I'm too depressed, too go on

Oaahhhh, *sighhhhhhhh*......



Why-oh-why everything seems so impossible right now ?

I feel like I have lost my ability to do ANYTHING.
I mean, just easy little things seem impossible.
Like, getting up in the mornings.

What the hell is wrong with me ?
I feel like crying but just can't.


This morning I went to a school I applied. Already yesterday and the day before that I realized writing my essay that I actually don't even want to get in there.
Why am I applying there then? Well it's good to be in a school and I thought it would be ok for me to start with since University seems like a fucked-up-dream nowadays.

But yeahh, I know what I want and can't get it so it feels very frustrating to trying to get something that I don't even want. WELLLL, I had a bad feeling about going to this school this morning, I knew it and almost turned back.

Actually I did, after seeing this fucking exam there.
I didn't even read the book the questions were from. What the fuck ? Well, you can tell I wasn't actually so into this thing, yeahh.
So I skipped the whole interview thing and went to school.

It was even worse there. I totally felt like a ghost wrapped in a cloth that didn't let me breathe through. What_is_this ? Well I spent my extra time on the computer and then went to eat when I saw some of my classmates going too.
I got to a table and saw him on the other side of the hall. He actually looked at me.. I quickly looked away.
how embarrassing this can get.....

He is something I can never get.
But I love his laugh.... he was laughing today so much that it made me bleed inside. I'm dreaming for the moment we could laugh together. So sad that's never gonna happen.
I'm just nothing he likes. How could he ever even talk to me? I cannot do anything right.
Yhyyyyyyy..
He doesn't even know that I exist.

I feel like this night is gonna be cry-cry. I feel like crying and I can only do it in the dark, facing my pillow.


I feel so fucking fat !
and very ugly
Stupid as hell
So fucking weak
...and ridiculous.




pssst. I'm so glad I will go to the doctor next Monday. Maybe she should rewrite a description I used to have. That would be my heaven and hell.

Smells like trouble here

A lot of things happened today ! *___*

I visited a childcare place with my school group. It was a little boring, but I got to see the tattoo guy once again ^^ yay, I actually noticed a lot of new things about him today.

One thing for example... how the hell he is so cute ? ---- OOOPS, Am I getting a new crush? WHAT? Nono, I couldn't bare. One is enough.. I think. But this one, he plays guitar and sings in a band ! Is that hot or what?

And then... WTF !! I saw him today! We actually talked because he seemed to be in no hurry and I was just curious to stop. Haven't talk face to face in months so I totally was out of my mind....

I went to library, home. I ate tons of ice cream and watched a movie called The orther Boleyn girl which has gorgeous Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansson. Well, Eric Bana is ok too : D

I got some progress with some school stuff. yay... Still I feel like I'm a lot behind.

AND, the most important at all.......

I'm starting my diet again. This time it gonna be:
a light breakfast + vitamins, one-two piece of bread and fruits/vegetables and that's all for a day. About 500kcals a day.

Just home my folks don't notice anything and that I can keep myself busy and happy enough to do this. Oh and I also would need to work on my motivation.. seems like it got lost somewhere a while ago.. Wish me luck!

My eyes are cursed!

Today was a little catastrophe.
I finally got my psychology essay sent, yayyy!

But I also had a big fight with my left eye... -__-
I'm telling you, these eyes are fucking cursed ! People say they are pretty and what-so-ever, but the truth is, I always had big fight with these eyes.
One thing, they used to tear always all the time and in wrong places.
I was a kid who always cried, I remember when at school all the sudden I just started to cry.
Then I also cried in the middle of the night and my dad came to wake me up from my nightmares.
Well, that explains my weirdness or what, hahahaha.

Nowadays it's just the opposite.
Like today, my tears would have done good. They didn't come though.

So today I had a fight again... My left contact lense started all a sudden feel very nasty and didn't keep it's place so I was like wtf, should I take it out. Well, all make up on, I thought it's no a good thing to do, it will settle. YEAH, RIGHT, I got outside and just blinked my eye all the time and then I couldn't see at all. I realised the left lense maybe came off my eye or something, I couldn't see anything with my left eye so I though the lense was out. But how the hell did it came off by itself? No way !

I went to a short trip and had to come back home because my right eye was getting tired and I felt a little weird walking around people with not seeing so well. Then at home I tried to see if the lense is somewhere or what. I was looking for it very long time and then I realized a little pain in my upper lid. I saw something in the very corner of my eye.. and I almost fainted of terror when I realized what the hell has happened and where the hell the lense had go.
I always had this amazing fear of touching my eye and I freak out very easily if someone tries to put those nasty drops in or comes anywhere close to my eyes.. well, I went to internet, ask-a-google-friend and found out that it's normal and not harmful and that the lense can go under the upper lid and that it cannot get anywhere it shouldn't have. Yayyy, then I had about thousand fights with my eye and myself and almost gave up.
Then all a sudden, a thing was flying in my eye and I realized I needed to get it out and that it was a piece of my contact lense. A PIECE, omgg fuck, it has broken!
Then I had a crazy hurry to find another piece but couldn't see it anywhere.. Shhhhit. Well, I went to do other things and went to the mirror once a while. Finally I got it out and omg my left eye hurts and is a little red.

Yeah, you want a call my eyes pretty, huh?!
I_don't_think_sooo
-____-

they are a fucking pain.

this is hard.

Seems that there is just too much to handle (for me) right now.

I wonder if I'll be able to see an honest smile on my face somewhere around Christmas..
Well, it would be more than nice.

I need to lose weight.

I need to get my skin back to normal..
(seems harder than I thought.. ssssshit!)
based on the research I have done, seems like Im missing some vitamins.. o_O

I should read read and read boring books and prepare all the tasks for school

I should restart my life again.

Don't even ask the last one... I give you a hint though, it's something to do with the last entries..

Yeah, what the fuck ! I find it amazingly difficult to do all those things at the same time ! Because for example, I cannot concentrate on my diet before my skin is alright.. Therefore, all this shit makes me feel so bad that I don't have an ability or motivation to do any of the reading and school things !