Wiikendo

This weekend was quite nice ^^ just Sunday really sucks..

On Friday I went to DTM with my friends. I had fun even though, it was sad that one of my friends (the one I maybe most rely on at the moment..) had to leave and she couldn't come at all.. Well I had my another lady friend and she also brought her friend who I've once-seen already, so she wasn't just someone random new face. Actually, I really like that girl and I hope that she also considers me as a friend as well.
Then two of my so-called-friends came too (actually I invited them, just because they always whine that I don't wanna see them) and I realized that was a dumb thing to do after all.. Well, it was nice to see them again but it's just sad to notice that they have not change at all... so I would rather just let them be and stay away.
Still I don't like the fact that they whined after I've left that I didn't even spend time with them at the club.. WTF?! I was with my other friends at the club and we tried to stay together with them but they always just disappearred or wanted to seperate... so they are just being stupid and I don't think that I was the one who was IGNORING.

Well, I was so glad that my friend's friend was being so nice to me ^^ she even bought me a snaps : D and then two other girls just came and talked to me.. hahahha, they were sooo drunk.
I didn't drink actually. Just the one that my friend bought me. I felt like I should have, it would have been much more fun, but I had a reason not to.

I was at home at 2.30AM or so. When I took my shoes off, I realized how hard it was to stand up. Those shoes just killed my feet, but at the same time I loved them so much that I want to wear them soon again.


- - - -


Next day I slept in. When I woke up I made a salad for me and my mom. Sooon after that I went off to movies. I saw もののけ姫　- Mononoke Hime (Prinsessa Mononoke).
It was just a little frustrating how people eat popcorn and candy in front of your nose and you can smell it but just drink your cola and sit straight..

- - - -

Today I just tried to download a song but I couldn't find it anywhere so I decided to use some code to get it from Nokia music store
but then wtf, how frustrating it was when first you have to download some shit programs to even download it and then it says some error and it takes so many trys to get it on my computer and then I realize that it's just some shitty thing that the song only works in that stupid Nokia player ! -___-

yeah right... You really never get anything for free, brrrrrrrr.

I also watched a swedish vampire movie that was actually not so well-made as you can guess, but still actually good in it's all simplicity and interesting story : D

What I want

Heyy. This is just a little post.

I just end up making a little list about what I want the most right now.

- to be skinny. (this is my #1 at the moment)

- to have a long hair (this is really something that I've been missing... just the thing is that being skinny makes my hair usually quite bad... so I should really this time take care of my hair, eat some vitamins and just find out what is the most important substance my hair needs to be beautiful) Maybe I'll have to change my shampoo.

- a miniskirt that looks good on me. Hahahha recently I've been liking the ones with very stratched look, the ones that have been ripped and looks like it's falling apart a little. With hanging stuff hahahahha. Just without looking too trashy.. hmmm maybe I'll find hard time finding that : D

That's all<3

Awesome.

i JUST laughed a real laugh. This is gonna be good, I know it for somehow.

Lately I've been feeling soooo low but at the same time, last couple days I've felted that I could just easily be happy if I really want to. I just have to believe in happiness again.

I decided to try again, try harder this time. Get some positive thinking out of things around me.
I will start my diet again, so I'll get ready for the spring.
When I'm satisfied enough, I will go and shop some new dresses and clothes as a reward for myself. Because I deserve it when I will succes.

I got the new CD of HIM and I really am in love with some of the songs already. It sounds like a great record. And very rarely I even buy cds anymore.. it's just that I have all the CDs of HIM so i had to get that one as well.

Today I went to the job-hunting office or whatever it is... near here. I said that I would like to get a hygiene and alcohold server-passes so that I could work as a waitress in a restaurant or sell alcohol. They said I could get those and they would pay me for the material and exams. AWWWWESOME! I think it's uselful to get those, therefore it's a lot easier to actually get a job in reality. Also, I like to improve myself and learn new skills hahaha.

So if everything goes well, I could work during the summer and get experience and money for the future! yayyyy.

Then, soon it's gonna be one of my friends birthday. There's gonna a lot of new people, so I'm excited.

Also what brings me up is that it seems as the weather is getting warmer.. I just can't wait that all the snow is gonna be in the drains and the sun will shine and make it warm. Birds will sing their songs and grass and trees will get greeen! I love spring, I've always loved.

My birtday is in April and I will get to travel to South Korea during that time. I'm sooooo happy about that! I can't wait... and also, I have to go to Sweden to do some shopping and of course, take a cruise there.

I have even some more plans but I'm afraid to mention it yet. I want it to be sure first.

It's all gonna be good. As long as I have my hopes up.

Btw, the kid in the picture is soooo cute! I want to have a kid like that! Adorable!!


PSSSSST.
The reason for my laugh was actually a japanese drama I've been watching lately. It's just hilarious and very silly hahahah, it's called GOKUSEN.

Making choices makes me sick...

I really can't stand it when I have to decide about some important things... I'm just so familiar with the fact that I ended up making the wrong choice, so I'm a little bit scared of making big choices.

I should decided if I want to quit my job or just keep going and work like a good person.
I feel that I'm very much needed at the work so it makes me feel a little quilty to even think about quitting. Especially with the fact that it seems so hard to get a job nowadays... and with my experience and lack of useful social relationships helping me to find a job.

But the job makes me feel so tired and I get so frustrated after work. It's very hard to get up in the morning and fight throught my way to get to work everyday. I sometimes get tired of those crying kids with their needs. They want to be hold, to be noticed and heard. To be entertained and taking care of, to be fed and to be clean. OMGGGG it's just too much and I'm losing my patience with some of the cases.

Is it all worth it? I need the money and it's a good experience for me to work... but I'm just so tired and already know that it's not my thing/the right job for me because it's tiring me out and at times, driving me crazy....

But I know that my parents are gonna whine and if I quit, I just have to find something else to keep me occupied during the days.

On the other hand, I would just like to be free...
I could just travel somewhere far away........
...think about my life and just what I really want... meet some new people and see the world.
Enjoy my life.

So maybe I had made a decision.

The hard thing is ......

I'm sure my boss is just gonna kill me for doing this.

I'm asking....

What is the point in DATING someone, if you never see each other ?

When I date someone, I want to meet almost everyday!

Not everyday because it will get boring so quickly, but definitely not just once or twice a month. That's just fooling youselves...

It's a different story though if the two live in another countries or just far away because of some big reasons or temporarily... Because that's true love.

Hell is breaking...

As always, this is not gonna be something nice. I will just try to keep myself sane by writing about it.

So I invited couple of friends to celebrate Valentine's day or something like that and the person I really wanted to come, well obviously, he didn't come. I really hate that when I do some effort and try my best and then people don't appreciate anything...
Well it was nice to see two of my friends, until... the another one's new girlfriend arrives...
Well I just have to say that the girl was just amazingly annoying.... well I don't want to say that she is horrible or whatever because it just makes me look like jealous person but whatever I really wanted just leave very soon. Hehhe, I have to say that probably the main reason why she was so annoying is just that the fact that she is couple years younger than all of us so she is just still a teenager so in another words.. pain in the ass.
Writing this makes me feel like a super adult now : D Well, at least I can behave and appreciate people around me and not being so self-centered.... OMG.

So yeahhhhhh I really can't stand it when people who are dating are all the time all over each other. I mean it's okay to kiss and stuff but not all the time and in front of other people's eyes. At least I don't like doing that... and even more, I really don't want to see that.. So I had to say; ''Get a room you two'' for couple times as a joke. Well for me it wasn't a joke at all, I just didn't want to be rude.

But I'm very sick of being nice to everyone..... but I guess it's just me and that in some level I feel like that by being nice I make people like me more. I guess it's true, but so often I feel like I'm being used and just that all my goodness for other people just goes into waste.
Because I still feel that I'm so much better than many of my friends. Because actually, I can't really say they are my friends. They are just a bunch of assholes....... who only care about themselves.
So now I'm thinking to say goodbye to one or two of my friends again. I just hate the feeling that they are just playing behind my back and just acting nice. To tell the truth, they really don't care about me at all. And I need to feel that I'm appreciated because I really appreciate them. They just don't deserve it...
So I guess it's saying goodbye to a one of my oldest friend and one that I really liked once.
It's kinda sad but I really am rather by myself than with someone that I cannot trust or who doesn't care a shit about me. So　さようなら。

Hmmm?

I'm back in business.


And I'm angry at myself. Just because, it seems like I have nothing interesting in my life right now. I have no idea when I quit living my life, but it seems like everytime I try to make plans and change things - in other words; try LIVING instead - everything goes wrong.

Lately I was searching a job. I found one and it seemed like bad idea but I decided to give it a try and I wouldn't say I hate it, it's actually my all life right now so I should not complain.
I get to be with kids and take care of them. In the daycare center where I work, there are so sweet kids. Of course, all of them are not as sweet and need some special attention or just cause problems more.. but I still love them all.
My favorites are girl twins who are just so adorable. They are not even three year-olds yet but they can do so many things already by themselves. And they are so beautiful<3 One of them I usually hold in my arms because she likes to be hold and she has this demanding desperate look in her eyes when she raises her arms to jump on my shoulders. She sometimes wakes up while daydreaming and then she just cries and in the bad case; wakes everyone up. Then I just take her and carry her and do her hair.
Her twin sis is also soooo cute, but she is more independent and happier. She usually smiles at me. And lately I've been noticed that I'm pretty much the only one who can recognize them, which one is which.

Then there is this another girl who is about the same age as the twins but she needs me all the time. She is so clingy and follows me all the time. She starts to cry if she sees me leaving... or realizes that I'm gone. It's kinda sweet to be that important to someone, but I really can't stand that all the time because I have to always be next to her like there would be some invinsible link between us. Last time when she was taking a nap like little kids do during the daytime, she was checking at me all the time and wanted to hold my hand. She was cute when she fallen into sleep and suddenly didn't hold my hand so tightly anymore. I almost fallen into sleep myself too....

Yeah, those kids are pretty much all that I have in my life hahaha. And sometimes they really drive me crazy... but it seems pretty important that I'm there.

I just hate myself for having no life and just going to work and never see my friends and just hanging out by myself. I should go and party, see my friends, meet guys and travel and see the world. Even spending time with my family, but seems like they are all so busy and don't have time for me.
Just the thing is, I have no friends to travel with. And chances to meet guys are not that common. Or maybe the thing is that nobody is like him...

Also, I got this job offer for working as an au pair in a family in New York. I almost bought the flight tickets immediately but then my parents talked me over and told me not to go. So that's it, destroying my another dream just like that.
How did I gave up so easily? Well, I have no idea...

I just feel so pathetic...