Making choices makes me sick...

I really can't stand it when I have to decide about some important things... I'm just so familiar with the fact that I ended up making the wrong choice, so I'm a little bit scared of making big choices.

I should decided if I want to quit my job or just keep going and work like a good person.
I feel that I'm very much needed at the work so it makes me feel a little quilty to even think about quitting. Especially with the fact that it seems so hard to get a job nowadays... and with my experience and lack of useful social relationships helping me to find a job.

But the job makes me feel so tired and I get so frustrated after work. It's very hard to get up in the morning and fight throught my way to get to work everyday. I sometimes get tired of those crying kids with their needs. They want to be hold, to be noticed and heard. To be entertained and taking care of, to be fed and to be clean. OMGGGG it's just too much and I'm losing my patience with some of the cases.

Is it all worth it? I need the money and it's a good experience for me to work... but I'm just so tired and already know that it's not my thing/the right job for me because it's tiring me out and at times, driving me crazy....

But I know that my parents are gonna whine and if I quit, I just have to find something else to keep me occupied during the days.

On the other hand, I would just like to be free...
I could just travel somewhere far away........
...think about my life and just what I really want... meet some new people and see the world.
Enjoy my life.

So maybe I had made a decision.

The hard thing is ......

I'm sure my boss is just gonna kill me for doing this.

I'm asking....

What is the point in DATING someone, if you never see each other ?

When I date someone, I want to meet almost everyday!

Not everyday because it will get boring so quickly, but definitely not just once or twice a month. That's just fooling youselves...

It's a different story though if the two live in another countries or just far away because of some big reasons or temporarily... Because that's true love.

Hell is breaking...

As always, this is not gonna be something nice. I will just try to keep myself sane by writing about it.

So I invited couple of friends to celebrate Valentine's day or something like that and the person I really wanted to come, well obviously, he didn't come. I really hate that when I do some effort and try my best and then people don't appreciate anything...
Well it was nice to see two of my friends, until... the another one's new girlfriend arrives...
Well I just have to say that the girl was just amazingly annoying.... well I don't want to say that she is horrible or whatever because it just makes me look like jealous person but whatever I really wanted just leave very soon. Hehhe, I have to say that probably the main reason why she was so annoying is just that the fact that she is couple years younger than all of us so she is just still a teenager so in another words.. pain in the ass.
Writing this makes me feel like a super adult now : D Well, at least I can behave and appreciate people around me and not being so self-centered.... OMG.

So yeahhhhhh I really can't stand it when people who are dating are all the time all over each other. I mean it's okay to kiss and stuff but not all the time and in front of other people's eyes. At least I don't like doing that... and even more, I really don't want to see that.. So I had to say; ''Get a room you two'' for couple times as a joke. Well for me it wasn't a joke at all, I just didn't want to be rude.

But I'm very sick of being nice to everyone..... but I guess it's just me and that in some level I feel like that by being nice I make people like me more. I guess it's true, but so often I feel like I'm being used and just that all my goodness for other people just goes into waste.
Because I still feel that I'm so much better than many of my friends. Because actually, I can't really say they are my friends. They are just a bunch of assholes....... who only care about themselves.
So now I'm thinking to say goodbye to one or two of my friends again. I just hate the feeling that they are just playing behind my back and just acting nice. To tell the truth, they really don't care about me at all. And I need to feel that I'm appreciated because I really appreciate them. They just don't deserve it...
So I guess it's saying goodbye to a one of my oldest friend and one that I really liked once.
It's kinda sad but I really am rather by myself than with someone that I cannot trust or who doesn't care a shit about me. So　さようなら。

Hmmm?

I'm back in business.


And I'm angry at myself. Just because, it seems like I have nothing interesting in my life right now. I have no idea when I quit living my life, but it seems like everytime I try to make plans and change things - in other words; try LIVING instead - everything goes wrong.

Lately I was searching a job. I found one and it seemed like bad idea but I decided to give it a try and I wouldn't say I hate it, it's actually my all life right now so I should not complain.
I get to be with kids and take care of them. In the daycare center where I work, there are so sweet kids. Of course, all of them are not as sweet and need some special attention or just cause problems more.. but I still love them all.
My favorites are girl twins who are just so adorable. They are not even three year-olds yet but they can do so many things already by themselves. And they are so beautiful<3 One of them I usually hold in my arms because she likes to be hold and she has this demanding desperate look in her eyes when she raises her arms to jump on my shoulders. She sometimes wakes up while daydreaming and then she just cries and in the bad case; wakes everyone up. Then I just take her and carry her and do her hair.
Her twin sis is also soooo cute, but she is more independent and happier. She usually smiles at me. And lately I've been noticed that I'm pretty much the only one who can recognize them, which one is which.

Then there is this another girl who is about the same age as the twins but she needs me all the time. She is so clingy and follows me all the time. She starts to cry if she sees me leaving... or realizes that I'm gone. It's kinda sweet to be that important to someone, but I really can't stand that all the time because I have to always be next to her like there would be some invinsible link between us. Last time when she was taking a nap like little kids do during the daytime, she was checking at me all the time and wanted to hold my hand. She was cute when she fallen into sleep and suddenly didn't hold my hand so tightly anymore. I almost fallen into sleep myself too....

Yeah, those kids are pretty much all that I have in my life hahaha. And sometimes they really drive me crazy... but it seems pretty important that I'm there.

I just hate myself for having no life and just going to work and never see my friends and just hanging out by myself. I should go and party, see my friends, meet guys and travel and see the world. Even spending time with my family, but seems like they are all so busy and don't have time for me.
Just the thing is, I have no friends to travel with. And chances to meet guys are not that common. Or maybe the thing is that nobody is like him...

Also, I got this job offer for working as an au pair in a family in New York. I almost bought the flight tickets immediately but then my parents talked me over and told me not to go. So that's it, destroying my another dream just like that.
How did I gave up so easily? Well, I have no idea...

I just feel so pathetic...

HMMPH.

I'm sick of the fact that lately I've been so mysterious and kept into myself so that other people have no idea what's going on...

There are not so many things that make me smile anymore. Everything just sucks..

And because everything suck, I love to cry in the shower so that no one can hear me..

I know this is not who I am and that normally I would just kick my ver own ass and just keep my head up high...

...keep smiling
keep going
...keep shining

but this is not the time for it.

I need to fix things one by one.

What's new.

It's been a while.

It's all very frustrating right now.

I cannot understand people. Mainly guys. I've lost two friends lately, just because they are so ridiculous to tell me they like me even though i have no interest in them in that way. Did I do something wrong? WHAT_THE_F***!

My nature is to be happy and friendly mostly, so that doesn't mean anything... well that's alright, people make mistakes -- but why do I always have to be the one who pays it all?! I've lost two great friends...

And I'm sorry to be picky, but I don't wanna date someone that I don't have deeper feelings for ! Friends... why some people just think it's enough? Rather disappear totally? I think only a LOSER would do such a thing... And why the **** they can know if I happend to change my mind after a while? Am I not good enough to fight for? Just lose your hope just like that.. what loosers have I met.

Yeahyeahyeha... My New Year was great btw ^^

Just, a little drama.

And there we go.. I'm facing another problem again : DDDDDD wtf?!

Wellll there is my ex that I thought I have still feelings for... well, in last couple days I found out that I was wrong.

Then there is this girl who seems to have a crush on me. She sends me messages a lot and tells how she doesn't usually dream about anyone.

Well, I told her that I'm not ready and that we'll see....

She doesn't seem to understand.

Well, today I found out why.. One of my friends told her NOT TO GIVE UP ON ME ! wtf ! I was so mad at her and told her how she did a wrong thing and only causes me more problems with that.. Well, she doesn't seem to understand. Seems like she only wants to get rid of me so she wants me to date someone. But _no_way_ !

I'm just a little afraid that again, I will lose a friend because that... If that would happen, I would have close to no one anymore.

Well I had lots of fun with those two at new years. We sang karaoke (Singstar, lol), hang out in her place, set couple fireworks and went to the city. Only bad thing was that it was freeeeezing cold. And that I almost lost my nerves with the girl.

I gave up for candies and chocolate, and so it will be till Easter (when I will eat chocolate egssss for sure). I gave te rest of my Christmas chocolates away, hahaha.

------

These cold winter days I'm just gonna isolate myseld and just be in the house with myself. I'm just sick of people right now, and I don't want to see how freak I must be when no one understands anything about me. Or even tries.

Goodbye friends, hello movies, games, books, computer and singing by myself.

longing.

This week's key word is LONGING.

Longing to be with you..

Since couple days, I have been reading a good book. I will finish it today, since it's quite good.

A second ago, I found a page that had very much to say about the feeling I have right now...:

''I have learned what it means when you miss someone. I have learned to know the feeling of emptiness and the longing, and I can sense both of them around me strongly around me.

I have discovered how long and silent the nights actually are.

He was in my life only a short period of time. Our friendship was only a little breath in a history of humankind. Both of us are still gonna meet so many people in ours lives that our meeting is gonna be only one out of hundreds of all meetings. What we once talked about is not gonna be anything to remember after ten years. We will hardly remember each other after couple of years have passed.

Still, right now, I miss him so much that I never knew that would be even possible. I miss him when I'm awake and in my dreams I meet him again. In a morning when I wake up, I wish I wouldn't have to open my eyes. Why do I have to give him up?

I thought I wouldn't miss him. I thought that I could easily forget his warm brown eyes. I thought I could stop thinking about his voice and words and his thoughts.

I just realized that I was so wrong.''