Darkside

Hey people,

I'm back to the dark side.
I've been trying to write this earlier, many times.. but somehow couldn't.

I've been pretending that everything is good.
That everything is on control.
That I'm alright.

Because that's what I want to be.
That's what I tell to everyone.

No one can see the real pain.
They cannot know how I feel.
How much I try to be
good
in everything.


It's an inner fight.

And I'm losing.


Because I cannot see myself anymore.

Am I somewhere?

Am I somewhere beneath all that greasy skin?


Whose blood?

Whose bones?

Whose.... heart

is beating?

Oaah..

Feeling bad again.

I'm not sure why. Just everything.

My life is so boring, even though it's my own choice, kinda.

I have this bad habit of getting nostalgic and remembering old good times and memories with people. I can't get those back and it makes me sad. I would like to create new memories but seems like people just don't. They are busy or so, and I'm just not busy at all.

I wish I could just forget everything. Stop this all and start over. But my memory doesn't let me, it's like a song repeating itseld over an over. Just, I don't want to replay, I want something new.

Any ideas how could I start a new life.. just even, little by little?

Broken

I hate this when I don't feel like doing anything. Or actually, I want to do so many things but just not alone. It doesn't feel anything when I do those things alone. It only makes is pathetic, instead of fun.

I dream of walking in the green forest, with the invisible link between someone. Like walking in hand in hand, but not just quite.

Watching the Lord of the Rings, the whole movie trilogy and just lean on the couch. It doesn't matter who is next to me, just someone that I deeply care about.

Take a boat to Suomenlinna and enjoy walking there.


'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ay7QrQzsGk

Love.me.

It's funny how we always miss something when it's already gone.

I can still remember how my ex-boyfriend used to be so obsessedly keen in me and he always had to know everything (when he was over, he almost opened my closets to see what I have in there..) and always wanted to search everything through. When I got a text msg, he wanted to read it. He always knew where I was and what was I doing pretty much.

That made me feel like suffocated and that I had no private life. Well af course, I still did things that he never knew but obviously, he got mad or sad if I was hiding something and he knew about it.

We were just too close and intense. He held me too tight, I died in his arms pretty much.. so suffocated and drowned I felt.

Now I'm just alone. I miss him like hell. I would give anything to have those days back now, or just keep him for a little while. Making me feel important and loved.

But I don't love him like he loves me. It would be like braking the balance.

Now I just feel so alone and that everyday is just a waste of make up and... worthless.

I'm such a lover. I need someone to dream about and someone to love, always.

Well I have someone, it's just the thing that he already has someone.

So I love him, but he doesn't love me back.

Just like my friend loves me but I don't love her.

Just like I love her but she loves someone else.

Feels like it all goes wrong and that it's all worthless.

It's just a lot of love.

And love makes the world go around.

Please, love me.

Bring me back to life again.

　　　私を　愛して　ください。

　　　

Aime moi

HMMPH.

I'm sick of the fact that lately I've been so mysterious and kept into myself so that other people have no idea what's going on...

There are not so many things that make me smile anymore. Everything just sucks..

And because everything suck, I love to cry in the shower so that no one can hear me..

I know this is not who I am and that normally I would just kick my ver own ass and just keep my head up high...

...keep smiling
keep going
...keep shining

but this is not the time for it.

I need to fix things one by one.

I don't know

I don't know what's happening.

Maybe nothing and then I just want to mess things up that something would happen.

I know, because I always seem to mess everything up.

---------------

You kept me alive,

Until I wanted to die

So I kicked you out of my life

---------------

It hurts to see

I'm not good enough

that I'm the second one

got no friends, got no lover

This is my bipolar life.
I'm glad it has a name..
Today was so much of that.

Today has been a hell of a day. Cannot bear it....
My mom woke me up at 9am and I got so angry that had difficult falling back to sleep but still didn't get up. At 10.pm I did. I hid my anger and turned it into chippy-cheerful-over...
I talked with her about my sister, brother, and me being kids. What a conversation.
She went to work and I started freaking out since I didnt have to pretend anymore.
I freaked out in a level that I thought it was better to skip tutoring from tonight.

I wanted to act like a human being when realizing my dad was coming from work so I went to buy some sweets since I felt so shit and planned to watch Romeo and Juliet at midnight as I last time did. My dad was home and I chat with him about my University choices etc. Glad to say, I remained calm for him.

Nowww
What can I say?

I feel like breaking that mirror on my table because it doesn't reflect anything I would like to see. Too bad as well that I just read about a faker's smile so I know 10000% how it looks now.
A faker's smile.. that is the one I have adopted. My own disappeared somewhere and wonder if it gets ever found.
I look like a corpse...

And I was so excited to see Mew in November.. but it's not gonna be cool 'cos I have to be there alone. My friend got a seat and I have a stand area ticket (as it is the best!) but noooo, it's not cool to be there alone and people run me over :<
It's very cool not to have friends.
Got no friends, got no lover.

PS. why the hell I always feel even worthless as human being when I write here?
I should just kick myself.. like I would be someone who has a right to whine.. but whatever, I'm a difficult bitch who is never happy so try to deal with that !