Hmmm?

I'm back in business.


And I'm angry at myself. Just because, it seems like I have nothing interesting in my life right now. I have no idea when I quit living my life, but it seems like everytime I try to make plans and change things - in other words; try LIVING instead - everything goes wrong.

Lately I was searching a job. I found one and it seemed like bad idea but I decided to give it a try and I wouldn't say I hate it, it's actually my all life right now so I should not complain.
I get to be with kids and take care of them. In the daycare center where I work, there are so sweet kids. Of course, all of them are not as sweet and need some special attention or just cause problems more.. but I still love them all.
My favorites are girl twins who are just so adorable. They are not even three year-olds yet but they can do so many things already by themselves. And they are so beautiful<3 One of them I usually hold in my arms because she likes to be hold and she has this demanding desperate look in her eyes when she raises her arms to jump on my shoulders. She sometimes wakes up while daydreaming and then she just cries and in the bad case; wakes everyone up. Then I just take her and carry her and do her hair.
Her twin sis is also soooo cute, but she is more independent and happier. She usually smiles at me. And lately I've been noticed that I'm pretty much the only one who can recognize them, which one is which.

Then there is this another girl who is about the same age as the twins but she needs me all the time. She is so clingy and follows me all the time. She starts to cry if she sees me leaving... or realizes that I'm gone. It's kinda sweet to be that important to someone, but I really can't stand that all the time because I have to always be next to her like there would be some invinsible link between us. Last time when she was taking a nap like little kids do during the daytime, she was checking at me all the time and wanted to hold my hand. She was cute when she fallen into sleep and suddenly didn't hold my hand so tightly anymore. I almost fallen into sleep myself too....

Yeah, those kids are pretty much all that I have in my life hahaha. And sometimes they really drive me crazy... but it seems pretty important that I'm there.

I just hate myself for having no life and just going to work and never see my friends and just hanging out by myself. I should go and party, see my friends, meet guys and travel and see the world. Even spending time with my family, but seems like they are all so busy and don't have time for me.
Just the thing is, I have no friends to travel with. And chances to meet guys are not that common. Or maybe the thing is that nobody is like him...

Also, I got this job offer for working as an au pair in a family in New York. I almost bought the flight tickets immediately but then my parents talked me over and told me not to go. So that's it, destroying my another dream just like that.
How did I gave up so easily? Well, I have no idea...

I just feel so pathetic...

What bothers me.

There are two things that strongly link together...

First, people.

Where are they?

Lately I have been all alone. I'm not so sure why actually...
Well, some of my friends live far away so I cannot meet them often. When I do meet them, it all ends so fast that it only makes me sad in the end.

Another is my friends here, who are so passive.
Well, I'm passive myself too at times, but I just hate to feel that I'm the pathetic one trying to drag along and have nothing else to do.
I actually walked away for long time ago with those friends who seemed to be selfish and passive, only thinking of themselves. Goodbye I don't miss you because I don't need someone like you..

I'm also easy to make new friends, but just somehow I end up being so fucking difficult and full of problems that many people walk away and don't want to bother anymore. Well, they don't know what they are losing..

just, I feel like there is no way I can even find good friends since they all seem to be scared, too busy or just not interested enough to find who I really am inside. Well that is just sad.. I cannot be a person who is open enough. But I will open up when I see people opened themselves up as well.

Then, another thing is that I feel like everything that I do is useless..

I'm buying new clothes. For who? Whose gonna see them anyway? Maybe I even buy something I have never chance to wear. Or I wear too fancy clothes at home and then they get dirty for the time I should be able to wear them... the time I finally go somewhere.

I'm learning languages. What for? I have no money for even visit the countries or ever live there... should I just speak to myself and end up feeling ridiculous and pathetic? Or just stay home and watch foreign movies which are subtitled anyways?

I'm decorating my room. Too bad there are so few visitors. Also, some people I don't even want to let in here...

I'm baking something delicious. For who? Myself? Well in case I want to get fat. Mostly I end up feeling so pathetic when nobody eats my food that I will end up eating it all by myself. Well that's pathetic. And that's why I don't bake often...

What is the point when there is never a chance to use anything...

I would like to go for a trip to somewhere but with who? I'm taking my cat I suppose.....