I don't know

I don't know what's happening.

Maybe nothing and then I just want to mess things up that something would happen.

I know, because I always seem to mess everything up.

---------------

You kept me alive,

Until I wanted to die

So I kicked you out of my life

---------------

It hurts to see

I'm not good enough

that I'm the second one

I gave up on him.

That's what I did.

He thinks that I'm not good enough for him.

Well, as you know... he is so wrong! I'M TOO GOOD FOR HIM.

So I'll just let him fall down

... and disappear.

Sometime I must wonder... does he even existed?

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA!

PS. I _already_ feel so much better without him

mewww!

Hyvää nimipäivää, minä !

My mom gave me a little garden in a jar, including Carnivorous plant! I was so excited about it that I put a stone in there and it almost ate my finger until it snapped and closed! OMGGG I'm a little afraid of a plant

Next week is my mom's birthday, I have to think about something nice for her..

I did my nails today and my hands look very funny when half of the nails are much longer than you can usually see on me and another ones just broke and therefore are now very short (almost no nails) and then they are purple : DDDD and on the top of it, the paint is almost gone already!

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I saw MEW tonight!

I had very nice time and felt like flying inside my head when listening the amazing sounds and saw dreamy flashes and pictures on the screen. I loved it !

sleep.

I don't wanna sleep

because I'm only dreaming of you.

no title.

Last Sunday I went to Placebo's concert ^^

It was awesome ! I cannot put it to words.

I had this smile on my face when I saw my man there singing and playing his guitar ^^

luvvvv.

He is so beautiful..

I wish I could be so beautiful.

--------------------------------------------------

Today was busy

(I got horrible headache couple times..)

First I almost couldn't get up. My dad was making noise and I got curious so I did wake up anyways.

I ate and as soon as I got read two pages of this little-print-no-pictures psych-book, I was soon in a sleep again -__-

I didn't get myself up until my mom called me to eat soup.

After that I went to Itäkeskus. I went to do some runnings and we went to a visit with our class. THE TATTOO GUY!! I saw him too : ) and it saved my day to see him.

it also ruined tings too... He has been in my mind since. I even googled his name !!

Then got home and had so horrible head ache that I almost skipped my japanese lesson.

Glad I didn't though, next week I cannot make it I realized.

I just hate it when I go there and my teacher tells us about Japan and I'm just thinking why the hell I cannot go there and see some new places with someone ?

Well, what ever. I cannot wait for Christmas. I even baked ginger bread on Monday! (Almost ate it all already..)

Also, I found my old candles from last years. They smell melon (green) & strawberry (red).

Just.. I'm glad I don't have to buy so many presents this year, since I have no friends to buy them.

I will buy for my girl

for my sweet cat ^^

and for my family members

+ (also those living abroad)

and have to buy Christmas cards btw! Just some ^^

Silence, please---

I feel

nothing.

I don't wanna think any longer.

I don't wanna see it.

I'm tired of this feeling

and getting sick of my own thoughts

dreams that I couldn't meet

whispers to myself


disappoinment to my own pathetic self.

Let me just look at the blackness, get my eye lost in the darkness

and take me in


forever ...

empty head

The tattoo guy didn't come today either : / last week neither..

I wonder if he got the piggy-pandemia.... or was just busy/lazy/sleepy/troubled
or just couldn't make it there.

Or maybe he changed his mind about the friday studies group......
Nooooooo : <
hope not!

- - -

I also did some cheap shopping today.. my purpose was to buy some presents for Christmas, but well I only bought earrings and a hairband for myself. Just coudln't find anything...
But I got a great idea what to buy for my mom ! Just.. I need 40euros, or otherwise I have to take the 20euro one which one is not as pretty.
Hmm, DAD?! ^__^

i also got this huge and boring looking book about personality psychology... WELLL sounds interesting and stuff but it doesn't seem to be... when I open the book. It's rather scary when I know how much I have to write about it. YIIIIIIKS.

Well, I'm glad I almost finished another essay that I have to do first anyways. Just a little bit more.. gonna be ready tomorrow I hope!
Since tomorrow night I have no time for it...
I hope to meet my favorite girl tomorrow.
But you can never be sure when it's about her.....

...and me.

What bothers me.

There are two things that strongly link together...

First, people.

Where are they?

Lately I have been all alone. I'm not so sure why actually...
Well, some of my friends live far away so I cannot meet them often. When I do meet them, it all ends so fast that it only makes me sad in the end.

Another is my friends here, who are so passive.
Well, I'm passive myself too at times, but I just hate to feel that I'm the pathetic one trying to drag along and have nothing else to do.
I actually walked away for long time ago with those friends who seemed to be selfish and passive, only thinking of themselves. Goodbye I don't miss you because I don't need someone like you..

I'm also easy to make new friends, but just somehow I end up being so fucking difficult and full of problems that many people walk away and don't want to bother anymore. Well, they don't know what they are losing..

just, I feel like there is no way I can even find good friends since they all seem to be scared, too busy or just not interested enough to find who I really am inside. Well that is just sad.. I cannot be a person who is open enough. But I will open up when I see people opened themselves up as well.

Then, another thing is that I feel like everything that I do is useless..

I'm buying new clothes. For who? Whose gonna see them anyway? Maybe I even buy something I have never chance to wear. Or I wear too fancy clothes at home and then they get dirty for the time I should be able to wear them... the time I finally go somewhere.

I'm learning languages. What for? I have no money for even visit the countries or ever live there... should I just speak to myself and end up feeling ridiculous and pathetic? Or just stay home and watch foreign movies which are subtitled anyways?

I'm decorating my room. Too bad there are so few visitors. Also, some people I don't even want to let in here...

I'm baking something delicious. For who? Myself? Well in case I want to get fat. Mostly I end up feeling so pathetic when nobody eats my food that I will end up eating it all by myself. Well that's pathetic. And that's why I don't bake often...

What is the point when there is never a chance to use anything...

I would like to go for a trip to somewhere but with who? I'm taking my cat I suppose.....

loving it!

Today was my lucky day ! ^^

First I was crying over an University that didn't want to let me in (they had put their standards so high this year..) and I was getting totally desperate and just thinking what the hell am I gonna do. Well, it still bites to get a rejection because it was my first choice.. but well, I'm no perfect.

Then my dad got home and I went to check about the situation with Uni applications again (you have no idea, I have been refreshing the page over and over this blank expression on my face very much lately ahahahah!!)

and seeems like I'll move to Scotland to study after all!!

I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw that I have one offer that's quaranteeing me a place in Psychology ! AWWWE!

Still, I want to keep quiet a little bit, since I still have some offers to come. Not yet sure what Uni I'm going to end up.. but I know it's gonna be in Scotland.

I can't wait next year... finally I'm gonna be out of here

and speak English 24/7.

Dizziness

This week has been so strange. Good things happened, bad things happened.
I didn't see him at once.. well, probably my own fault.
Actually, during this week I haven't been so active for several reasons..

I got some medicine and it's making me so dizzy and feeling sick that I have been afraid to go out of home for a long time. It just happens that all of a sudden, I'm staring feeling so sick that I cannot do anything. It's not that I'm eating something bad, just some side effect from the medicine. Just the thing is, it's making me feel so bad that I have to go to sleep that it goes away. I have been sleeping a lot this week, in the middle off the day... Then, when I try to sleep at night, sometimes I have so much trouble to fall into sleep.

Another nightmare happened on Friday. First of all, I already had a bad feeling in a morning but went to school to see N and also the tattoo-guy since he might be in the same group. Well, he didn't show so I was a little disappointed. We went to visit in a place and there, all a sudden... my eye got crazy again and it was having a little shock there since my eye is hurting so bad that it's crying an crying itself out and it was very embarrassing to stand there in a little room with our group (well thank god, I turned my back on them and all the sudden I was ''so into the glass things in the vitrin'' and I was there staring at the glass thingies and just crying myself out of my head. I almost left the whole room but couldn't move myself since it would have been too much attention and probably if I would have done that, I won't come back anymore.

So I was there just waiting to get out of there, waiting to this man to shut up and let us go..... well when he did, I was afraid I look like a mess and was just wiping my eye and explaining this all to N, who though I was just tired and still feeling ill. Well, I'm glad it seemed like that..... well, I told her I have to go home and rest. She told me my eye looked red...

Yeah, well after that I felt so weak that I went to buy something very bad for me..
At home, I started to feel worse and at the end my head was like exploding so I went to a long nap. Also, every day, I have been feeling very cold... so it doesn't really do good for me to go outside?

Okies... I hope to feel better someday soon. Hopefully tomorrow is gonna be a nice day since it's Father's day.
I have a cute present for my dad, of course, since he is my hero

EWWWW, this post was so boring, sorries!!