Hopes and dreams

I have been dreaming and thinking so much lately.


I made a little list so that I can some day probably make some of these true..

I hope to start my old hobby again.

Hoping to be able to see Tabea in the near future.

Planning a railway trip across the Europe for the summer 2010

Finish the two short stories I started.

A dream of losing weight at least 3 kilos.


I got this awesome idea of going abroad and just no one noticing it. Then build my life there, starting from nothing and just enjoying the adventure of not knowing what will happen next. Then thinking again, it would be good to have a friend who would come with me, just in case something happens. Only thing is that people I know are nothing but adventurous... or just too crazy. I need a person I can trust, for a trip like that.

Wishing stairs

I spent Friday with my favorite person ever. We went to a store, bought carrots and candy.
We didn't do much actually, just talking, drinking a little and watching TV. I think we both enjoyed just spending time together, it didn't matter we didn't actually talk so much this time. We just felt we didn't have to.

She asked me questions though, older things that I even forgot that I told her once. I was suprised she still remembers them, I barely remember myself.
I realize that this girl is someone I never want to disappear anywhere. She has to be somewhere quite near that I can be sure she is alright.

We watched a korean scary movie called ''Wishing stairs''.
I really liked it. It wasn't scary though, just very tragic.
And ballet dancers there, ahhhhhhh ^^

I got home very late because it takes so long way from Vantaa to here : D
I didn't feel like sleeping so I didn't.
After sleeping two hours I woke up when my mom comes to my room and tells me my brother is coming. It was 5'am so I was pretty much dead.....
After that I couldn't sleep for hours -__-

Also I was shopping in Helsinki with my mom yesterday.
I found shoes, yay!
Also she gave me money and I bought two necklesses and a little cute bag.
Loving it! : )

I wish I could go back in time.

I wish I could go back in time, the time she was mine.

Yhyy. I miss being with her so much..

I feel absolutely great aroung her.

Still I wish things could be the same...

I wish she would be the same

and me too.

the OLD TIMES!

How nostalgic can I ever get ?

I'm too depressed, too go on

Oaahhhh, *sighhhhhhhh*......



Why-oh-why everything seems so impossible right now ?

I feel like I have lost my ability to do ANYTHING.
I mean, just easy little things seem impossible.
Like, getting up in the mornings.

What the hell is wrong with me ?
I feel like crying but just can't.


This morning I went to a school I applied. Already yesterday and the day before that I realized writing my essay that I actually don't even want to get in there.
Why am I applying there then? Well it's good to be in a school and I thought it would be ok for me to start with since University seems like a fucked-up-dream nowadays.

But yeahh, I know what I want and can't get it so it feels very frustrating to trying to get something that I don't even want. WELLLL, I had a bad feeling about going to this school this morning, I knew it and almost turned back.

Actually I did, after seeing this fucking exam there.
I didn't even read the book the questions were from. What the fuck ? Well, you can tell I wasn't actually so into this thing, yeahh.
So I skipped the whole interview thing and went to school.

It was even worse there. I totally felt like a ghost wrapped in a cloth that didn't let me breathe through. What_is_this ? Well I spent my extra time on the computer and then went to eat when I saw some of my classmates going too.
I got to a table and saw him on the other side of the hall. He actually looked at me.. I quickly looked away.
how embarrassing this can get.....

He is something I can never get.
But I love his laugh.... he was laughing today so much that it made me bleed inside. I'm dreaming for the moment we could laugh together. So sad that's never gonna happen.
I'm just nothing he likes. How could he ever even talk to me? I cannot do anything right.
Yhyyyyyyy..
He doesn't even know that I exist.

I feel like this night is gonna be cry-cry. I feel like crying and I can only do it in the dark, facing my pillow.


I feel so fucking fat !
and very ugly
Stupid as hell
So fucking weak
...and ridiculous.




pssst. I'm so glad I will go to the doctor next Monday. Maybe she should rewrite a description I used to have. That would be my heaven and hell.

sweety weekend

This weekend was sweeeeeet!

On Saturday I spent an awesome day in Helsinki city; playing tourist doing a lot walking around, going into the shops and taking pictures. Before all that, I went to grab my friend from Makasiini terminal, she came straight from Tallinn : DD

We walk around and ended up killing our feet. We found some very cool shop with awesome vintage stuff ! Oaaah it was expensive though, but lovely old-fashioned stuff.
It was freezing cold! We ate in the shopping mall and bought some cheap earrings. We went home and ended up staying there, watching a movie and eating some Estonian chocolate and Japanese candy!

This morning we woke up at 7.00 because we couldn't remember that it's the day when the clock goes an hour back so we thought it's 08.00 hahahahahahhaa! That happens to me soooo often ! See how well information actually gets to me ? It gets lost somewhere.. I just never know where..

Well, we still had a lot to do. We watched both of our photos from Japan, gggreat memories! ^^ We watched Kung fu Panda (in Japanese with English subs) which was great! And went for a walk (with our cameras) and collected some maple leaves (she made me a rose out of it, I never knew how to do it).

Later we did some origami (She made a horse and we both made bunnies thahahaha). And we chilled in the city for a while, ate ice cream and went to a Cybershop. Soon she had to go back to the ship so byebyes.

A lot of fun with Tuuli, my friend from Estonia. We make a great team and have always fun and interesting things to talk about. Ohh and I'm always happy to use ENGLISH ^^
She is so nice that I hope to see her in the future again. She doesn't live that far away anyway.. Next time I'll probably visit her! But she doesn't live in Tallinn though. Well, doesn't matter as long as there is something cheap to shop.

Yahhooo for international friends! <3
And how terribly I'm missing Tabea... I got a letter from her from Germany and almost cried when I looked at the photos she sent.

Just the only bad thing she coming here was that I totally had an overdose with chocolate... way over. Well, never perfect, ehhhh ?

Smells like trouble here

A lot of things happened today ! *___*

I visited a childcare place with my school group. It was a little boring, but I got to see the tattoo guy once again ^^ yay, I actually noticed a lot of new things about him today.

One thing for example... how the hell he is so cute ? ---- OOOPS, Am I getting a new crush? WHAT? Nono, I couldn't bare. One is enough.. I think. But this one, he plays guitar and sings in a band ! Is that hot or what?

And then... WTF !! I saw him today! We actually talked because he seemed to be in no hurry and I was just curious to stop. Haven't talk face to face in months so I totally was out of my mind....

I went to library, home. I ate tons of ice cream and watched a movie called The orther Boleyn girl which has gorgeous Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansson. Well, Eric Bana is ok too : D

I got some progress with some school stuff. yay... Still I feel like I'm a lot behind.

AND, the most important at all.......

I'm starting my diet again. This time it gonna be:
a light breakfast + vitamins, one-two piece of bread and fruits/vegetables and that's all for a day. About 500kcals a day.

Just home my folks don't notice anything and that I can keep myself busy and happy enough to do this. Oh and I also would need to work on my motivation.. seems like it got lost somewhere a while ago.. Wish me luck!

My eyes are cursed!

Today was a little catastrophe.
I finally got my psychology essay sent, yayyy!

But I also had a big fight with my left eye... -__-
I'm telling you, these eyes are fucking cursed ! People say they are pretty and what-so-ever, but the truth is, I always had big fight with these eyes.
One thing, they used to tear always all the time and in wrong places.
I was a kid who always cried, I remember when at school all the sudden I just started to cry.
Then I also cried in the middle of the night and my dad came to wake me up from my nightmares.
Well, that explains my weirdness or what, hahahaha.

Nowadays it's just the opposite.
Like today, my tears would have done good. They didn't come though.

So today I had a fight again... My left contact lense started all a sudden feel very nasty and didn't keep it's place so I was like wtf, should I take it out. Well, all make up on, I thought it's no a good thing to do, it will settle. YEAH, RIGHT, I got outside and just blinked my eye all the time and then I couldn't see at all. I realised the left lense maybe came off my eye or something, I couldn't see anything with my left eye so I though the lense was out. But how the hell did it came off by itself? No way !

I went to a short trip and had to come back home because my right eye was getting tired and I felt a little weird walking around people with not seeing so well. Then at home I tried to see if the lense is somewhere or what. I was looking for it very long time and then I realized a little pain in my upper lid. I saw something in the very corner of my eye.. and I almost fainted of terror when I realized what the hell has happened and where the hell the lense had go.
I always had this amazing fear of touching my eye and I freak out very easily if someone tries to put those nasty drops in or comes anywhere close to my eyes.. well, I went to internet, ask-a-google-friend and found out that it's normal and not harmful and that the lense can go under the upper lid and that it cannot get anywhere it shouldn't have. Yayyy, then I had about thousand fights with my eye and myself and almost gave up.
Then all a sudden, a thing was flying in my eye and I realized I needed to get it out and that it was a piece of my contact lense. A PIECE, omgg fuck, it has broken!
Then I had a crazy hurry to find another piece but couldn't see it anywhere.. Shhhhit. Well, I went to do other things and went to the mirror once a while. Finally I got it out and omg my left eye hurts and is a little red.

Yeah, you want a call my eyes pretty, huh?!
I_don't_think_sooo
-____-

they are a fucking pain.