Stay sane..

[I made a new blog, but I'm keeping this one as well, to myself.

This is more deeper, I can write anything and shake my shoulders free.

This is the therapy blog, I guess. Another one is the more interesting one, a happy one. The surface.]

What I wanted to write here is that I feel so f****' confused right now.

I met a guy and I fell in love with him... then I'm gone and things get complicated. I live far away.. and I'm not sure if I can deal with this long-distance relationship... and all this heartache it costs me.

Although, I try to keep it up but keep my head cool anyways. He is far away so I have my own life... but still of course, I will talk to him. If everything goes good, maybe I can handle all this.

I'm gonna start a new life anyways. I will step out of my comfort zone and get a fresh start. I just hope I don't blow it off immediately... I'm feeling that something very crazy is gonna happen very soon... I can just beg myself so that I can keep myself in control.

It's gonna be partying... meeting new people and start a newlife in a new city.

Please, let me stay sane..

Oaah..

Feeling bad again.

I'm not sure why. Just everything.

My life is so boring, even though it's my own choice, kinda.

I have this bad habit of getting nostalgic and remembering old good times and memories with people. I can't get those back and it makes me sad. I would like to create new memories but seems like people just don't. They are busy or so, and I'm just not busy at all.

I wish I could just forget everything. Stop this all and start over. But my memory doesn't let me, it's like a song repeating itseld over an over. Just, I don't want to replay, I want something new.

Any ideas how could I start a new life.. just even, little by little?

Adored, loved

I came closer to his problem again. I think I found again more reasons to understand him and his behavior. I’m just still so out of my mind and can’t see what’s really going on. Well, a little by little. This is maybe the biggest mystery that I ever tried to solve : D

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He doesn’t seem to realize that there is a big difference between being adored and being loved. You can easily adore a person, even though he is not himself or you don’t even know who he really is. When you love someone, well obviously you know, or at least think you know them pretty well. He might be just acting or just wanting to get attention in any way he does, and that people would adore him and like him, be interested in him. But telling you the truth, being adore is actually nothing… it’s pretty useless and can only boost one’s ego but really doesn’t get one forward.

Being loved, you can only be loved if you really are your true self. If someone loves you and doesn’t really know you, of course it’s meaningless. We all know that first we have to love ourselves so that someone can really love us. Well, in this case, he propably doesn’t love himself, he is just wanting to be adored so that he can feel valuable and important and through that, maybe one day feel loved.

But seems like the only thing that matters to him is being adored and envied, to achieve and succeed in everything he decides to do. He doesn’t care about anyone, he just wants people to like him and be adored. But deep inside, he wants needs to be loved. He needs love, as we all do.
But it’s just a little bit difficult when he really isn’t himself and just wants to concentrate on the other things, to be adored in any way… To be as close to perfect that one can be. He hides his true self because he thinks he cannot be loved if he doesn’t give people reason to adore him. But it’s just the wrong thing to do. That’s why he is unhappy and sad and miserably in pieces from the inside.

He should just be himself and not to care what other people do or think about him. But hey, he is just not strong enough for that. Inside he is so insecure and scared so he really cannot take the risk like that. It’s just easier to build his confidence, which is actually so fake, to improve himself in other ways.


- * - * - * -


Ohh wow, I wish he could just open up and try to be himself.

This is what I have to say for today.

Like this snow leopard, I'm pissed off for that winter.....

I'M SOOOOO SICK OF THIS WEATHER STAYING SO FUCKIN' COLD AL THE TIME!!
I'm gonna just stay inside and sleep the days off if this cold weather keeps going like that..

I don't wanna go into any shops anymore and see all that summer/spring stuff that no one could ever wear in this weather. It makes me mad.. -__-
I would rather take that shitty rain weather, rather than freez my ass of waiting a buss that maybe doesn't even come.

I want to wear something pretty for a chance and go out for a walk and hear the birds!!
No more that f***** snow !


Secondly... I'm a little bored in fact.

01. What do you hate the most?
- The feeling of being full

02. Who do you miss right now?
- My German friend, my crush and Japanese people

03. What is worth waiting for?
- Nothing. I want everything right now, life goes by if you wait all the time. But on the other hand, I always have to wait just like others do, so I would say it's worth waiting for moving to Scotland.

04. What is there that you can't wait?
- Spring, Easter, Summer. To get out of here. To lose weight haha

05. What is your favorite food?
- Feta salad, sushi.

06. Favorite sweets?
- ice cream and cookies (my biggest weaknesses..... -___-)
I noticed that as much as I used to like chocolate, nowadays it makes me wanna puke because it's so strong and fatty tasting... I've learned to like things that makes feel light and refreshed : DDD or just neutral (for example cookies are neutral).

07. My biggest fear
- Losing someone that is important to me.

08. Best tv-show?
- Japanese dramas. Also I like to watch those Next top model shows.

09. What is the first thing you notice about people?
- I pay attention how they act, are they friendly. Also eyes, hair and smile.

10. What things you like to buy the most?
- Clothes (especially jeans, dresses, shoes, tops) and coffee/ice cream when hanging out with my friends

I'm asking....

What is the point in DATING someone, if you never see each other ?

When I date someone, I want to meet almost everyday!

Not everyday because it will get boring so quickly, but definitely not just once or twice a month. That's just fooling youselves...

It's a different story though if the two live in another countries or just far away because of some big reasons or temporarily... Because that's true love.

I don't know

I don't know what's happening.

Maybe nothing and then I just want to mess things up that something would happen.

I know, because I always seem to mess everything up.

---------------

You kept me alive,

Until I wanted to die

So I kicked you out of my life

---------------

It hurts to see

I'm not good enough

that I'm the second one

What bothers me.

There are two things that strongly link together...

First, people.

Where are they?

Lately I have been all alone. I'm not so sure why actually...
Well, some of my friends live far away so I cannot meet them often. When I do meet them, it all ends so fast that it only makes me sad in the end.

Another is my friends here, who are so passive.
Well, I'm passive myself too at times, but I just hate to feel that I'm the pathetic one trying to drag along and have nothing else to do.
I actually walked away for long time ago with those friends who seemed to be selfish and passive, only thinking of themselves. Goodbye I don't miss you because I don't need someone like you..

I'm also easy to make new friends, but just somehow I end up being so fucking difficult and full of problems that many people walk away and don't want to bother anymore. Well, they don't know what they are losing..

just, I feel like there is no way I can even find good friends since they all seem to be scared, too busy or just not interested enough to find who I really am inside. Well that is just sad.. I cannot be a person who is open enough. But I will open up when I see people opened themselves up as well.

Then, another thing is that I feel like everything that I do is useless..

I'm buying new clothes. For who? Whose gonna see them anyway? Maybe I even buy something I have never chance to wear. Or I wear too fancy clothes at home and then they get dirty for the time I should be able to wear them... the time I finally go somewhere.

I'm learning languages. What for? I have no money for even visit the countries or ever live there... should I just speak to myself and end up feeling ridiculous and pathetic? Or just stay home and watch foreign movies which are subtitled anyways?

I'm decorating my room. Too bad there are so few visitors. Also, some people I don't even want to let in here...

I'm baking something delicious. For who? Myself? Well in case I want to get fat. Mostly I end up feeling so pathetic when nobody eats my food that I will end up eating it all by myself. Well that's pathetic. And that's why I don't bake often...

What is the point when there is never a chance to use anything...

I would like to go for a trip to somewhere but with who? I'm taking my cat I suppose.....

Btw,

Today I had this awesome idea so I sent a txt to my friend. She answered no-no. Tear tear, I wanted to have a party at her house..

AND WHY, OH WHY I have to

-write a good essay about me And at the same time feel like I'm lying and that I'm just the worst applicant ever and that they should not pick me

- write and read about EMOTIONS and FEELINGS and how do they reflect our ACTIONS right now when I should NOT think about them and just forget everything ? I first thought I should not do this essay but wtf, I cannot fail it so I might as well destroy myself and it's all better

Sad sad feelins :<
This time is the worst of the whole year !

I bet it's the fucking darkness, cold and just this shitful life here in the Northern Hell.

PS. Is it true that if u dig a hole deep enough, you end up to China? ^^
(I might be desperate enough to actually try that..)

wondering

Whoa.

Not sure how i'M FEELING.

it's him. again.. Yes, my little world is moving around him and he probably doesn't even know it. A part of me still wants to believe that he might think of me here and then but let's get real, probably not.
But I know he is thinking someone.. seems like he is in love ! Just maybe.. I should not think about it. Whoever the girl is, I.....
whatever. I'm tired of this.
No way, I think I should now let it out what I think.

I have this HUGE crush in him. Had it since... hmm, from last spring? yeap.
Actually, he filled my head before I broke up with my ex. That's why I broke up with him actually.
Just one thing that makes me wonder is the way he is acting so fucking cold-hearted. I wanted to believe he is not, but it's actually very hard to really see some evidence for that.
But when I was alone with him, he was really nice and and always made me laugh and asked questions. He even teased me a lot. Still he was very spiky with his words sometimes.
He met my parents (accidentally) when we were chilling in a park and visited my house one weekend. I went to movies with him and we had good conversations... he always seemed to have fun with me....... and we were much alike it seemed.

I miss him. We only met once during summer.
For some reason, I'm running away from him. Probably because I can tell that he doesn't give a shit for me..
Still, he is in my head a lot.
At times, I feel like talking to him (sometimes he doesn't reply my txts). But I know that I should not.
I don't know what the hell he wants..
But I should keep myself out.
The only thing is that he has already destroyed me.....

I think I will go for girls from now on

clumsy morning, suprising evening

No school today so I took a little job ^^
There was a little girl (5 years old) caught a little cold/cough, staying home from the playschool so I went to take care of her for a day.

First she was very tired (just woke up) then afraid to talk to me (she only nodded/shook her head) so I felt a little frustrated from the inside but made it believable to look calm. I kept talking to her and all the sudden the ice was melted and I was her best friend : DDD And OMG she was cute, big puppy brown eyes ^___^ she somehow remimded me of myself being kid (just what I have seen from the home made movies from my childhood).
The day with her passed very fast especially when we watched Moomins<3 and I learned something new ! I didn't know that there's a Muumipappa's old school friend called 'Hömelö' that exist! :oo hahaahha! And we played domino and I peeled her hot dogs because she didn't want to eat the peel at all (just like me oldtimes!!) Well.. unfortunally I didn't eat the hot dogs myself because I don't eat meat at all ; )

When I left their house, I felt tired for some reason hahaha! Kids.. they have sooooo much energy that they make me jealous! I feel old ! and still so young at the same time..
At the metro station I saw a friend of mine. He walked passed me but didn't notice me. I was about to say hi but since he didn't see me and he was with some girl so I didn't say anything hhahahah.

I got home, ate (starving!!)... a lot. My mom made porridge so I just didn't have a heart to say no! Also apple pie..
And I put a new Marilyn Manson's cd on my computer. Listened to it a bit. I think I still have to listen it more to have an opinion..
Then I stalked one of my friend a little bit (looool, can't help it.. just can't) and noticed something interesting. I'm not sure what to think because I think it's either the best thing ever or the saddest thing ever and I'm trying to handle it now as it even it would be the bad news for me, how could it be good news for me at the same time.. -_- wtf am I saying.. well, just He is about to make my life very hard or make my life the best ever. I can only wait that he will say it more out loud.

It's a little scary.

Tomorrow school.. then shopping/hanging out and more school : DD
how interesting is my life again?!