Lately..

I've been spending a lot of money. I bought a new cell phone, shoes, two brand new movies and sunglasses. Well, could be worse, but that's still a bit unusual..

Been watching a lot of movies and all kind of crap from the TV that doesn't really move me that much. I just like that I can disappear to somewhere else for a while and just watch something that has nothing to do with me.
Also I've been reading a lot of books.

I haven't seen any of my friends or anyone lately. Only family. I don't even miss my friends really, because I think most of them are bunch of liars who don't really care a shit.

I feel like I got this sickness again. I call it spiritually paralyzed. So that's what I'm right now.. I feel like doing a lot of things and living my life for the fullest and long for some happy moments and company... but I really cannot do anything. I feel like if I try, it all goes wrong and that I will just fall on my face.

Maybe I'm facing the fear of losing again, because I know that I don't really wanna meet new people in case I would begin to like them so much that it would be hard and even more a pity to say goodbye at the end of summer.

Also my old friends, they might think I've left already and don't want to spend time with me because they feel I will be gone anyways. Well I think thats so wrong...
If someone would be leaving soon, I would just want to double my time with that person so that I would have wonderful memories when the person is gone.

Well, people are mostly very selfish and don't take things as seriously as I might take them. Sometimes I wish I could be that way.. I always have something to worry about, even though I shouldnt have.

Anyways, I'm not feeling so well but cannot change it so therefore I will just be and hope that my new life will start oneday.

So long,

Take care.

Princess.

So often I come to realize what princess I've become!
My last boyfriend treated me like a one, so nowadays I really don't accept anything less. Maybe that's why I don't date anyone.. It's just that people are such assholes and don't respect other (most of us..) and I know that some guys treat their girlfriends nicely and that's what every girl deserves, but just, when I meet guys and girls, I want that they respect me already BEFORE they actually know me.

Well, people don't have to be polite to strangers... I also have those days that I just don't wanna be nice to anyone, but when you get to meet new people or so it's a big plus if you act in a friendly way.

When I meet people (get introduced to someone or just say hi or whatever..) I want them to like me. So I try to give a positive image of myself and be friendly and polite. That's just how I am... so I really don't get people who are just ''Hello.'' and inside their heads they think: ''This is just someone I meet'' HOW THE HELL could you know?!? Maybe the person can be your future neighbor, your future husbands best man or your best friends cousin!! WHAT EVER they just think..

So probably, because I treat people nicely, I also expect them to treat me nicely. IT'S LIKE THE GOLDEN RULE; threat other people like you would like them to threat you. That's something I learn in primary school.

So those people who don't know that, they are just the crap people I don't wanna ever meet.

I'm a princess after all.

That's all.

What bothers me.

There are two things that strongly link together...

First, people.

Where are they?

Lately I have been all alone. I'm not so sure why actually...
Well, some of my friends live far away so I cannot meet them often. When I do meet them, it all ends so fast that it only makes me sad in the end.

Another is my friends here, who are so passive.
Well, I'm passive myself too at times, but I just hate to feel that I'm the pathetic one trying to drag along and have nothing else to do.
I actually walked away for long time ago with those friends who seemed to be selfish and passive, only thinking of themselves. Goodbye I don't miss you because I don't need someone like you..

I'm also easy to make new friends, but just somehow I end up being so fucking difficult and full of problems that many people walk away and don't want to bother anymore. Well, they don't know what they are losing..

just, I feel like there is no way I can even find good friends since they all seem to be scared, too busy or just not interested enough to find who I really am inside. Well that is just sad.. I cannot be a person who is open enough. But I will open up when I see people opened themselves up as well.

Then, another thing is that I feel like everything that I do is useless..

I'm buying new clothes. For who? Whose gonna see them anyway? Maybe I even buy something I have never chance to wear. Or I wear too fancy clothes at home and then they get dirty for the time I should be able to wear them... the time I finally go somewhere.

I'm learning languages. What for? I have no money for even visit the countries or ever live there... should I just speak to myself and end up feeling ridiculous and pathetic? Or just stay home and watch foreign movies which are subtitled anyways?

I'm decorating my room. Too bad there are so few visitors. Also, some people I don't even want to let in here...

I'm baking something delicious. For who? Myself? Well in case I want to get fat. Mostly I end up feeling so pathetic when nobody eats my food that I will end up eating it all by myself. Well that's pathetic. And that's why I don't bake often...

What is the point when there is never a chance to use anything...

I would like to go for a trip to somewhere but with who? I'm taking my cat I suppose.....

Dizziness

This week has been so strange. Good things happened, bad things happened.
I didn't see him at once.. well, probably my own fault.
Actually, during this week I haven't been so active for several reasons..

I got some medicine and it's making me so dizzy and feeling sick that I have been afraid to go out of home for a long time. It just happens that all of a sudden, I'm staring feeling so sick that I cannot do anything. It's not that I'm eating something bad, just some side effect from the medicine. Just the thing is, it's making me feel so bad that I have to go to sleep that it goes away. I have been sleeping a lot this week, in the middle off the day... Then, when I try to sleep at night, sometimes I have so much trouble to fall into sleep.

Another nightmare happened on Friday. First of all, I already had a bad feeling in a morning but went to school to see N and also the tattoo-guy since he might be in the same group. Well, he didn't show so I was a little disappointed. We went to visit in a place and there, all a sudden... my eye got crazy again and it was having a little shock there since my eye is hurting so bad that it's crying an crying itself out and it was very embarrassing to stand there in a little room with our group (well thank god, I turned my back on them and all the sudden I was ''so into the glass things in the vitrin'' and I was there staring at the glass thingies and just crying myself out of my head. I almost left the whole room but couldn't move myself since it would have been too much attention and probably if I would have done that, I won't come back anymore.

So I was there just waiting to get out of there, waiting to this man to shut up and let us go..... well when he did, I was afraid I look like a mess and was just wiping my eye and explaining this all to N, who though I was just tired and still feeling ill. Well, I'm glad it seemed like that..... well, I told her I have to go home and rest. She told me my eye looked red...

Yeah, well after that I felt so weak that I went to buy something very bad for me..
At home, I started to feel worse and at the end my head was like exploding so I went to a long nap. Also, every day, I have been feeling very cold... so it doesn't really do good for me to go outside?

Okies... I hope to feel better someday soon. Hopefully tomorrow is gonna be a nice day since it's Father's day.
I have a cute present for my dad, of course, since he is my hero

EWWWW, this post was so boring, sorries!!

A day for failing..

I miss eating sushi :<
And lately my eating habits have been totally messed up. I only ate junk !! An too much comfort food : // The proof is that I tried on very cool jeans today which didn't fit me (my size from last spring..) I couldn' zip them!!
Fail :( well.. the good thing is, there is only one little piece of apple pie in the fridge and I bought my favorite chocolate today which didn't taste good at all and I noticed it was actually already went bad.. no longer fresh !! i was a little mad hahahahaha, how dare they sell quality chocolate in R-kioski for 2 euros and then it's some old crap, wtf!?!

Today school was alright actually. Only thing was that I was exchausted and that I had a bad habit of taking glances on his back, secretly.. I talked to a new girl in my class who seems very nice : ) and we were watching a video about Special Education. There were funny kids on the video : DD

After school I spent some ''quality time'' in a library by myself (being a big nerd surfing in facebook etc : DD) waiting for my friends to get there later. I only got 30minutes there so I tried to go shopping but as I said I lost my appetite for finding a new pair of jeans so I only bought a cute notebook where to write ^^

I thought I would be happy to see my friends for a long time. Actually I was but only the first two minutes.. after that, I wanted to leave. I don't know what's wrong with me.. It just didn't feel good to hang out with them, we have no more things in common and I feel that I'm an outsider who doesn't even wanna be an insider. Another thing that annoys me is that they are so irresponsible. Well, I should have more friends hahaha... Fail..

Since I got home I have been trying to write the final craft of my essay to apply for Universitites.. it's done, finally, but this time it's TOO LONG!! omg.. It was hard enough to write and now I have to take something out.. just.. Im-poss-ible !! :'''z Fail @ everything..

I got my Psychology books today<3 One is slightly horrible 'cos there is not really pictures or colors and it's very tiny print.. Another one is very cool and seems a good book with interesting stuff, yay!
Still.. haven't start my essay for the Special education class.. FAIL ! Well... hopefully tomorrow I will finally get the books from the library.. and just motivated enough to start (it will be night time when I'll have time.. -__- )

Then there is this thing I still didn't figure out. I just hope this one little punk would contact me and that he is not waiting for me to contact. I never call people ! And based to history of couple times.. he doesn't always give an answer to txt messages so I try to avoid that as well.Arrrgh. He's stealing my goodnight sleep.. : //

Tomorrow I hope to go to the movies.. I want to see the newest Harry Potter hahaha!

ps.. I hate blogger when it says that there is soemthing wrong with the html codes.. I'm too lazy to correct it and it's eating my nerves to fix it hundred times :p