buildings, most of them pretty much broken through the years. It smelled like interesting history, yay!

WOW.

How much memories a photo can refresh ^^ loving it!!

Well,, there is a reason why I love America so much, eventhough the country isn't so great itself. It just happens to be that my happiest living time was there. All the golden memories... and from the pictures I can see that i was never that happy in my life....

Sorry seems to be the hardest word

I'm so sorry I didn't trust you enough, all those situations when I doubt you.
I feel like I should have told you how much you meant to me...
I'm sorry how much I really expected from you.
I'm sorry I lied to you... and teased you by not answering my phone and ignoring some of your messages. But you did that to... just ignored me once in a while.

So I started to play your game.... and I just hurt myself. Maybe you liked it, at least it looked like that.

I still don't know the truth. I think we just couldnt make it work and either one of us didn't want to give up the game. But I really hope that I would have just lose to you, because I feel much more loser now...

I really want you back..

I know I will never be able to say this to him so therefore I just wrote it.

the X-files

I remember having nightmares and how I was so scared I almost fell off the bed when I was five years old. My dad was my hero, he came to calm me down when I cried out loud almost every night.
Still I don't know what was it about. Maybe days were so horrible that I couldn't handle it except in a sleep?! I actually don't remember a lot. I just remember I got a lot of rejection and adults often made me feel like I wasn't good as myself and that I needed to be better in many ways. I was very shy and afraid of a lot of things. Well, go figure why....

So my childhood wasn't easy. I cried so much and remember how I didn't like myself.
I couldn't do a cartwheel like all the other kids could do at my dance class. They still told me I should try out to the other group that train professionals. How ever that hit me and made me even more woundrable. Since that I haven't enjoyed dancing at all.

Since 11-years old I wanted to die. Life just wasn't easy and I felt always that I don't belong anywhere.

The sadest song I know...

A fine Frenzy - Almost lover

Is this summer?!

It's still kind of cold outside.. and has been most of the time this month. Looks like this is a crappy summer.. weather is bad and I have no one nice person to hang around with.

Last couple weeks nothing has really happened. I went to x-ray my knee, my friend had a graduation party in a restaurant, I bought a dress to take with me to Greece and I went to see a movie with my mom. I hope this is not what it's gonna be the whole time until my life restarts in September...

Well, I'm glad to visit Greece in two weeks, right after Midsummer. I will meet some Greek people as well, so it's gonna be fun and a lot of sunshine.

Ohhh I forgot to mention I met a new friend, T. She studies in the University I will be attending so I was so glad to met her and ask all those questions hhahaha. It's great to know her!!

I already booked the flight tickets to Scotland ^^ I'm so happy about that! And for sure, can't wait!!!

Until that, I will continue my passive living through books, magazines, computer games, movies and internet.. bbbah -____-

Puzzzle

On Saturday I watched The Eurovision Songcast 2010, something I usually like to do every year.

It was very tough this year I think, I liked the winner song and the sweet Lena but still there were many other songs also that would have deserved a victory as well. Well, unfortunately only one can win.

I'm not sure how I got suddenly some virus in my through or what but it has been very sore couple last days.. I hope tomorrow I can wake up and be finally happy with it !

For some reason about twice a year I always happen to catch this cactus in my throat...

What ever, I tried today again to create a new recipe for homemade bread but hahahha maybe I started to early and was too tired or something so they didn't turn out so well but anyhow I know now what ingredients to change next time. And they were ok enough.. hahah

I'm glad it's gonna be warmer soon again. I like hot weather!! And as my friend will graduate this Saturday, I will be wearing a dress and hope it's sunny.

OHHH and some random but not so random thought I had lately... I really want to visit Israel one day !! I'm serious. Hopefully soon!!

They left me all alone.
Everyone.......

//''There is so much I want to tell you.

There is so much I want to hear.

But, if after learning everything, our love breaks........

Then, I'd rather be as I am now.''

...

''You can't put your true feelings into words.

I can't express my important feelings.

If the two of us could exchange the feelings in our hearts.........''

Sunshineee

It has been so sunny that I've eaten double as much ice cream as normally, hahahha!

But otherwise I love it! I put my new sandals on and tomorrow wearing a skirt again♥

This week I earned some money by being a babysitter. I spent couple hours with a five-year old boy who first didn't like me. I thought he was a trouble case but later he seemed to like me a lot hahahah.

Yesterday then, I met an american family and babysitted their two kids; a girl age of five and a boy age of three. Guess who fell a sleep earlier?!
Nah, it wasn't the little one!! I was so surprised that he stayed up so late and just wanted to play and play more... I was exchausted hahahah so at the end I just left him alone to calm down and then he finally hit the pillow. They had a very nice apartment.. I'm a little jealous hahah.

Today on my way to the hair salon I went to library, I read some magazines there and got some movies to take home with me. She cut my hair a little bit, the damaged parts and now it looks better although it's a little shorter.. I guess that's my summer look!

If everything goes according to plan, tomorrow I will go and enjoy some time in a park and later at night going to movies.

Lately..

I've been spending a lot of money. I bought a new cell phone, shoes, two brand new movies and sunglasses. Well, could be worse, but that's still a bit unusual..

Been watching a lot of movies and all kind of crap from the TV that doesn't really move me that much. I just like that I can disappear to somewhere else for a while and just watch something that has nothing to do with me.
Also I've been reading a lot of books.

I haven't seen any of my friends or anyone lately. Only family. I don't even miss my friends really, because I think most of them are bunch of liars who don't really care a shit.

I feel like I got this sickness again. I call it spiritually paralyzed. So that's what I'm right now.. I feel like doing a lot of things and living my life for the fullest and long for some happy moments and company... but I really cannot do anything. I feel like if I try, it all goes wrong and that I will just fall on my face.

Maybe I'm facing the fear of losing again, because I know that I don't really wanna meet new people in case I would begin to like them so much that it would be hard and even more a pity to say goodbye at the end of summer.

Also my old friends, they might think I've left already and don't want to spend time with me because they feel I will be gone anyways. Well I think thats so wrong...
If someone would be leaving soon, I would just want to double my time with that person so that I would have wonderful memories when the person is gone.

Well, people are mostly very selfish and don't take things as seriously as I might take them. Sometimes I wish I could be that way.. I always have something to worry about, even though I shouldnt have.

Anyways, I'm not feeling so well but cannot change it so therefore I will just be and hope that my new life will start oneday.

So long,

Take care.

''What is the boundary between being friends and being lovers?
Perhaps you'll only find out once you've crossed it..''

Where is the girl I adore..

Do you still feel Him
calling in the air tonight
do you still feel Him

Seems like you've done this before
You make breaking hearts look so easy
Seems like you've done this before
You've got breaking hearts all but down
have you done this, you've done this before
You make stealing hearts look so easy
Where is the girl I adore

Do you collect the souls you've lost
in the top of your dresser drawer
Count the number of tears displaced
on lonely bedroom floors
A machine where your heart once was
slowly takes the place of you
Only hold the memories now
of the love I thought I knew

- - - - - - - -

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night.
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind.
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in & out of my life?

- - - - - - - -

What now...

I'm not sure how to handle things anymore.
Things are getting out of control, just before I thought that everything is gonna be fine. I felt good couple days ago, I was smiling and shining when I walked around the streets..

Well, now I got lazy and unhappy again. But still, when I think of it, NO PAIN NO GAIN.

So I bet I can handle this as well :] just now it takes a hell out of me, but soon....


I'll be happy again.

I just need three things: 1] new cell phone 2] new shoes 3] warm weather

So that's not a lot ! Especially... in the case that I'm going shopping tomorrow.

I believe in you.

''We meet, come to know each other, fall in love and part right after. This is how many sad stories evolve.'' -Samuel Taylor Coleridge

''In love there is only one law: to make your love happy.'' -Stendhal

''When two people cry together for the first time, they understand how much they love each other.'' -Emile Deschamps

''Love is a sacred madness.'' -Renaissance proverb

''The moment one begins to love another, is when life really starts.'' -Scuderi

Vappu and all this crap

Today is Vappu and I'm doing nothing.
Exept I just ate 3 donuts ! My mom made them so I couldn't say no.

Things just got out of hand when I first got information that my friends go away to Tallinn and then I started to think about going out and chill in Helsinki like usually, but it's so cold that the idea of walking around/sitting in the park in the cold air doesn't sound any good.

Ohh and I heard that my friends are not going to Tallinn and that they party at my friends house. I almost ask if I could go too, but then I though that lately going there just makes me either eat way too much sweets or feel like an outsider so I decided not to ask. Also, they didn't ask me to come in the first place so maybe they don't even want me there.. Which is kind of crap.

I'm very easy guest. I don't usually eat much and I can always behave and see if it's the time for me to leave. Also, I don't whine or stuff like that, I'm just happy to be a guest!!



-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*


Ohhh I almost forgot !! Yesterday I went to see a theatre show♥ it was called ''Amijima'' and it was pretty good!
I liked the kimono's they were wearing and the traditional japanese music as well as the story itself, eventhough it was a little simpleminded. Still romantic at the end!

Somebody save me...

Today I enjoyed some Ben & Jerry's ice cream when they gave it for free in the city. Delicious !

I also attended some boring babysitter meeting where they told us about kids & media. Well it was alright...

Now I'm home and got nothing to do. Well it's kinda late so I could go to sleep, but tomorrow I'm all free and got nothing to do.

So I'm thinking this is how it's gonna be... whole summer?

Well, lately I got some new PS2 games so I could play those.. for example Singstar and sing here all by myself : DD

And I have some j-dramas that I want to watch... but it's still not good. I want company!

Someone who listens me and doesn't treat me badly... Just the thing is that all those people cannot come. They either don't wanna see me or cannot come otherways.

i could go to the city and meet a friend, but the thing is that lately all my so called friends have been just annoying and boring.

Like I said before, I have pretty much bad kind of friends, those that don't really care a shit if I die tomorrow. I need friends that I can trust and friends that I know they like me, whatever I do.

Cityviews, shopping bags and travel nightmares

Seoul was ggggreat! I spent there 10 days and enjoyed a lot ♥

I found a lot of things to shop, visited a palace and Seoul tower. Almost everyday I used metro/subway and got suprised how people watched TV from their cellphones in the train. I want too!!
There were many metro lines and once we got so confused that we went to the wrong direction hahaha. But the trains were great, worked well and fast and were almost every time packed full.

When the airspace scandal started, I thought it will go away in couple days. When the day of my flight was getting closer I started to feel worried and when my flight at the end was cancelled I really started to freak out.. I thought, maybe I have to take some crazy way over Russia. Then I thought that I could go to Japan and visit my friends in Sapporo..

On Wednesday when my flight was supposed to be, I went to a department house and at six thirty about, I got a message that I supposed to be at the airport at eight to check in. I was like OMGGGG I still have a way to get home so I ran over the city in the rain and out of breath and as fast as I could I packed my things in the bag and run to the taxi. I was like omfg, If I don't catch this flight, I might stay here for weeks.. so when I heard they delayed it a little bit more and when sitting in the plane at 10, I thought how lucky I was.

My plane wasn't able to make to Helsinki though, and first they said it will land in Oulu. Well, they decided to land in Rovaniemi after all, because of safety reasons (volcanic ash heading to more north..) so the journey got a little more complicated and we all ended up hotel and had great breakfast after 4 hours of sleep and then in the morning they told us to be at the airport at 12.30. At the Rovaniemi airport we had bad news when first of all, there were so many people considered it's a small airport and no one knew what to do and where to go. Then they told us the plane is delayed and takes off at 21 or so. Well we waited... and finally the plane took off at eight and I got home before midnight.

Happy end, ehhhh?
Well, I'm not sure.

I hate to be here, and today again, I found myseld tearing my eyes off again.
Feels like nothing makes sense and that I'm here all alone.

I think I will take a break from all of this.
I might not use internet for a while.
I feel like I need to find my life again.
Just not sure what should I do.

誕生日

I'm getting old... hahah! TOMORROWWWW!

My mom made a strawberry cake ^___^ It's so pretty ! I bet it tastes good as well : )

Also, tomorrow.. This birthday-girl travels to South-Korea, Seoul. I'll stay for 10 days. AWWWWSOME!

This is very great, I've always been curious about Korea. And I think there is very good chance to do great shopping ! I want pretty clothes and something sweeeeeeet.
Can't wait to see it!!


PS. Lately I've been watching so much 花ざかりの君たちへ so therefore sometime my brain fails to think normally : DDD

Easter at Grandma's

First of all, this is our Easter grass : DD

It's better this year hahaha !

Also, there were more Chocolate eggs but I ate a lot of them... hhahahah.

Today me and my family visited at our grandma's. She was glad to see us and we all ate just way too much... I felt so horrible when sitting in the car on the way home...

There we watched old photos, it was so nice to see my grandma's wedding photo! And how my mom looked when she was young. Hahahah there was also our kid photos. Funny photos !

My grandma had done some cleaning around the house and she had stuff that she doesnt need so she ended up giving me

- A Turquoise (stone) neckless which is gorgeous ^^ and a cute red make up purse.

Also I noticed she had tons of bags so I got a big school bag -like one which is leather.

Hahhaha I love them all! Especially the bag and the Turqouise pearls ^^ Something old and cool !

PS. I love my Grandma!! ^^

She is 82 years old and just awesome. She is very healthy and I'm pretty sure she will make it for 100-year-old as long as she wants!

A little story

This was something that I wrote. Just fiction. It hit me today and I had a flashback.


''I told her a lie.

It made her feel sad and betrayed, but when time passed by every day I felt even more miserable and couldn't think what to do. So I lied to her. It was the easiest thing to do and because she was somewhere far away, I didn't have to see her face or even look at her. I postponed my sorrow and agony, at that moment I didn't feel nothing. Not even her pain and I couldn't think about her tears. I concentrated totally to the thought to keep my strenght and my power over her.

She lost her faith in me and still today, I haven't got it back. I know that I don't deserve it back, but at the same time I'm angry at myself for letting her down and even more, telling her things that were horrible lies. Just to save her and save myself (I thought..)

But she still doesn't know the truth, and some of these days, I'm not sure if I know either. I hid my feelings so well that I made myself to believe my own lies. But the truth is, I was only hiding. I was scared and couldn't handle with the truth that I really was feeling what I felt. I wanted to make things simple, to make my life easy and clear. Go straight forwardly...

But my feelings, still haven't change and as much as it kills me to see that you lost your faith in me.... I still can't tell you the truth. Even though this all theater kills me.

I love her more than she can ever know.''

Oaah..

Feeling bad again.

I'm not sure why. Just everything.

My life is so boring, even though it's my own choice, kinda.

I have this bad habit of getting nostalgic and remembering old good times and memories with people. I can't get those back and it makes me sad. I would like to create new memories but seems like people just don't. They are busy or so, and I'm just not busy at all.

I wish I could just forget everything. Stop this all and start over. But my memory doesn't let me, it's like a song repeating itseld over an over. Just, I don't want to replay, I want something new.

Any ideas how could I start a new life.. just even, little by little?

Easter's coming..

Lately nothing special.

I did some shopping (a turquoise t-shirt, blue cardigan or whatever and a long-sleeve shirt which is pretty cool ^^) hmmm, still needing some shoes and dresses maybe? : D hahaha.

And I already feel bad when I think of how many chocolate eggs I've eaten this year.. AND IT'S NOT EVEN EASTER YET GWWWAA!! but I never liked the chocolate that is made in somewhere middle Europe and tastes too sweet and yucky hahahah I liked the suprises though ! And I still do hahahahha! I got this cute watermelon eating Hello Kitty^^ and a tiny Moomin magnet hahahah!!
But the best egg is Fazer MIGNON egg! It's delicious!! ^___^
well, of course it is when it doesn't have a suprise in it.

Ohh and I first forgot that today is that stupid foolish day when people try to tell lies over my ears. Well, I have to say I didn't believe a lot of things since my friend a second ago told me something that I really shocked so much that I believed it ! She said that she got fired and I was like whaaaaat and already comfort her and then she tells me it was a trick lol. DAAAARN, this has never happendes before hahahaha! I'm always the one who can say ''got 'cha!''
But heyyyy I'm an honest person and I really hate to lie even on purpose : D so nooooo.

Today I got a little mad when I realized that Liquor store is not open on Saturday so I cannot get my sparkling wine -__- but well, that's fixable heheh.

Yayyy, tomorrow evertyhing is closed and it's gonna rain so I'm probably gonna watch a movie or two and eat more easter eggs.. eww.

Happy Easter! ^^^
I will write more about it later.

Chinese zodiac

This is maybe the only one horoscope that I mostly believe.
Chinese horoscope seems to be usually right and this time as well! What it tells about Snake and what I am, there is a huge similarity.

*_____^

Chinese Zodiac - Snake


Personality
Occupying the 6th position in the Chinese Zodiac, the Snake symbolizes such character traits as intelligence, gracefulness and materialism. When it comes to decision-making, Snakes are extremely analytical and as a result, they don’t jump into situations. They are effective at getting the things they want, even if it means they have to scheme and plot along the way.
Snakes are very materialistic creatures, preferring to surround themselves with the finest that life has to offer. This is especially evident in the home, where luxurious furnishings and surroundings help Snakes seek the peace they need in order to thrive.

Health
Snakes prefer living a life of calmness, preferring quietness over noise and a manageable workload rather than a schedule that’s overly-booked. Snakes become easily stressed when their lives aren’t peaceful or in order. Too much of this way of life can shorten a snake’s life!

Career
Snakes do work very hard, but they have a tendency to be job-hoppers as they become easily bored. Their somewhat laid-back attitude causes them to be mistakenly categorized as slackers, but nothing could be further from the truth! Snakes are very creative and extremely diligent. They’re excellent problem-solvers and thrive under tight deadlines. Good career choices for Snakes include: scientist, analyst, investigator, painter, potter, jeweler, astrologer, magician, dietician, and sociologist.

Relationships
Snakes are excellent seducers so they never have trouble attracting others. However, they’ll be the ones to decide when a relationship has potential and when it does not. Once they’ve chosen a partner, a Snake’s insecure side will begin to show through. Snakes guards their chosen partners much like a prized possessions, becoming jealous and even obsessive. Snakes prefer to keep their feelings to themselves. It’s important to never betray a Snake’s trust as a betrayed snake will make it a goal to get even some day!

Earth Snakes – Years 1929 and 1989
Earth Snakes always seem to be calm and content. They’re friendly and approachable and believe that they’ll reap great rewards by working hard and relying on common sense.

darn this Weather!

It's sad the weather still being so cold that I really don't feel like going for a walk -__-

Tomorrow I will see one of my friends but I still don't know what we are gonna do. This crappy cold weather just doesn't inspire me at all.. hahaha.
I would like to go and see AVATAR but my friend probably doesn't have money..

Shopping is also just boring when all the stores are so full of ugly clothes that you can only wear once... I don't like to buy clothes that are for ''wear once, throw away then'' !!
But I would like some shoes for the spring! And summer !

Since I'm moving to Scotland in September, I checked online some local clothing stores. Looks pretty good ! ^^ Still, even there, some of the stores are the same. Those local ones like Vero moda and Zara for example.

I booked an apartment as well!! Actually for a while ago already... I just got the papers done and paid for the deposit. It's pretty nice! I will have 4 other roommates, but I will be having my own bathroom. And it's close to the center! As well as close to the university! Actually, it's in the middle hahah. Awwwwwesome.
And I'm glad that I got things organized already pretty much ^^
Next step is to apply for SAAS to get my tuition fees paid hopefully.

Have a good weekend everyone! ~

Taste in men

Just for fun,

I made a little list hahaha..!

1. Guys with brown eyes and light brown/dark hair

2. Those with a nice clothing style, those who just want to look good, or cool.

3. Silent and mysterious type, so that you can see it from the outside. Still, with a smile. (Those who really hate themselves or are just too weak to be a man, they just make me feel miserable..)

4. Natural curly hair ! Not too wild though..

5. Those who look like their interesting personality, stand from the crowd.

~~~~Also I like a lot ASIAN GUYS!

Broken

I hate this when I don't feel like doing anything. Or actually, I want to do so many things but just not alone. It doesn't feel anything when I do those things alone. It only makes is pathetic, instead of fun.

I dream of walking in the green forest, with the invisible link between someone. Like walking in hand in hand, but not just quite.

Watching the Lord of the Rings, the whole movie trilogy and just lean on the couch. It doesn't matter who is next to me, just someone that I deeply care about.

Take a boat to Suomenlinna and enjoy walking there.


'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ay7QrQzsGk

Adored, loved

I came closer to his problem again. I think I found again more reasons to understand him and his behavior. I’m just still so out of my mind and can’t see what’s really going on. Well, a little by little. This is maybe the biggest mystery that I ever tried to solve : D

- * - * -*- * -


He doesn’t seem to realize that there is a big difference between being adored and being loved. You can easily adore a person, even though he is not himself or you don’t even know who he really is. When you love someone, well obviously you know, or at least think you know them pretty well. He might be just acting or just wanting to get attention in any way he does, and that people would adore him and like him, be interested in him. But telling you the truth, being adore is actually nothing… it’s pretty useless and can only boost one’s ego but really doesn’t get one forward.

Being loved, you can only be loved if you really are your true self. If someone loves you and doesn’t really know you, of course it’s meaningless. We all know that first we have to love ourselves so that someone can really love us. Well, in this case, he propably doesn’t love himself, he is just wanting to be adored so that he can feel valuable and important and through that, maybe one day feel loved.

But seems like the only thing that matters to him is being adored and envied, to achieve and succeed in everything he decides to do. He doesn’t care about anyone, he just wants people to like him and be adored. But deep inside, he wants needs to be loved. He needs love, as we all do.
But it’s just a little bit difficult when he really isn’t himself and just wants to concentrate on the other things, to be adored in any way… To be as close to perfect that one can be. He hides his true self because he thinks he cannot be loved if he doesn’t give people reason to adore him. But it’s just the wrong thing to do. That’s why he is unhappy and sad and miserably in pieces from the inside.

He should just be himself and not to care what other people do or think about him. But hey, he is just not strong enough for that. Inside he is so insecure and scared so he really cannot take the risk like that. It’s just easier to build his confidence, which is actually so fake, to improve himself in other ways.


- * - * - * -


Ohh wow, I wish he could just open up and try to be himself.

Sushi !

Today's word is definitely Sushi.

I went to couple Asian food stores with my asian friend and bought some more stuff to make sushi.

Also I know now where can I find a cheap japanese green tea bottles which I absolutely love !

At my friends place we made sushi today : ) we put tuna fish, cucumber, eggs and carrots(!) in and it was delicius ! Although it was a slow process when we first had some trouble with the rice (that's what u get when there are 3 people in the small kitchen and the fourth person (a guy) is just hanging around and asking questions, making some funny but quite keep-your-mouth-shut comments and just eating all stuff he can find.. A little bit DISTRACTION, ehhhhh?! And then the fifth person just swearing i nthe front of the mirror.

Nahh, it was quite nice to meet my friend's sister's boyfriend, and also that there was some real life going on in that house. I'm so used to just empty and silent house so I really enjoyed having some drama around hahahaha! And I laughed a lot and just remembered how lucky I actually am when not being in the relationship like that anymore.

So it's all good.

Just my friend's friend got a little scared when it was so noisy. I met her for the first time and wow that girl is silent and shy. I thought I was shy or what but now I think again... and wow. People are just so different. But yeah, she was cute for sure, even though being so silent ! Or maybe just because of that...

And I remembered how I used to be so silent also. I'm just glad how much I have changed from that and it makes me smile.

Although, I can still be very shy around some people. But I'm totally ok with that.

Just the bad thing was that the friend of my friends didn't like the sushi that much. She barely eat one piece... and my friend also ate just couple. But I liked them ! They were really good ! Next time when I'm making those, I gotta get some tuna as well.

Still, I have to say that personally, my favorite sushi is that with REAL HUGE FISH PIECE on the top of it -sushi, with good rice and a little tiny bit of wasabi beneath the fish.

I just love my mom when she comes from work with that cute little sushi pack with her that includes 10 little sushi pieces, including some very good salmon and red tuna fish and some while fish one that I have no idea what's the name of the fish.. and it has even a little cute fish shaped soy sauce bottle with it ! It makes me smile the whole little package ! It looks so delicious!

When I got home I found a job that I can hunt next. Just guess what kinda restaurant is that !

Yayyy, shopping tomorrow.

Ohh and btw, I want to go see AVATAR, the movie !!

This should be good.

Everything is getting better, I hope... little by little. Since I'm having ____so_____ much fun lately.

Yeahh, absolutely. It's been just very plain these days, but that's what my life nowadays is. I almost have started to fear if I'm getting so old that I would actually almost prefer to take things slowly and peacefully... and prefer nothing to happen.
No.... Who am I kidding?! : DDD It's just have to be the weather change. It's been too cold too long and still that huge mountain of snow in our backyard. That's just it. I feel like I'm still in my winter sleep, although it should be spring already !

I took the official hygiene-knowledge test (or whatever you call it in English.....) and I passed it way over ; ) hahaha, I'm so good.
Just the thing is, that it still seems to be so hard to get a job. They require that fucking pass but they still want that I have some kind of papers from culinary school or at least couple working years in some food business. Yeah right ! What the ****

Next thing would be to study about serving alcohol and about the alcohol laws. I got the study material and ohhhhh shitt-- it looks complicated. I will see if I manage to do that anytime soon -___-

Tonight I went to see ALICE IN WONDERLAND in 3D. It was excellent ^^ Just a funny thing is that I never liked it as a cartoon as a kid, back then I thought it was too crazy and silly and messy. Well actually, I still think so. Just this Burton's movie version was sooo much better and not dull or bad-like-crazy at all.
Still I have to say, those 3D glasses caused me headache and my eyes dried so much !! I almost felt like I have to take my contacts out.. but of course I couldn't.
In the movie there were so perfect looking girls with their good bodies. Alice, for example was sooo cute and perfect girly looking. Then my favorite Anne Hathaway and her lovely thin body. OMG, I wanna be like her... -__-''

I got a new Singstar game ^^ I tried it yesterday and today I sang a lot too : D it has some good songs so it's pretty good. I want to get some but couldn't find them at sale price yet. Then some night I'm gonna play those at my friends place with her, just like earlier.

Tomorrow there's gonna be some movie on in TV. Actually I can't even remember when I last watch a movie from tv.
Also tomorrow hopefully I will have time to write some letters, read a book...
I would like to go out and take a walk or maybe even jogging, just I would hate to do that walking my shoes full of snow ! So get that efffin snow off already dear weatherman !

Then I have one secret not yet to tell. I just need to wait a week or so ^^

Love.me.

It's funny how we always miss something when it's already gone.

I can still remember how my ex-boyfriend used to be so obsessedly keen in me and he always had to know everything (when he was over, he almost opened my closets to see what I have in there..) and always wanted to search everything through. When I got a text msg, he wanted to read it. He always knew where I was and what was I doing pretty much.

That made me feel like suffocated and that I had no private life. Well af course, I still did things that he never knew but obviously, he got mad or sad if I was hiding something and he knew about it.

We were just too close and intense. He held me too tight, I died in his arms pretty much.. so suffocated and drowned I felt.

Now I'm just alone. I miss him like hell. I would give anything to have those days back now, or just keep him for a little while. Making me feel important and loved.

But I don't love him like he loves me. It would be like braking the balance.

Now I just feel so alone and that everyday is just a waste of make up and... worthless.

I'm such a lover. I need someone to dream about and someone to love, always.

Well I have someone, it's just the thing that he already has someone.

So I love him, but he doesn't love me back.

Just like my friend loves me but I don't love her.

Just like I love her but she loves someone else.

Feels like it all goes wrong and that it's all worthless.

It's just a lot of love.

And love makes the world go around.

Please, love me.

Bring me back to life again.

　　　私を　愛して　ください。

　　　

Aime moi

I feel like cutting my face off

Once again, I realize how ugly I am.
Mostly I think myself pretty, but then the truth comes out every time I see some pictures of me. I'm so ugly !
Yeah, not sure if I get over this... :''DDDD but it's the truth.

Well I'm also short. If you cannot be tall, and cannot be beautiful, you can still be thin. So that's all I got left. My best kind of beauty that seems to be so fucking far away.

- - - -


I realized some cool Radiohead songs from my iTunes that I've not listened before :o some of them are pretty good.

Ohhhh and I went to library and got some movies (5). One of them I watched already, it's called 'Dirty Pretty Things' and I thought it was a pretty good thriller. And there was my favorite french lady in a big role ^^

Tonight I will go to the Circus, which is a club in Helsinki. My friend asked me there, and i've never been there.

Have a good night everyone ~

This is what I have to say for today.

Like this snow leopard, I'm pissed off for that winter.....

I'M SOOOOO SICK OF THIS WEATHER STAYING SO FUCKIN' COLD AL THE TIME!!
I'm gonna just stay inside and sleep the days off if this cold weather keeps going like that..

I don't wanna go into any shops anymore and see all that summer/spring stuff that no one could ever wear in this weather. It makes me mad.. -__-
I would rather take that shitty rain weather, rather than freez my ass of waiting a buss that maybe doesn't even come.

I want to wear something pretty for a chance and go out for a walk and hear the birds!!
No more that f***** snow !


Secondly... I'm a little bored in fact.

01. What do you hate the most?
- The feeling of being full

02. Who do you miss right now?
- My German friend, my crush and Japanese people

03. What is worth waiting for?
- Nothing. I want everything right now, life goes by if you wait all the time. But on the other hand, I always have to wait just like others do, so I would say it's worth waiting for moving to Scotland.

04. What is there that you can't wait?
- Spring, Easter, Summer. To get out of here. To lose weight haha

05. What is your favorite food?
- Feta salad, sushi.

06. Favorite sweets?
- ice cream and cookies (my biggest weaknesses..... -___-)
I noticed that as much as I used to like chocolate, nowadays it makes me wanna puke because it's so strong and fatty tasting... I've learned to like things that makes feel light and refreshed : DDD or just neutral (for example cookies are neutral).

07. My biggest fear
- Losing someone that is important to me.

08. Best tv-show?
- Japanese dramas. Also I like to watch those Next top model shows.

09. What is the first thing you notice about people?
- I pay attention how they act, are they friendly. Also eyes, hair and smile.

10. What things you like to buy the most?
- Clothes (especially jeans, dresses, shoes, tops) and coffee/ice cream when hanging out with my friends

She turned 20

My friend had a birthday today ^^
AWWWW! I love birthdays! There's always cake and a lot of people, people are mostly happy even then.

I bought her a present of course,
including; a shirt, some make up stuff and earrings. She seemed to like it and she even put the shirt on right away, and it seemed to fit well.

There were six of us and her. Some people couldn't come because there is a strike that makes some busses cancel their drives (since today after 6PM..) mainly in Espoo but of course also my bus line belongs to that company so I had to walk today from the metro station -__- it was alright though, because I run into one girl that I know so she walked with me the half of the trip. Also.. it would have been nice if it wouldn't have rain that shitty snow that wet my hair and face... hahahah!

BTW, I was a little proud of myself when I didn't eat that much candy at the party. Just a little bit and couple of cookies. I didn't even touch the chips. Just a little bad thing was to drink couple of ciders... they weren't even light ones... but how could I say NO to free drinks and when everyone else is drinking them?!

We didn't do much, just talked and played some games. I didn't talk that much with three girls I didn't know before, but it just seemed that they weren't that interested in me. That's kinda stupid though, I was nice to them and smiled and tried to talk to them. But well, they didn't seem to be in the same page with me anyways, hahahah! They all just ate a lot... ewwww. And didn't talk that much.

I also met my friend's pets. She has a dog and a sweet cat that I fell in love with ! She is soo tiny looking and black ^^ Love it! I almost took that kitty with me.. Their dog was pretty nice one too, so cute, a little chubby and didn't bark a lot ^^ She is a Spitz type of dog, brownish-grey.

After, some of us (basically me, my two friends and the birtday heroine and her friend) went to the closest bar which was a pretty nice place, with biliard table. We just laughed so much and had great time. Then I decided to leave because of the trouble with the public transportation tonight so my friend drove me to the station and I got home.

It was a great day!! I probably see some of them again on this friday. Especially I liked how I spent some time with my newest friend today. She really is a type of girl I like and not boring at all. I'm so glad already that my friend introduced us couple weeks ago!!

PS. Yesterday I bought a pair of awesome jeans ^^ I just made a promise to myself that I won't use them before loosing a couple kilos first. That will keep!! As much as I like them.....

Nightynights.

Princess.

So often I come to realize what princess I've become!
My last boyfriend treated me like a one, so nowadays I really don't accept anything less. Maybe that's why I don't date anyone.. It's just that people are such assholes and don't respect other (most of us..) and I know that some guys treat their girlfriends nicely and that's what every girl deserves, but just, when I meet guys and girls, I want that they respect me already BEFORE they actually know me.

Well, people don't have to be polite to strangers... I also have those days that I just don't wanna be nice to anyone, but when you get to meet new people or so it's a big plus if you act in a friendly way.

When I meet people (get introduced to someone or just say hi or whatever..) I want them to like me. So I try to give a positive image of myself and be friendly and polite. That's just how I am... so I really don't get people who are just ''Hello.'' and inside their heads they think: ''This is just someone I meet'' HOW THE HELL could you know?!? Maybe the person can be your future neighbor, your future husbands best man or your best friends cousin!! WHAT EVER they just think..

So probably, because I treat people nicely, I also expect them to treat me nicely. IT'S LIKE THE GOLDEN RULE; threat other people like you would like them to threat you. That's something I learn in primary school.

So those people who don't know that, they are just the crap people I don't wanna ever meet.

I'm a princess after all.

That's all.

Wiikendo

This weekend was quite nice ^^ just Sunday really sucks..

On Friday I went to DTM with my friends. I had fun even though, it was sad that one of my friends (the one I maybe most rely on at the moment..) had to leave and she couldn't come at all.. Well I had my another lady friend and she also brought her friend who I've once-seen already, so she wasn't just someone random new face. Actually, I really like that girl and I hope that she also considers me as a friend as well.
Then two of my so-called-friends came too (actually I invited them, just because they always whine that I don't wanna see them) and I realized that was a dumb thing to do after all.. Well, it was nice to see them again but it's just sad to notice that they have not change at all... so I would rather just let them be and stay away.
Still I don't like the fact that they whined after I've left that I didn't even spend time with them at the club.. WTF?! I was with my other friends at the club and we tried to stay together with them but they always just disappearred or wanted to seperate... so they are just being stupid and I don't think that I was the one who was IGNORING.

Well, I was so glad that my friend's friend was being so nice to me ^^ she even bought me a snaps : D and then two other girls just came and talked to me.. hahahha, they were sooo drunk.
I didn't drink actually. Just the one that my friend bought me. I felt like I should have, it would have been much more fun, but I had a reason not to.

I was at home at 2.30AM or so. When I took my shoes off, I realized how hard it was to stand up. Those shoes just killed my feet, but at the same time I loved them so much that I want to wear them soon again.


- - - -


Next day I slept in. When I woke up I made a salad for me and my mom. Sooon after that I went off to movies. I saw もののけ姫　- Mononoke Hime (Prinsessa Mononoke).
It was just a little frustrating how people eat popcorn and candy in front of your nose and you can smell it but just drink your cola and sit straight..

- - - -

Today I just tried to download a song but I couldn't find it anywhere so I decided to use some code to get it from Nokia music store
but then wtf, how frustrating it was when first you have to download some shit programs to even download it and then it says some error and it takes so many trys to get it on my computer and then I realize that it's just some shitty thing that the song only works in that stupid Nokia player ! -___-

yeah right... You really never get anything for free, brrrrrrrr.

I also watched a swedish vampire movie that was actually not so well-made as you can guess, but still actually good in it's all simplicity and interesting story : D

What I want

Heyy. This is just a little post.

I just end up making a little list about what I want the most right now.

- to be skinny. (this is my #1 at the moment)

- to have a long hair (this is really something that I've been missing... just the thing is that being skinny makes my hair usually quite bad... so I should really this time take care of my hair, eat some vitamins and just find out what is the most important substance my hair needs to be beautiful) Maybe I'll have to change my shampoo.

- a miniskirt that looks good on me. Hahahha recently I've been liking the ones with very stratched look, the ones that have been ripped and looks like it's falling apart a little. With hanging stuff hahahahha. Just without looking too trashy.. hmmm maybe I'll find hard time finding that : D

That's all<3

Awesome.

i JUST laughed a real laugh. This is gonna be good, I know it for somehow.

Lately I've been feeling soooo low but at the same time, last couple days I've felted that I could just easily be happy if I really want to. I just have to believe in happiness again.

I decided to try again, try harder this time. Get some positive thinking out of things around me.
I will start my diet again, so I'll get ready for the spring.
When I'm satisfied enough, I will go and shop some new dresses and clothes as a reward for myself. Because I deserve it when I will succes.

I got the new CD of HIM and I really am in love with some of the songs already. It sounds like a great record. And very rarely I even buy cds anymore.. it's just that I have all the CDs of HIM so i had to get that one as well.

Today I went to the job-hunting office or whatever it is... near here. I said that I would like to get a hygiene and alcohold server-passes so that I could work as a waitress in a restaurant or sell alcohol. They said I could get those and they would pay me for the material and exams. AWWWWESOME! I think it's uselful to get those, therefore it's a lot easier to actually get a job in reality. Also, I like to improve myself and learn new skills hahaha.

So if everything goes well, I could work during the summer and get experience and money for the future! yayyyy.

Then, soon it's gonna be one of my friends birthday. There's gonna a lot of new people, so I'm excited.

Also what brings me up is that it seems as the weather is getting warmer.. I just can't wait that all the snow is gonna be in the drains and the sun will shine and make it warm. Birds will sing their songs and grass and trees will get greeen! I love spring, I've always loved.

My birtday is in April and I will get to travel to South Korea during that time. I'm sooooo happy about that! I can't wait... and also, I have to go to Sweden to do some shopping and of course, take a cruise there.

I have even some more plans but I'm afraid to mention it yet. I want it to be sure first.

It's all gonna be good. As long as I have my hopes up.

Btw, the kid in the picture is soooo cute! I want to have a kid like that! Adorable!!


PSSSSST.
The reason for my laugh was actually a japanese drama I've been watching lately. It's just hilarious and very silly hahahah, it's called GOKUSEN.

Making choices makes me sick...

I really can't stand it when I have to decide about some important things... I'm just so familiar with the fact that I ended up making the wrong choice, so I'm a little bit scared of making big choices.

I should decided if I want to quit my job or just keep going and work like a good person.
I feel that I'm very much needed at the work so it makes me feel a little quilty to even think about quitting. Especially with the fact that it seems so hard to get a job nowadays... and with my experience and lack of useful social relationships helping me to find a job.

But the job makes me feel so tired and I get so frustrated after work. It's very hard to get up in the morning and fight throught my way to get to work everyday. I sometimes get tired of those crying kids with their needs. They want to be hold, to be noticed and heard. To be entertained and taking care of, to be fed and to be clean. OMGGGG it's just too much and I'm losing my patience with some of the cases.

Is it all worth it? I need the money and it's a good experience for me to work... but I'm just so tired and already know that it's not my thing/the right job for me because it's tiring me out and at times, driving me crazy....

But I know that my parents are gonna whine and if I quit, I just have to find something else to keep me occupied during the days.

On the other hand, I would just like to be free...
I could just travel somewhere far away........
...think about my life and just what I really want... meet some new people and see the world.
Enjoy my life.

So maybe I had made a decision.

The hard thing is ......

I'm sure my boss is just gonna kill me for doing this.

I'm asking....

What is the point in DATING someone, if you never see each other ?

When I date someone, I want to meet almost everyday!

Not everyday because it will get boring so quickly, but definitely not just once or twice a month. That's just fooling youselves...

It's a different story though if the two live in another countries or just far away because of some big reasons or temporarily... Because that's true love.

Hell is breaking...

As always, this is not gonna be something nice. I will just try to keep myself sane by writing about it.

So I invited couple of friends to celebrate Valentine's day or something like that and the person I really wanted to come, well obviously, he didn't come. I really hate that when I do some effort and try my best and then people don't appreciate anything...
Well it was nice to see two of my friends, until... the another one's new girlfriend arrives...
Well I just have to say that the girl was just amazingly annoying.... well I don't want to say that she is horrible or whatever because it just makes me look like jealous person but whatever I really wanted just leave very soon. Hehhe, I have to say that probably the main reason why she was so annoying is just that the fact that she is couple years younger than all of us so she is just still a teenager so in another words.. pain in the ass.
Writing this makes me feel like a super adult now : D Well, at least I can behave and appreciate people around me and not being so self-centered.... OMG.

So yeahhhhhh I really can't stand it when people who are dating are all the time all over each other. I mean it's okay to kiss and stuff but not all the time and in front of other people's eyes. At least I don't like doing that... and even more, I really don't want to see that.. So I had to say; ''Get a room you two'' for couple times as a joke. Well for me it wasn't a joke at all, I just didn't want to be rude.

But I'm very sick of being nice to everyone..... but I guess it's just me and that in some level I feel like that by being nice I make people like me more. I guess it's true, but so often I feel like I'm being used and just that all my goodness for other people just goes into waste.
Because I still feel that I'm so much better than many of my friends. Because actually, I can't really say they are my friends. They are just a bunch of assholes....... who only care about themselves.
So now I'm thinking to say goodbye to one or two of my friends again. I just hate the feeling that they are just playing behind my back and just acting nice. To tell the truth, they really don't care about me at all. And I need to feel that I'm appreciated because I really appreciate them. They just don't deserve it...
So I guess it's saying goodbye to a one of my oldest friend and one that I really liked once.
It's kinda sad but I really am rather by myself than with someone that I cannot trust or who doesn't care a shit about me. So　さようなら。

Hmmm?

I'm back in business.


And I'm angry at myself. Just because, it seems like I have nothing interesting in my life right now. I have no idea when I quit living my life, but it seems like everytime I try to make plans and change things - in other words; try LIVING instead - everything goes wrong.

Lately I was searching a job. I found one and it seemed like bad idea but I decided to give it a try and I wouldn't say I hate it, it's actually my all life right now so I should not complain.
I get to be with kids and take care of them. In the daycare center where I work, there are so sweet kids. Of course, all of them are not as sweet and need some special attention or just cause problems more.. but I still love them all.
My favorites are girl twins who are just so adorable. They are not even three year-olds yet but they can do so many things already by themselves. And they are so beautiful<3 One of them I usually hold in my arms because she likes to be hold and she has this demanding desperate look in her eyes when she raises her arms to jump on my shoulders. She sometimes wakes up while daydreaming and then she just cries and in the bad case; wakes everyone up. Then I just take her and carry her and do her hair.
Her twin sis is also soooo cute, but she is more independent and happier. She usually smiles at me. And lately I've been noticed that I'm pretty much the only one who can recognize them, which one is which.

Then there is this another girl who is about the same age as the twins but she needs me all the time. She is so clingy and follows me all the time. She starts to cry if she sees me leaving... or realizes that I'm gone. It's kinda sweet to be that important to someone, but I really can't stand that all the time because I have to always be next to her like there would be some invinsible link between us. Last time when she was taking a nap like little kids do during the daytime, she was checking at me all the time and wanted to hold my hand. She was cute when she fallen into sleep and suddenly didn't hold my hand so tightly anymore. I almost fallen into sleep myself too....

Yeah, those kids are pretty much all that I have in my life hahaha. And sometimes they really drive me crazy... but it seems pretty important that I'm there.

I just hate myself for having no life and just going to work and never see my friends and just hanging out by myself. I should go and party, see my friends, meet guys and travel and see the world. Even spending time with my family, but seems like they are all so busy and don't have time for me.
Just the thing is, I have no friends to travel with. And chances to meet guys are not that common. Or maybe the thing is that nobody is like him...

Also, I got this job offer for working as an au pair in a family in New York. I almost bought the flight tickets immediately but then my parents talked me over and told me not to go. So that's it, destroying my another dream just like that.
How did I gave up so easily? Well, I have no idea...

I just feel so pathetic...

HMMPH.

I'm sick of the fact that lately I've been so mysterious and kept into myself so that other people have no idea what's going on...

There are not so many things that make me smile anymore. Everything just sucks..

And because everything suck, I love to cry in the shower so that no one can hear me..

I know this is not who I am and that normally I would just kick my ver own ass and just keep my head up high...

...keep smiling
keep going
...keep shining

but this is not the time for it.

I need to fix things one by one.

What's new.

It's been a while.

It's all very frustrating right now.

I cannot understand people. Mainly guys. I've lost two friends lately, just because they are so ridiculous to tell me they like me even though i have no interest in them in that way. Did I do something wrong? WHAT_THE_F***!

My nature is to be happy and friendly mostly, so that doesn't mean anything... well that's alright, people make mistakes -- but why do I always have to be the one who pays it all?! I've lost two great friends...

And I'm sorry to be picky, but I don't wanna date someone that I don't have deeper feelings for ! Friends... why some people just think it's enough? Rather disappear totally? I think only a LOSER would do such a thing... And why the **** they can know if I happend to change my mind after a while? Am I not good enough to fight for? Just lose your hope just like that.. what loosers have I met.

Yeahyeahyeha... My New Year was great btw ^^

Just, a little drama.

And there we go.. I'm facing another problem again : DDDDDD wtf?!

Wellll there is my ex that I thought I have still feelings for... well, in last couple days I found out that I was wrong.

Then there is this girl who seems to have a crush on me. She sends me messages a lot and tells how she doesn't usually dream about anyone.

Well, I told her that I'm not ready and that we'll see....

She doesn't seem to understand.

Well, today I found out why.. One of my friends told her NOT TO GIVE UP ON ME ! wtf ! I was so mad at her and told her how she did a wrong thing and only causes me more problems with that.. Well, she doesn't seem to understand. Seems like she only wants to get rid of me so she wants me to date someone. But _no_way_ !

I'm just a little afraid that again, I will lose a friend because that... If that would happen, I would have close to no one anymore.

Well I had lots of fun with those two at new years. We sang karaoke (Singstar, lol), hang out in her place, set couple fireworks and went to the city. Only bad thing was that it was freeeeezing cold. And that I almost lost my nerves with the girl.

I gave up for candies and chocolate, and so it will be till Easter (when I will eat chocolate egssss for sure). I gave te rest of my Christmas chocolates away, hahaha.

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These cold winter days I'm just gonna isolate myseld and just be in the house with myself. I'm just sick of people right now, and I don't want to see how freak I must be when no one understands anything about me. Or even tries.

Goodbye friends, hello movies, games, books, computer and singing by myself.