I feel like cutting my face off

Once again, I realize how ugly I am.
Mostly I think myself pretty, but then the truth comes out every time I see some pictures of me. I'm so ugly !
Yeah, not sure if I get over this... :''DDDD but it's the truth.

Well I'm also short. If you cannot be tall, and cannot be beautiful, you can still be thin. So that's all I got left. My best kind of beauty that seems to be so fucking far away.

- - - -


I realized some cool Radiohead songs from my iTunes that I've not listened before :o some of them are pretty good.

Ohhhh and I went to library and got some movies (5). One of them I watched already, it's called 'Dirty Pretty Things' and I thought it was a pretty good thriller. And there was my favorite french lady in a big role ^^

Tonight I will go to the Circus, which is a club in Helsinki. My friend asked me there, and i've never been there.

Have a good night everyone ~

I'm just a sad creature

I really hate my reflection. Should I crack all the mirrors in my room? Especially I can't stand the biggest one. Uglyuglyugly body and my face looks like a fat ghost. I can't stand myself.

We had a little visite today with my class.
We went to a place (a little registered association) for people with learning disabilities. You know, problems with reading & writing, dyslexia, ADHD, autism etc.
We had a lecture and first half I was just yawning and tired as hell and then the rest of it made me really sad. It reminded me of school and especially my time in elementary school. Also when I had difficulties with my slow reading in High School. I wanted to hit myself because that lesson we listened the only one I marked as cool guy in my class.. he was sitting across and I must have looked like a zombie, locked inside my bad memories and just staring in a darkness. I'm just a sad creature. But the whole fucking place that I used to go a year, came to my mind. Even thinking that place makes me breathe abnormally. Those were the weakest times in my life.

Lately it has been pretty weak too. Very gloomy, lonely and hard.
Thinking about the last year, I got dumped about this time of a year and that made me miserable. Well, it was my own fault since I didn't wanted to get married.
Then I met a new friend. He was nice and my saviour. I couldn't stand him long enough though, thinking about dumping him, I still feel bad about it and feel like a monster. But I got my eye on someone else during that time and I just felt it wasn't right, right?

Well, seems like that there's no savior for this time. He just doesn't care .. and I want no one else.

At the end, I want to put three songs that make me cry, eventhough I thought I'm not able to do that anymore.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXMF_fEdz2k
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKdUoufMvd4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_gnmBtM49U

A disaster

今日､　まるでぶたみたいにたくさん　食べました

＞'':

I'm so angry at myself.
Enough said.
To punish myself I have to clean my room

right now!

this is hard.

Seems that there is just too much to handle (for me) right now.

I wonder if I'll be able to see an honest smile on my face somewhere around Christmas..
Well, it would be more than nice.

I need to lose weight.

I need to get my skin back to normal..
(seems harder than I thought.. ssssshit!)
based on the research I have done, seems like Im missing some vitamins.. o_O

I should read read and read boring books and prepare all the tasks for school

I should restart my life again.

Don't even ask the last one... I give you a hint though, it's something to do with the last entries..

Yeah, what the fuck ! I find it amazingly difficult to do all those things at the same time ! Because for example, I cannot concentrate on my diet before my skin is alright.. Therefore, all this shit makes me feel so bad that I don't have an ability or motivation to do any of the reading and school things !

Victim of the city

A part of me wants to fall,

Another part wants to keep doing alright.

What a mess

. . .



He is filling my head. Every minute and second. I actually only live for him.
This is just ridiculous. Why am I such a loser ?

My diet is failing. Makes me feel mad but I just have to take care of my skin right now.
Next thing is to keep up with school. After that I can think about my diet again. Grrrrrr!

Back to him.
Ugh...
He really is killing me and at the same time my only reason to live.

I'm only alive as long as I can love him. Then again.. I have to think, is it really love? Well, I'm not sure but I'm dying to see him again.
He is causing me pain but he is the one that could ever make me happy. As long as I love him, it doesn't even mean that he has to love me. Just to be with me would make me happy.

I was about to ask him to hang out with me but on the another hand, I don't want him to see me as I am right now. I feel ugly.. and probably I wouldn't act myself.
Or.. maybe I'm just afraid and want that he would ask me to hang out...

Oh crap, why does it has to be like that ? When I have a chance, I won't use it and when I don't, then I would be ready to go for it ?

onetwothreefour

Haven't written for a while, I just didn't feel like it.

I have been down, very down lately. Too tired to do anything, also found that nothing is exchiting enough to actually do.. I also skipped school, so bad bad..

Load of work and it's GROWING all the time. It made me feel worse but now I decided that fuck that, I will take my holiday first ahahahaha. omg, this is really gonna be a trouble less than in a week
About GROWING.. I could also mention my ass, thighs and belly ... or as it feels. Shit, is that fucking scale lying to me ? It says that I had lost 2 kilos, yeah right what the hell.....

Yesterday and today
I went to 'Crazy Days', a big (and really crazy) sale in Stockmann.
I found some cool stuff (like I always do):

- black gardigan/sweater with buttons 10e
- black/dark jeans 20e
- dark blue zebra-striped hoodie 20e
- tiny and light purple umbrella a 6e
- dark blue normal long-sleeve shirt 6e

- a clock on my wall! It's silver and pretty, has diamonds hahah 20e
- Kiki's delivery service DVD 5e
- Twilight DVD 13e

YAHOOOO! I love stuff like that hahahaha. New clothes<3 And I was with my mom who is the best so she bought them for me<3

Tonight I have to do a little boring paper for school. Hmmm, since I got a book for it and it's gonna be graded as passed/failed...
and it's something about the law...
I'm not gonna spend too much time on it.

OAAAAH now I'm getting so hungry... we bought fish<3
FOOOOOD, NOW!

Ohh, I actually stopped eating wheat products. I eat less carbohydrates as well as sugar (eventhough that seems impossible since I'm a sugarmouse)
and today I cut coffee also :/ (which made me angry and sleepy all morning..)
Why? Simply because my skin has gotten so so so amazingly bad that I'm getting concerned..

I feel so ugly.. :''''<

25% positive

YAYYYY

I got a little cheered up today! : ) First of all, yesterday I found a pair of old mittens (?) which are perfect for this weather. Glad not to have to buy new ones ;) so I spent my money for new headphones, those kinds that are in-ear so they don't fall off. And they are BLUE<3 like my iPod!

In a fitting room, trying a pair of jeans on I felt a little frustrated when they didn't zip up but as the mirror there told me as well, I have so much fat around my waist and ass that I have to get thinner so I bought them ; DDD they were half-prize anyway and therefore if I want to use then, I have to be smaller ;) so brilliant hahaha!!

Also a weird thing is that I saw HIM! It's already two times on this week ! Call it destiny? hahha!! And this time he saw me aswell. I didn't even care about the fact that she was with a girl, I was so happy to see him ! But lol, he didn't look that happy to see me : DDD he looked suprised.

HAHAHAHA, I got a free Cosmopolitan -magazine by mail o_O well, I love magazines. Also, there are always beautiful people inside<3

Tomorrow I will visit my sister's. Probably spend a night too.. Yeaaaah one motive to go is that I can eat whatever I want there ( in this case, I can eat as less as I want ) and my mom is not telling me to eat more or bringing food under my nose.
We are gonna watch movies (Sic & Nancy and Wild Child ) <3

Probably before that I will buy some food for myself (diet Blueberry soup, diet Coke, Solero- ice cream<3)>

Yayyy, tomorrow no school so I will go to a GYM : 'D
Finally, I have a chance to go and my mom wants to so don't have to go alone.

Although, my school week has been amazingly slacking ! I didn't go on Monday, neither Wednesday nor today 8D But the thing is, I like my freedom and if I don't feel like going to school, then I just don't and I study at home (hmmm?).

I should write an essay.. but, how lazy do I feel? o__O

Nightmare continues..

I have tried

so fucking many times

Where did I lose my self control?

I should stop eating totally.


She said: ''Have you lost weight?''

AAARGGGGGGH!!

She said: ''Don't diet too much.''

Me: ''I have GAINED kilos.''

She really pisses me off.

I DIET AS MUCH AS I WANT !


I need to get out of here.. sooner the better. Here I only go insane.

A normal Monday.. bbah.

Todayyy I applied for schools (polytechnics) and fixed my essay a little and finally sent it forward. Yayy, although I really would prefer to enter a University. But it's good to apply.. I can decide about it later, hahaha. Maybe I'll finally end up where I should..

My hair is getting currrrrly and long again<3 I want to keep it long now. I need a new dye!! HOOOOY, the lady who I usually go had an accident so my hair has gotten very nasty and the color greww out :< hopefully next week I will get it done. I love going to a hairdresser<3 Ohhh and wtf, I still have some photoshoot to go to :/ No problem.. I like big cameras (as long as they let me see and delete the pictures they took) just that my skin is not the prettiest right now ! :< I don't know who put those red little freckles on my cheeks.. and they don't go away.. I have to fight arrrghh!!

Something interesting happened in the last couple days. I crashed into a girl who I only know by name. She is a friend of my brothers and I almost said hi but I just kept walking because my stupid legs just decided to go forward.. Well, I went to the dear irc-galleria and found her photos. I looked at her and saw something I see when I look at my own reflection. Next I read her diary, then I read her blog. I have noooo word for the feeling I felt and what was making me keep reading and looking. This girl, I feel like I know her already. But the sad thing I don't :< What would she think if I'd just drop a line to her? Maybe we have a lot in common.. or am I just imagining?
imagining?!

I drank soooo much diet coke today, whoops..