Sunshineee

It has been so sunny that I've eaten double as much ice cream as normally, hahahha!

But otherwise I love it! I put my new sandals on and tomorrow wearing a skirt again♥

This week I earned some money by being a babysitter. I spent couple hours with a five-year old boy who first didn't like me. I thought he was a trouble case but later he seemed to like me a lot hahahah.

Yesterday then, I met an american family and babysitted their two kids; a girl age of five and a boy age of three. Guess who fell a sleep earlier?!
Nah, it wasn't the little one!! I was so surprised that he stayed up so late and just wanted to play and play more... I was exchausted hahahah so at the end I just left him alone to calm down and then he finally hit the pillow. They had a very nice apartment.. I'm a little jealous hahah.

Today on my way to the hair salon I went to library, I read some magazines there and got some movies to take home with me. She cut my hair a little bit, the damaged parts and now it looks better although it's a little shorter.. I guess that's my summer look!

If everything goes according to plan, tomorrow I will go and enjoy some time in a park and later at night going to movies.

Making choices makes me sick...

I really can't stand it when I have to decide about some important things... I'm just so familiar with the fact that I ended up making the wrong choice, so I'm a little bit scared of making big choices.

I should decided if I want to quit my job or just keep going and work like a good person.
I feel that I'm very much needed at the work so it makes me feel a little quilty to even think about quitting. Especially with the fact that it seems so hard to get a job nowadays... and with my experience and lack of useful social relationships helping me to find a job.

But the job makes me feel so tired and I get so frustrated after work. It's very hard to get up in the morning and fight throught my way to get to work everyday. I sometimes get tired of those crying kids with their needs. They want to be hold, to be noticed and heard. To be entertained and taking care of, to be fed and to be clean. OMGGGG it's just too much and I'm losing my patience with some of the cases.

Is it all worth it? I need the money and it's a good experience for me to work... but I'm just so tired and already know that it's not my thing/the right job for me because it's tiring me out and at times, driving me crazy....

But I know that my parents are gonna whine and if I quit, I just have to find something else to keep me occupied during the days.

On the other hand, I would just like to be free...
I could just travel somewhere far away........
...think about my life and just what I really want... meet some new people and see the world.
Enjoy my life.

So maybe I had made a decision.

The hard thing is ......

I'm sure my boss is just gonna kill me for doing this.

Hmmm?

I'm back in business.


And I'm angry at myself. Just because, it seems like I have nothing interesting in my life right now. I have no idea when I quit living my life, but it seems like everytime I try to make plans and change things - in other words; try LIVING instead - everything goes wrong.

Lately I was searching a job. I found one and it seemed like bad idea but I decided to give it a try and I wouldn't say I hate it, it's actually my all life right now so I should not complain.
I get to be with kids and take care of them. In the daycare center where I work, there are so sweet kids. Of course, all of them are not as sweet and need some special attention or just cause problems more.. but I still love them all.
My favorites are girl twins who are just so adorable. They are not even three year-olds yet but they can do so many things already by themselves. And they are so beautiful<3 One of them I usually hold in my arms because she likes to be hold and she has this demanding desperate look in her eyes when she raises her arms to jump on my shoulders. She sometimes wakes up while daydreaming and then she just cries and in the bad case; wakes everyone up. Then I just take her and carry her and do her hair.
Her twin sis is also soooo cute, but she is more independent and happier. She usually smiles at me. And lately I've been noticed that I'm pretty much the only one who can recognize them, which one is which.

Then there is this another girl who is about the same age as the twins but she needs me all the time. She is so clingy and follows me all the time. She starts to cry if she sees me leaving... or realizes that I'm gone. It's kinda sweet to be that important to someone, but I really can't stand that all the time because I have to always be next to her like there would be some invinsible link between us. Last time when she was taking a nap like little kids do during the daytime, she was checking at me all the time and wanted to hold my hand. She was cute when she fallen into sleep and suddenly didn't hold my hand so tightly anymore. I almost fallen into sleep myself too....

Yeah, those kids are pretty much all that I have in my life hahaha. And sometimes they really drive me crazy... but it seems pretty important that I'm there.

I just hate myself for having no life and just going to work and never see my friends and just hanging out by myself. I should go and party, see my friends, meet guys and travel and see the world. Even spending time with my family, but seems like they are all so busy and don't have time for me.
Just the thing is, I have no friends to travel with. And chances to meet guys are not that common. Or maybe the thing is that nobody is like him...

Also, I got this job offer for working as an au pair in a family in New York. I almost bought the flight tickets immediately but then my parents talked me over and told me not to go. So that's it, destroying my another dream just like that.
How did I gave up so easily? Well, I have no idea...

I just feel so pathetic...

clumsy morning, suprising evening

No school today so I took a little job ^^
There was a little girl (5 years old) caught a little cold/cough, staying home from the playschool so I went to take care of her for a day.

First she was very tired (just woke up) then afraid to talk to me (she only nodded/shook her head) so I felt a little frustrated from the inside but made it believable to look calm. I kept talking to her and all the sudden the ice was melted and I was her best friend : DDD And OMG she was cute, big puppy brown eyes ^___^ she somehow remimded me of myself being kid (just what I have seen from the home made movies from my childhood).
The day with her passed very fast especially when we watched Moomins<3 and I learned something new ! I didn't know that there's a Muumipappa's old school friend called 'Hömelö' that exist! :oo hahaahha! And we played domino and I peeled her hot dogs because she didn't want to eat the peel at all (just like me oldtimes!!) Well.. unfortunally I didn't eat the hot dogs myself because I don't eat meat at all ; )

When I left their house, I felt tired for some reason hahaha! Kids.. they have sooooo much energy that they make me jealous! I feel old ! and still so young at the same time..
At the metro station I saw a friend of mine. He walked passed me but didn't notice me. I was about to say hi but since he didn't see me and he was with some girl so I didn't say anything hhahahah.

I got home, ate (starving!!)... a lot. My mom made porridge so I just didn't have a heart to say no! Also apple pie..
And I put a new Marilyn Manson's cd on my computer. Listened to it a bit. I think I still have to listen it more to have an opinion..
Then I stalked one of my friend a little bit (looool, can't help it.. just can't) and noticed something interesting. I'm not sure what to think because I think it's either the best thing ever or the saddest thing ever and I'm trying to handle it now as it even it would be the bad news for me, how could it be good news for me at the same time.. -_- wtf am I saying.. well, just He is about to make my life very hard or make my life the best ever. I can only wait that he will say it more out loud.

It's a little scary.

Tomorrow school.. then shopping/hanging out and more school : DD
how interesting is my life again?!