empty head

The tattoo guy didn't come today either : / last week neither..

I wonder if he got the piggy-pandemia.... or was just busy/lazy/sleepy/troubled
or just couldn't make it there.

Or maybe he changed his mind about the friday studies group......
Nooooooo : <
hope not!

- - -

I also did some cheap shopping today.. my purpose was to buy some presents for Christmas, but well I only bought earrings and a hairband for myself. Just coudln't find anything...
But I got a great idea what to buy for my mom ! Just.. I need 40euros, or otherwise I have to take the 20euro one which one is not as pretty.
Hmm, DAD?! ^__^

i also got this huge and boring looking book about personality psychology... WELLL sounds interesting and stuff but it doesn't seem to be... when I open the book. It's rather scary when I know how much I have to write about it. YIIIIIIKS.

Well, I'm glad I almost finished another essay that I have to do first anyways. Just a little bit more.. gonna be ready tomorrow I hope!
Since tomorrow night I have no time for it...
I hope to meet my favorite girl tomorrow.
But you can never be sure when it's about her.....

...and me.

I'm too depressed, too go on

Oaahhhh, *sighhhhhhhh*......



Why-oh-why everything seems so impossible right now ?

I feel like I have lost my ability to do ANYTHING.
I mean, just easy little things seem impossible.
Like, getting up in the mornings.

What the hell is wrong with me ?
I feel like crying but just can't.


This morning I went to a school I applied. Already yesterday and the day before that I realized writing my essay that I actually don't even want to get in there.
Why am I applying there then? Well it's good to be in a school and I thought it would be ok for me to start with since University seems like a fucked-up-dream nowadays.

But yeahh, I know what I want and can't get it so it feels very frustrating to trying to get something that I don't even want. WELLLL, I had a bad feeling about going to this school this morning, I knew it and almost turned back.

Actually I did, after seeing this fucking exam there.
I didn't even read the book the questions were from. What the fuck ? Well, you can tell I wasn't actually so into this thing, yeahh.
So I skipped the whole interview thing and went to school.

It was even worse there. I totally felt like a ghost wrapped in a cloth that didn't let me breathe through. What_is_this ? Well I spent my extra time on the computer and then went to eat when I saw some of my classmates going too.
I got to a table and saw him on the other side of the hall. He actually looked at me.. I quickly looked away.
how embarrassing this can get.....

He is something I can never get.
But I love his laugh.... he was laughing today so much that it made me bleed inside. I'm dreaming for the moment we could laugh together. So sad that's never gonna happen.
I'm just nothing he likes. How could he ever even talk to me? I cannot do anything right.
Yhyyyyyyy..
He doesn't even know that I exist.

I feel like this night is gonna be cry-cry. I feel like crying and I can only do it in the dark, facing my pillow.


I feel so fucking fat !
and very ugly
Stupid as hell
So fucking weak
...and ridiculous.




pssst. I'm so glad I will go to the doctor next Monday. Maybe she should rewrite a description I used to have. That would be my heaven and hell.

WOAAAAH I saw a wonderful showww<3
Miyavi@Tavastia!
<3

I was there alone.. since no one wanted to/could come but it wasn't that bad, only thing was to wait outside in the line because it was sooooo cold and everyone else had a friend or two.

Yesterday I went to a hair dresser (she recolored my roots, and all the hair is now actually more brown and a bit red) and we celebrated my dad's birthday and mom made a cake<3 I ate half of it I'm positive : DD

Later my dad helped me with my essay and I'm happy to get it done very soon : ) also, my old school sent me a reference so that's done aswell ;)

School was very shitful today. I did a group work with someone who was totally stupid and didn't even know how to look good (how to shave and not have a dry skin : DD, new glasses would make a difference and shower for the smell.. hmmm, how would I do as a stylist?! Gotta think my career plans again hahah) and he didn't have any ideas for the work so basically I did all the work and we ended up running out of time.. Well, whatever.. I did my best to ask him ideas and at the end he thank me for the co-operation!
Then one good thing about school.. He talked to me for the first time ! ^^ And at the lunch I asked to sit at his table :o I was too shy to talk to him though.. but at least I sat there so maybe he at least noticed me.
Still I think maybe.. he thinks I'm a weirdow ! hahahahahah but I love his laugh ; ) and he's a cutie and has cool tattoos hahahohoho.

PS. I took a lot pictures today but I look so ugly from that close so I better not to upload them anywhere..