Hopes and dreams

I have been dreaming and thinking so much lately.


I made a little list so that I can some day probably make some of these true..

I hope to start my old hobby again.

Hoping to be able to see Tabea in the near future.

Planning a railway trip across the Europe for the summer 2010

Finish the two short stories I started.

A dream of losing weight at least 3 kilos.


I got this awesome idea of going abroad and just no one noticing it. Then build my life there, starting from nothing and just enjoying the adventure of not knowing what will happen next. Then thinking again, it would be good to have a friend who would come with me, just in case something happens. Only thing is that people I know are nothing but adventurous... or just too crazy. I need a person I can trust, for a trip like that.

Wishing stairs

I spent Friday with my favorite person ever. We went to a store, bought carrots and candy.
We didn't do much actually, just talking, drinking a little and watching TV. I think we both enjoyed just spending time together, it didn't matter we didn't actually talk so much this time. We just felt we didn't have to.

She asked me questions though, older things that I even forgot that I told her once. I was suprised she still remembers them, I barely remember myself.
I realize that this girl is someone I never want to disappear anywhere. She has to be somewhere quite near that I can be sure she is alright.

We watched a korean scary movie called ''Wishing stairs''.
I really liked it. It wasn't scary though, just very tragic.
And ballet dancers there, ahhhhhhh ^^

I got home very late because it takes so long way from Vantaa to here : D
I didn't feel like sleeping so I didn't.
After sleeping two hours I woke up when my mom comes to my room and tells me my brother is coming. It was 5'am so I was pretty much dead.....
After that I couldn't sleep for hours -__-

Also I was shopping in Helsinki with my mom yesterday.
I found shoes, yay!
Also she gave me money and I bought two necklesses and a little cute bag.
Loving it! : )

I wish I could go back in time.

I wish I could go back in time, the time she was mine.

Yhyy. I miss being with her so much..

I feel absolutely great aroung her.

Still I wish things could be the same...

I wish she would be the same

and me too.

the OLD TIMES!

How nostalgic can I ever get ?

I'm too depressed, too go on

Oaahhhh, *sighhhhhhhh*......



Why-oh-why everything seems so impossible right now ?

I feel like I have lost my ability to do ANYTHING.
I mean, just easy little things seem impossible.
Like, getting up in the mornings.

What the hell is wrong with me ?
I feel like crying but just can't.


This morning I went to a school I applied. Already yesterday and the day before that I realized writing my essay that I actually don't even want to get in there.
Why am I applying there then? Well it's good to be in a school and I thought it would be ok for me to start with since University seems like a fucked-up-dream nowadays.

But yeahh, I know what I want and can't get it so it feels very frustrating to trying to get something that I don't even want. WELLLL, I had a bad feeling about going to this school this morning, I knew it and almost turned back.

Actually I did, after seeing this fucking exam there.
I didn't even read the book the questions were from. What the fuck ? Well, you can tell I wasn't actually so into this thing, yeahh.
So I skipped the whole interview thing and went to school.

It was even worse there. I totally felt like a ghost wrapped in a cloth that didn't let me breathe through. What_is_this ? Well I spent my extra time on the computer and then went to eat when I saw some of my classmates going too.
I got to a table and saw him on the other side of the hall. He actually looked at me.. I quickly looked away.
how embarrassing this can get.....

He is something I can never get.
But I love his laugh.... he was laughing today so much that it made me bleed inside. I'm dreaming for the moment we could laugh together. So sad that's never gonna happen.
I'm just nothing he likes. How could he ever even talk to me? I cannot do anything right.
Yhyyyyyyy..
He doesn't even know that I exist.

I feel like this night is gonna be cry-cry. I feel like crying and I can only do it in the dark, facing my pillow.


I feel so fucking fat !
and very ugly
Stupid as hell
So fucking weak
...and ridiculous.




pssst. I'm so glad I will go to the doctor next Monday. Maybe she should rewrite a description I used to have. That would be my heaven and hell.

sweety weekend

This weekend was sweeeeeet!

On Saturday I spent an awesome day in Helsinki city; playing tourist doing a lot walking around, going into the shops and taking pictures. Before all that, I went to grab my friend from Makasiini terminal, she came straight from Tallinn : DD

We walk around and ended up killing our feet. We found some very cool shop with awesome vintage stuff ! Oaaah it was expensive though, but lovely old-fashioned stuff.
It was freezing cold! We ate in the shopping mall and bought some cheap earrings. We went home and ended up staying there, watching a movie and eating some Estonian chocolate and Japanese candy!

This morning we woke up at 7.00 because we couldn't remember that it's the day when the clock goes an hour back so we thought it's 08.00 hahahahahahhaa! That happens to me soooo often ! See how well information actually gets to me ? It gets lost somewhere.. I just never know where..

Well, we still had a lot to do. We watched both of our photos from Japan, gggreat memories! ^^ We watched Kung fu Panda (in Japanese with English subs) which was great! And went for a walk (with our cameras) and collected some maple leaves (she made me a rose out of it, I never knew how to do it).

Later we did some origami (She made a horse and we both made bunnies thahahaha). And we chilled in the city for a while, ate ice cream and went to a Cybershop. Soon she had to go back to the ship so byebyes.

A lot of fun with Tuuli, my friend from Estonia. We make a great team and have always fun and interesting things to talk about. Ohh and I'm always happy to use ENGLISH ^^
She is so nice that I hope to see her in the future again. She doesn't live that far away anyway.. Next time I'll probably visit her! But she doesn't live in Tallinn though. Well, doesn't matter as long as there is something cheap to shop.

Yahhooo for international friends! <3
And how terribly I'm missing Tabea... I got a letter from her from Germany and almost cried when I looked at the photos she sent.

Just the only bad thing she coming here was that I totally had an overdose with chocolate... way over. Well, never perfect, ehhhh ?

Smells like trouble here

A lot of things happened today ! *___*

I visited a childcare place with my school group. It was a little boring, but I got to see the tattoo guy once again ^^ yay, I actually noticed a lot of new things about him today.

One thing for example... how the hell he is so cute ? ---- OOOPS, Am I getting a new crush? WHAT? Nono, I couldn't bare. One is enough.. I think. But this one, he plays guitar and sings in a band ! Is that hot or what?

And then... WTF !! I saw him today! We actually talked because he seemed to be in no hurry and I was just curious to stop. Haven't talk face to face in months so I totally was out of my mind....

I went to library, home. I ate tons of ice cream and watched a movie called The orther Boleyn girl which has gorgeous Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansson. Well, Eric Bana is ok too : D

I got some progress with some school stuff. yay... Still I feel like I'm a lot behind.

AND, the most important at all.......

I'm starting my diet again. This time it gonna be:
a light breakfast + vitamins, one-two piece of bread and fruits/vegetables and that's all for a day. About 500kcals a day.

Just home my folks don't notice anything and that I can keep myself busy and happy enough to do this. Oh and I also would need to work on my motivation.. seems like it got lost somewhere a while ago.. Wish me luck!

My eyes are cursed!

Today was a little catastrophe.
I finally got my psychology essay sent, yayyy!

But I also had a big fight with my left eye... -__-
I'm telling you, these eyes are fucking cursed ! People say they are pretty and what-so-ever, but the truth is, I always had big fight with these eyes.
One thing, they used to tear always all the time and in wrong places.
I was a kid who always cried, I remember when at school all the sudden I just started to cry.
Then I also cried in the middle of the night and my dad came to wake me up from my nightmares.
Well, that explains my weirdness or what, hahahaha.

Nowadays it's just the opposite.
Like today, my tears would have done good. They didn't come though.

So today I had a fight again... My left contact lense started all a sudden feel very nasty and didn't keep it's place so I was like wtf, should I take it out. Well, all make up on, I thought it's no a good thing to do, it will settle. YEAH, RIGHT, I got outside and just blinked my eye all the time and then I couldn't see at all. I realised the left lense maybe came off my eye or something, I couldn't see anything with my left eye so I though the lense was out. But how the hell did it came off by itself? No way !

I went to a short trip and had to come back home because my right eye was getting tired and I felt a little weird walking around people with not seeing so well. Then at home I tried to see if the lense is somewhere or what. I was looking for it very long time and then I realized a little pain in my upper lid. I saw something in the very corner of my eye.. and I almost fainted of terror when I realized what the hell has happened and where the hell the lense had go.
I always had this amazing fear of touching my eye and I freak out very easily if someone tries to put those nasty drops in or comes anywhere close to my eyes.. well, I went to internet, ask-a-google-friend and found out that it's normal and not harmful and that the lense can go under the upper lid and that it cannot get anywhere it shouldn't have. Yayyy, then I had about thousand fights with my eye and myself and almost gave up.
Then all a sudden, a thing was flying in my eye and I realized I needed to get it out and that it was a piece of my contact lense. A PIECE, omgg fuck, it has broken!
Then I had a crazy hurry to find another piece but couldn't see it anywhere.. Shhhhit. Well, I went to do other things and went to the mirror once a while. Finally I got it out and omg my left eye hurts and is a little red.

Yeah, you want a call my eyes pretty, huh?!
I_don't_think_sooo
-____-

they are a fucking pain.

I'm just a sad creature

I really hate my reflection. Should I crack all the mirrors in my room? Especially I can't stand the biggest one. Uglyuglyugly body and my face looks like a fat ghost. I can't stand myself.

We had a little visite today with my class.
We went to a place (a little registered association) for people with learning disabilities. You know, problems with reading & writing, dyslexia, ADHD, autism etc.
We had a lecture and first half I was just yawning and tired as hell and then the rest of it made me really sad. It reminded me of school and especially my time in elementary school. Also when I had difficulties with my slow reading in High School. I wanted to hit myself because that lesson we listened the only one I marked as cool guy in my class.. he was sitting across and I must have looked like a zombie, locked inside my bad memories and just staring in a darkness. I'm just a sad creature. But the whole fucking place that I used to go a year, came to my mind. Even thinking that place makes me breathe abnormally. Those were the weakest times in my life.

Lately it has been pretty weak too. Very gloomy, lonely and hard.
Thinking about the last year, I got dumped about this time of a year and that made me miserable. Well, it was my own fault since I didn't wanted to get married.
Then I met a new friend. He was nice and my saviour. I couldn't stand him long enough though, thinking about dumping him, I still feel bad about it and feel like a monster. But I got my eye on someone else during that time and I just felt it wasn't right, right?

Well, seems like that there's no savior for this time. He just doesn't care .. and I want no one else.

At the end, I want to put three songs that make me cry, eventhough I thought I'm not able to do that anymore.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXMF_fEdz2k
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKdUoufMvd4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_gnmBtM49U

Let her smile for once, bitch

My day started really awkwardly. First of all, I was such a sleepyhead that I forgot to take my vitamins.. I was ready to go to school when I realize that somethings wrong with my right eye because I put my contact lense in and it the eye hurted so bad that I couldn't keep it open.. So I was wiping my eyes off because it teared so bad and since I couldn't keep it open, it was very hard to get the lense out. I so hate when that happens.. not very often though.

So I had a little shock because I first couldn't get it out of my eye but then I just took a deep breath and tried again and I got it off. The eye was red and still hurted so I just decided to get some more sleep that it would heal and that I don't have to cancel my plans for tonight. School is not that important, so I had to skip and just keep sleeping till noon.. haha.

I went to see my friend at her place. The train was so crouded that it made me hate trains-going-to-Vantaa even more. I got off and my friend was quickly there with her car.
We had tea and just chatted for hours. I noticed that I really had missed it. She was actually a little more talkative than usually, and she is one of the only ones that I can talk to very openly.

Then she had a call from her ex or not-ex. They really have some kind of on-off relationship and I really don't like that relationship at all. I think it makes my friend just miserable and that she has deserved so much better. The call was long and I was watching MTV, haha. Then my friend came back but I read her face very quickly and knew that the call had ruined her day. Well, we tried to catch up the converstation but then her phone rings again. Darn, it's the ex again. Then they talked even longer time (this time she was crying on the phone) and I was really getting bored.. Well, after that my friend apologied and offer me a ride for home. I was actually glad to leave, just too bad that the whole night turned like this.

I'm very disappointed. I just think my friend always gets all the shit on her back. She always seems to make the wrong decicions or just has a bad luck. I already told her that she should end this relationship but she seems to be just too desperate or something to not to do it. She always seems to think that everything is her faulth as well. I try to talk to her every time and stuff but.. Well, I cannot do a lot, she has to realize it by herself.
And I'm always ready to help this girl, she is very important for me eventhough we don't see often.

Anyways I had a nice time with her and a good day eventhough some shit happened. It's just how the life is.
Also I'm proud of myself for not eating all that candy-popcorn-chips-chocolate that was on the table in front of my eyes for a long time. I only took a couple, just to please my friend.

Tomorrow I hope that we will warm up the sauna. I have to relax hahahahaha.

New terrain

I have decided it.

This attitude has to change.

I want myself back again.


Yeahhh, I'm just gonna try harder. Be stronger, be independent.
Maybe some day I'll find the happiness.
I'm gonna take it step by step..

I started today.

This feels a lot better already

And I actually like some things about fall

like for example the leaves the sound when your shoe crushes them

and their colors of course

I also like the excuse walking fast/run everywhere because it's so windy and cold that you just want to get inside really fast

There is some 'feeling going on' only when it's autumn.

A disaster

今日､　まるでぶたみたいにたくさん　食べました

＞'':

I'm so angry at myself.
Enough said.
To punish myself I have to clean my room

right now!

this is hard.

Seems that there is just too much to handle (for me) right now.

I wonder if I'll be able to see an honest smile on my face somewhere around Christmas..
Well, it would be more than nice.

I need to lose weight.

I need to get my skin back to normal..
(seems harder than I thought.. ssssshit!)
based on the research I have done, seems like Im missing some vitamins.. o_O

I should read read and read boring books and prepare all the tasks for school

I should restart my life again.

Don't even ask the last one... I give you a hint though, it's something to do with the last entries..

Yeah, what the fuck ! I find it amazingly difficult to do all those things at the same time ! Because for example, I cannot concentrate on my diet before my skin is alright.. Therefore, all this shit makes me feel so bad that I don't have an ability or motivation to do any of the reading and school things !

Victim of the city

A part of me wants to fall,

Another part wants to keep doing alright.

What a mess

. . .



He is filling my head. Every minute and second. I actually only live for him.
This is just ridiculous. Why am I such a loser ?

My diet is failing. Makes me feel mad but I just have to take care of my skin right now.
Next thing is to keep up with school. After that I can think about my diet again. Grrrrrr!

Back to him.
Ugh...
He really is killing me and at the same time my only reason to live.

I'm only alive as long as I can love him. Then again.. I have to think, is it really love? Well, I'm not sure but I'm dying to see him again.
He is causing me pain but he is the one that could ever make me happy. As long as I love him, it doesn't even mean that he has to love me. Just to be with me would make me happy.

I was about to ask him to hang out with me but on the another hand, I don't want him to see me as I am right now. I feel ugly.. and probably I wouldn't act myself.
Or.. maybe I'm just afraid and want that he would ask me to hang out...

Oh crap, why does it has to be like that ? When I have a chance, I won't use it and when I don't, then I would be ready to go for it ?

onetwothreefour

Haven't written for a while, I just didn't feel like it.

I have been down, very down lately. Too tired to do anything, also found that nothing is exchiting enough to actually do.. I also skipped school, so bad bad..

Load of work and it's GROWING all the time. It made me feel worse but now I decided that fuck that, I will take my holiday first ahahahaha. omg, this is really gonna be a trouble less than in a week
About GROWING.. I could also mention my ass, thighs and belly ... or as it feels. Shit, is that fucking scale lying to me ? It says that I had lost 2 kilos, yeah right what the hell.....

Yesterday and today
I went to 'Crazy Days', a big (and really crazy) sale in Stockmann.
I found some cool stuff (like I always do):

- black gardigan/sweater with buttons 10e
- black/dark jeans 20e
- dark blue zebra-striped hoodie 20e
- tiny and light purple umbrella a 6e
- dark blue normal long-sleeve shirt 6e

- a clock on my wall! It's silver and pretty, has diamonds hahah 20e
- Kiki's delivery service DVD 5e
- Twilight DVD 13e

YAHOOOO! I love stuff like that hahahaha. New clothes<3 And I was with my mom who is the best so she bought them for me<3

Tonight I have to do a little boring paper for school. Hmmm, since I got a book for it and it's gonna be graded as passed/failed...
and it's something about the law...
I'm not gonna spend too much time on it.

OAAAAH now I'm getting so hungry... we bought fish<3
FOOOOOD, NOW!

Ohh, I actually stopped eating wheat products. I eat less carbohydrates as well as sugar (eventhough that seems impossible since I'm a sugarmouse)
and today I cut coffee also :/ (which made me angry and sleepy all morning..)
Why? Simply because my skin has gotten so so so amazingly bad that I'm getting concerned..

I feel so ugly.. :''''<

25% positive

YAYYYY

I got a little cheered up today! : ) First of all, yesterday I found a pair of old mittens (?) which are perfect for this weather. Glad not to have to buy new ones ;) so I spent my money for new headphones, those kinds that are in-ear so they don't fall off. And they are BLUE<3 like my iPod!

In a fitting room, trying a pair of jeans on I felt a little frustrated when they didn't zip up but as the mirror there told me as well, I have so much fat around my waist and ass that I have to get thinner so I bought them ; DDD they were half-prize anyway and therefore if I want to use then, I have to be smaller ;) so brilliant hahaha!!

Also a weird thing is that I saw HIM! It's already two times on this week ! Call it destiny? hahha!! And this time he saw me aswell. I didn't even care about the fact that she was with a girl, I was so happy to see him ! But lol, he didn't look that happy to see me : DDD he looked suprised.

HAHAHAHA, I got a free Cosmopolitan -magazine by mail o_O well, I love magazines. Also, there are always beautiful people inside<3

Tomorrow I will visit my sister's. Probably spend a night too.. Yeaaaah one motive to go is that I can eat whatever I want there ( in this case, I can eat as less as I want ) and my mom is not telling me to eat more or bringing food under my nose.
We are gonna watch movies (Sic & Nancy and Wild Child ) <3

Probably before that I will buy some food for myself (diet Blueberry soup, diet Coke, Solero- ice cream<3)>

Yayyy, tomorrow no school so I will go to a GYM : 'D
Finally, I have a chance to go and my mom wants to so don't have to go alone.

Although, my school week has been amazingly slacking ! I didn't go on Monday, neither Wednesday nor today 8D But the thing is, I like my freedom and if I don't feel like going to school, then I just don't and I study at home (hmmm?).

I should write an essay.. but, how lazy do I feel? o__O