!!

I really hate people right now.......

My so called 'friend' has been treating me like a shit everytime she is dating someone. She always cancels our meetings and drangs her dates with us.. I really can't stand it but i don't wanna lose her though because I really don't have many friends. And I always pretend that I don't care and that it doesn't hurt me when she cancels...
Although now I told her how I feel and she is just saing she is sorry but you know what*? I think I really are not gonna see her that much anymore... If she wants me around, she will show it to me. I will make her beg !

Other people then... they are just being mean to me or like teasing me with their stupid jokes that I really don't want to hear.
I might be sensitive but for someone who is sensitive himself shouldn't be saying those things to me because he should know how they hurt !

So is it any surprise that I'm all alone? guess not because everyone is just being an asshole and doesnt really care about me at all.

Those two that are the closest ones for me, make me feel like shit all the time. It really doesnt help me...

A little story

This was something that I wrote. Just fiction. It hit me today and I had a flashback.


''I told her a lie.

It made her feel sad and betrayed, but when time passed by every day I felt even more miserable and couldn't think what to do. So I lied to her. It was the easiest thing to do and because she was somewhere far away, I didn't have to see her face or even look at her. I postponed my sorrow and agony, at that moment I didn't feel nothing. Not even her pain and I couldn't think about her tears. I concentrated totally to the thought to keep my strenght and my power over her.

She lost her faith in me and still today, I haven't got it back. I know that I don't deserve it back, but at the same time I'm angry at myself for letting her down and even more, telling her things that were horrible lies. Just to save her and save myself (I thought..)

But she still doesn't know the truth, and some of these days, I'm not sure if I know either. I hid my feelings so well that I made myself to believe my own lies. But the truth is, I was only hiding. I was scared and couldn't handle with the truth that I really was feeling what I felt. I wanted to make things simple, to make my life easy and clear. Go straight forwardly...

But my feelings, still haven't change and as much as it kills me to see that you lost your faith in me.... I still can't tell you the truth. Even though this all theater kills me.

I love her more than she can ever know.''